BREATHE

  I would love to impart something wonderful, but I got nuthin right now.  I had a nice night at rehearsal.  Mostly, because one of my friends lets me sort of hang on to her.  Either I touch her arm or hold her hand.  She somehow knows that I feel safer when I do that.  No other reason.  Then she looks at me and gently says, “Breathe.”  That’s it.  I was so shaken yesterday by what my doctor said that I almost got into a car accident.    So I told my friend and she saw how scared I was, and instead of giving advice, she lets me hold onto her.  Sometimes, we don’t need advice or any kind of reason why something "bad" happens, we just want to be loved. 

SELFISH

    This might sound rough, but my intention is to be incredibly selfish at this time… I have had wonderful support the past two weeks since my recent diagnosis, and it just about takes my breath away.  However, I refuse to pay attention to folks that offer way too much advice or are just plain being a pain. 

    A young woman I have known briefly keeps calling and offering whatever I need.  She wanted to come over for Christmas.  She seems to have some idea that I am all alone. She was worried that I wasn't eating and wanted to bring me ham.. I try not to eat red meat. This is so sweet but I don’t need anything right now, so I told her.  She offered to bring me hats… I was confused for a second, and she said because I would lose my hair.  I explained to her that with radiation, you don’t lose your hair.  I take walks whenever I can and a friend wanted to discuss how I walk in one area of the park where she sees no bike path.    As I began to explain it all, she couldn’t imagine what I was saying, and kept asking me questions…I just didn’t have the energy to debate this, so I told her and we said goodbye.  Another friend tells me bad jokes… this is great… for a minute..then it gets old.  As someone who does the same thing, you’d think I’d be more tolerant, but I'm not…Another friend began telling me the horrors of what might happen in the future and I held the phone away from my ear and asked her to stop.  I don’t need to go into crazy fear at this time.  A cancer diagnosis is scary enough.  There are people I simply don’t want to know what’s going on with me.  Some folks get so depressed about stuff and I just don’t need it… So if I don’t talk to you or want you to come over, it’s not because I have a bad attitude, it’s because I am taking care of myself…

   A friend, who had been through the same thing, shared some wonderful stuff.  She said that everyone at her church saw her healed and whole… and that was it. 

PLEASE SEE MY HEALED AND WHOLE…..

CHRISTMAS

   I have definitely been feeling sorry for myself the last several days.  And I have definitely been allowed to by friends.  One of my old "teachers"used to say, "At the bottom of every emotion is joy."  I have to agree.  I cried bunches recently.  Every time someone would say, "Merry Christmas.", I would cry.  Someone said to me that they hope I get everything I wanted.  I started crying.  What I hope or want is to go back in time 35 years or so.  What I want is that the diagnosis is a mistake.  Who wants cancer for Christmas? 
   So, after I whined and moaned yesterday, mostly to myself... I took myself out to walk.  It was beautiful out...Then some folks called.  My nephew called to tell me about his birthday the day before.  He just turned 16.  He said his birthday was wonderful.  His friends came over and they did a roast.  I guess it was harmless.  Then pizza.  He loved it.  It was/is such a big celebration since a year ago, he had to have brain surgery and we didn't know what the outcome would be.  He told me that he felt everything would be fine with me and that it looked operable, and that I had so much support for it all. Then my friend Dale called from California.  He was so sincere in asking what he could do and said that he loved me so much and was almost crying.  He said he would come and visit in the spring.... Then my friend Barbara called.  She has a friend who's a doctor and they talked at length about me... (me)  Her friend had so much to say about how simple this is ... and I have some other health issues that she talked about.  The doctor had easy nutritional ideas and felt all would be well.  Then, my friend Jan called.  On my voice mail she did some Christmas carol on her kazoo.  Jan has perfect pitch.  When we talked, she asked about all my doctor appointments.  Jan has taken me to every one.  She even sat in the room for the needle biopsy.  She was very fun to talk to. 
  Then I took myself to a candlelight service.  I never went to church on Christmas Eve, but my friend Kathy was singing and directing her choir there, and suggested I come.  It was so sweet.  Nothing dramatic or big.. They kept the place dark and the Reverend spoke quietly.  Brought me to tears... which is redundant, but I got calm.  Kathy sat next to me when she could.  Put her arm around me and held my hand.   It felt like a blanket of love.  
  What has cancer taught me?  Well, so far, that it's ok for me to cry.  And it's ok to receive love.  And that I am blessed beyond anything I could imagine.  As Blanche said in A Streetcar Named Desire, "Sometimes - there's God - so quickly!"
   

GYN

      I know this is black but it did make me laugh... On Tuesday, the GYN called and said, "It looks suspicious of cancer."  Then she said, "It is cancer."  Then she gave me more info regarding a surgeon.   Then she said,  "You have a nice holiday."

THE BIG "C"

    So what I have done is nothing.. Fear overwhelms me so I reach out to friends and family for support… I try and get out and walk as often as possible… but my walks are short and so am I… It's good for my body, and good for my soul.  One person said to take my time and get all options possible… and affirm .. all is well… I have doctors to see, etc.. and second opinions to get … but that’s it…

     What are you benefitting from cancer?  Bernie Siegal asks this question… I can’t think of benefits right now except that I know more deeply how much I am loved.  This was one of the most profound things I heard my mother say as she was dying…She said “I never knew how much I was loved.”  I also see more clearly my irritations and anger… and I don’t like it… I also see in me, a self loathing at times … I don’t think I ever learned how to love myself… I’m not blaming anyone… It’s my job to love me, not anyone else's… and I see how much I like the silence… Once , many years ago…. I stopped talking for a few days… didn’t pick up the phone… I got more and more quiet… and the peace that came after was beautiful…It was very hard for me to do... hard to believe..The other thing is there is still a way to live..even in crazy fear.  I was at the post office and the line was long… One elderly woman walked in and was so concerned about waiting.  She had a cane and said she had arthritis and she didn’t want to wait.  Other people complained there was not enough help.  I didn’t want to get involved in this kind of talk so I asked the woman if she wanted to get in front of me and she did.  Then she shared that she couldn’t do what she wanted… very sad… and then lit up and said, “But I did dance today.”.  I guess at the senior center in the morning, she got up and danced.  As she told me this briefly, she looked different.  She was smiling.  She wished me a Merry Christmas and got her stamps…I wasn’t so scared for me for little bit.  I concentrated on her……Namaste

CHAPTER TWO

    So......... when I said I was looking forward to the next chapter in my life, I didn’t mean more health issues …. Bones thinning… maybe….but most definitely, not cancer!!!! WTF?!!!!  So what have I gained from this?  … …I am glad I get those routine mammograms…. But mostly, where the hell did I get these great friends?  People are taking me to the hospital… others want to be there when I talk with the surgeon… others offer healings, love, prayers… some who have been through it already offer whatever advice I need… I would love to tell you that I am so wonderful, that I get great friends as a result… it’s more like… I learned my lesson… Several years ago, I was told some rough stuff… My one cousin and her boyfriend shared more than once that I have an “edge”.  Not a nice edge…Another cousin shared that I am judgmental… What a bitch!!!!  My brothers have opinions that I refuse to write… so I worked hard at this sarcasm and sharp tongue.  I pretty much keep it under control and do my best not to hurt others…. I do very well for a little while, then it comes out… can’t control myself…I laugh at something NOT to be laughed at… I scoff at a sweet story, or I just get pissy… but it’s less than I used to be…. for example.. there was a surprise birthday party thrown for me at work 7 years ago, and the flier said, “Please say Happy Birthday to one of the nicest, funniest people we know.”  …OK… so they didn’t know me that long…..When my mother died.. one of her coworkers came up to me at the funeral and said, “Your mother taught me kindness.  And that’s what you need to learn, kindness.”  So I hit her…. Anyway, I am not as nice as my mom… and I don’t even try… and I am not as good as I would like to be… but…..I love love love my friends and I am definitely blessed…So... if it's cancer that needs to show me how lucky I am.... so be it...

PENNIES

       I started reading Dr. Wayne Dyer books in 1978.  Sort of ate them like candy.  Then after some time, stopped.  In 2006, I picked up one of his books at the library and once again, devoured it ... He talked about money in it and he said that whenever he finds a penny on the ground, he takes it very personally and thanks the universe for showing him the abundance that is ever flowing.  He figures it was no accident and it was put there just for him.  Two weeks ago at Walgreens as I was walking out, I found 2 pennies and gave them to the cashier.  My thought was, “I hope the universe doesn’t think I am ungrateful.”  Louise Hay says to accept those invitations to someone buying you lunch, etc. and say thank you.  And I figure that means “thank you to them pennies..”  So after Walgreens, I went to the dry cleaners and as I got out of the car, found two pennies on the ground. Guess the gods really wanted me to have 2 cents.  In the year, 2000, I was working for the Marriott.  I worked in a little cubicle, making reservations for their hotels all over the country.  I remember once, having an imaginary conversation with my “ex” teacher while at work. She called herself a holistic health counselor, but it turned out to be holistic bullshit.  She was very expensive and I hung on her every word.  She made thousands off of me.  After losing it all, including my sanity, and finally bailing, I slowly started rebuilding my life in 1997.  She would call a lot and would just want to have lunch and I would decline.  Finally I wrote her a letter asking for some of the cash back.  It never happened.  I get a call from her once every six years.  So, for some reason, when I was bored, I started imaginary conversations with her… This evening at Marriott Reservations, I was talking to her about money. (in my mind)  It was a slow night.  I told her that “pinching pennies” was not such a bad idea.  She was big on spending.  And coupon cutting? Well, when I thought I needed to do more of that, given my limited income, she said, “Raise your consciousness Chris.”  She would call this "poverty consciousness".  So in between reservations,  I said that the more I investigated this, people did extremely well by paying attention to what they spent and saving where they could.  It seemed to make life simpler and easier....There was no one near me and as I am thinking this thought, everywhere I looked, there was a penny.  There was one at my computer, one on the floor, one in the cubicle behind me and on and on it went.  I picked them all up and put them in my wallet with alot of  gratitude.  It wasn’t enough to buy a cup of coffee, but it was great fun. 

TURKEY

    I am a tad embarrassed to share this, but I spent Thanksgiving alone.  My brother invited me over and then he cancelled a few days before the holiday.  A couple people said that I could come over to their home and share in the festivities, which was so sweet of them, but I find their families difficult to be around and I feel intrusive.  So…. I went to the park, went grocery shopping, ate a good meal, exercised and took myself to a movie.  A friend reminded me… “You had your Thanksgiving last week when your family was in town.” That is true… I did.. No turkey or anything….. but it was a great weekend… This “alone” thing is daunting… when I looked at it more closely, it wasn’t about being alone so much, it was the “How do I tell people this?  I will feel like a loser.”  But I don’t frankly.  I told some people, and it is fine... In fact... I feel pretty good.   I used to get very sick during the holidays … I don’t anymore… and for this I am truly thankful…

MOVIES

      I don’t really care that a nine year old was my boss…no I don’t  … I don’t even care that she caught mistake after mistake in my work… but when she fired me, the humiliation I felt took me right back to being scolded as a child. I met someone spectacular this week,… then was acknowledged by Cheryl Richardson that she thought my blog was beautiful… then was able to get a few appointments that I have been putting off.  DONE.   And exercised a little extra…BUT THAT NINE YEAR OLD FIRED ME.  Actually, she is 20, and very nice.  So, I could almost be her grandmother.  Her GRANDMOTHER.  “I am sorry Grandma, but we have to let you go.”  Sure, you are a good person, but your cash drawer has been short 3 times and over one time... and you are making the same mistakes… I didn’t feel like telling her that after 2 hours on the job, I couldn't see straight from the pain I was in.....much less work.  They had cut me so much slack already.  They gave me a little extra time to learn the job and talked to me before about things I did wrong.  I figured, I should just thank her and leave.    It was a great time…I learned alot... Nothing I could tell you at the moment.  Well, I will say this... a sixteen year old will do almost anything to get into a movie rated R without a guardian.  And I do feel so cool using a walkie talkie.  And people have a hard time understanding that a 3D movie costs more than a movie that isn't 3D.  And those microphones they have in these box offices are horrible.  And seniors forget they're seniors alot, and can get a discount... probably because they're seniors.  And people call the theatre and want to not only know what movies you're showing, but a complete review.   Now, I have worked other jobs and although it seems to take me a long time to learn a task, I eventually do it very well, but this time, well.... let's just say, I needed to work more to get it right.

  The General Manager was there and I had to sign papers saying I understood the mistakes I made… I think this way, I can’t go after them…or something…not that I would... And then the last thing… the badge… My name tag… The same card you use to log in… stripped of my “badge".  They walked me to the elevator and the three of us were going down together.  We all three stared at the floor.  Finally I said, “Boy this is awkward, isn’t it?”  They at least giggled.  Wayne Dyer always congratulates people who get fired.  He figures it's the universe getting you out of something you shouldn't be in, and you didn't get out of it yourself...Looking forward to the next chapter...

ME AND CHERYL

  About 12 years ago, I was watching OPRAH and a beautiful woman was on promoting a book.  Her name was Cheryl Richardson.  She called herself a life coach and I was fascinated.  I watched her work with a single mom who barely had time for herself between her job and raising her children.  What she really wanted to do was write and perform her poetry.  Cheryl was wonderful and gave her some great ideas to find time to write.  One was to just carrying around a small tape recorder to record ideas as they came to her...Cheryl said it wasn't about time, it was about fear, and soon the young mother was writing again and giving some readings.  She worked with another woman who had such concerns about how her friends interacted with her.  If they hadn't called in a while, she would get very upset.  She said that she went to a party with a new coat and someone said, "That is the ugliest coat I have ever seen."  Cheryl had alot of advice, and also said she wonders what that does to our bodies when we stuff our feelings.  I ran to the bookstore to get her book.  I was working at the Marriott back then.  I opened the book and it talked about money issues… something I had.  One suggestion she had was to see what you could cut out of your budget to save money. Not exactly new advice, but I realized the book was too extravagant for me to buy at that time, so I didn’t get it.  A few  years ago, I was at church and in their bookstore I saw one of her latest books for only 5 dollars.  I grabbed it and it’s been wonderful to read and use.  Then I got on her Facebook page, and from time to time we say hello to one another.  When I didn’t win a contest that she held on Facebook,  I wrote, “I feel so used.”  Fortunately she got the joke.  One time there was a caricature of her husband and I wrote, “He never calls.”  She got that one too and says it back to me when I write her.  She is getting more and more famous, yet she doesn’t forget these goofy things I have said.  She seems to walk her talk.  I hope someday to meet her.  I listen to her radio show and find her advice is so perfect and practical.  One person called in recently who is starting her own business.  She has repeatedly told people to have a good source of income in place when doing this and this woman had great concerns about her finances.  She was ready to go on a cruise where Cheryl was one of the speakers and Cheryl said if she really didn’t have the money, then to put the cruise on hold.  Come on… How many people would say, uhm…”don’t take this cruise that I am a keynote speaker on…” if she didn’t have a whole bunch of integrity?  This is why I think she is getting so much attention.  We gravitate to honesty….  She tells people who call in with very serious issues, that she is putting them in her prayer book.  On Facebook she will express her personal “stuff” and how she handles it… with a great deal of gratitude.  As soon as I have the money, I will go see her speak at one of these conferences... in the meantime…"He never calls” and “I feel so used” will have to suffice.

LEO AND HARRY

  No time for chit chat… running out the door.... I did however put a bunch of things away after an amazing weekend with my nephews… My brother has two great boys.  Leo is 15 and Harry is 13.  Leo had brain surgery last year and it hasn’t slowed him down a bit.  He is writing on two football websites and doing well in school.  He coaches football on Sundays.  I didn’t believe my eyes when I saw him.  He has changed so much in 15 months. He is a head taller than my brother.  Harry is so cute. He is a little guy for his age. They are both very interested in everything.  Harry asks me a lot of questions about my life.  He lets me grab him and hug him all the time.  They are both so quick witted.  Harry wanted more answers as to how the braces on my legs help me walk.  Leo grabbed my crutch and tried to imitate me.  It was not a good moment, but when I asked to him to stop, he did.  Harry told me about school and some of his extracurricular activities.  This past year, he has been baking a great deal, and asked for some of my mother’s recipes.  His specialty seems to be banana bread.  My sister in law ran out to my car when I got to their hotel.   Her Long Island accent is great.  “Hi honey!!!”  Harry was with her.  When Leo came up to the car, I did a double take.  He said, "How are you Chrissy?"  I said, "I'm fine. Who are you?" They are so eager to help me.  They got my stuff out of the car and got me to my room.  They said they were starving and we ate in the hotel restaurant.  I have to say, the Sheraton in Cuyahoga Falls is beautiful.  My brother Joe showed up later that evening and stayed over Saturday night.  On Friday we watched the movie, Bridesmaids.  Randy Pausch says, “Never, ever underestimate the importance of having fun.”  And that movie definitely had us all in stitches.  My nephews are incredibly curious.  We watched a reality show on Saturday night, just me and the boys and there was a woman on who knew a murder was about to happen, but said nothing.  When the newscaster asked how she felt about that and she responded, Harry said, “She doesn’t seem very remorseful.”  I noticed for the 3 days we were together, that there were no tantrums, or pouting or too much angst.  They were instructed to clean things up after they made any mess in the hotel room and they did.  They loved swimming and the fitness room…Even though their visit was short, my brother wanted to see a cousin who is very ill.  He seems to have incredible integrity, my brother…. AND his wife.  I was hoping the boys got all that from me…..

 Last week, I got an email from a lady who finished writing a book about dance with a picture of me dancing in a wheelchair.  Two years ago, she asked me to submit any writings I had that she could put with the picture.…  She liked what I wrote. If it went into this book, it would be the first time I was ever published.  So she wanted me to see the finished product and we met last week.  The picture was lovely, and so is the book.  Meeting this writer was exciting.  She was very kind, but that writing I did was not in it.  It made sense as the writings in this book were more poetry than the kind of stuff I write but still, I was disappointed. So that was Monday. 

  I was certain I was destined for this next gig… Karen McCrocklin, hosts her own radio show on Hay House Radio… she is incredibly alive and funny and has great guests…She celebrates being gay and helps others come out…. She held a contest for a listener to interview her for an hour.  I couldn’t wait to enter.  She said she wasn’t sure how it would be done, but you get extra bonus points for calling in her show, so I called and got on.   She explains it would be random and her assistant would be handling it.  She said to send three questions that you will ask her.  I pondered this for a long time.  I asked what really moved her… what does she know for sure, and how did she learn to have such an open heart to everyone, not just the gay community…. After watching her on you tube and reading articles and interviews, she seemed like she was advocating for us all.  Not just the LGBT community.  I thought it would be an honor to talk with her.  I knew I could do this.  I get stage fright alot, but voice overs, radio, has been much easier for me. 

   There were over 200 entries and she announced the winners last week.  She decided last minute it would be two people.  It wasn’t me.  That was Wednesday.

   I feel like this is how life goes.  We can’t always get what we want but I was still bummed.  Then a facebook friend posts a video of Oprah talking about surrender and The Color Purple.  I heard this story a few times but this was more detailed.  It was great.  She said she had to let go of getting in that movie, even though it was all she wanted.  And she wanted to be happy for the person who got the role she auditioned for…When she finally got that, the moment she understood that concept, she got a phone call from Steven Spielberg to come into his office the next day and he heard she was on a fat farm.."If you lose a pound, you could lose this part."  Of course, she got the part...                     

     About 30 years ago, a friend was moving to Los Angeles to become an actor.   Many of my friends are actors.  I see them in movies or television, but this one got me.  I was happy for her but sad I wasn’t going.  I prayed long and hard about this.  The answer I got was to be as happy for her as if it were me, if not more so.  This wasn’t the answer that I wanted.  I swear, God answers all my prayers, and the answer is usually “NO.”  One thing I noticed was I wrote more last week.  Posted a couple of pieces on this blog.  “What do you want me to do?”  is usually the question I ask God…. Still working on that one..

  

  

 

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.....................................................

   About 32 years ago I was living in Athens Ohio and lying and saying I had already graduated from college.  I hadn’t.  But I was in town and working with a professor, writing comedy and making a demo reel to take to auditions when I left.  I was also working.  It was one of the most magical times in my life.  I decided since I was not in any classes to relax as much as I could.  I worked but it didn’t feel like work.  I was 23 and waitressing.  The restaurant was tiny and called “The Hobbit House.”  I loved it.  Once I got how to do things, it was very easy.  I had a table with 2 women at it.  It was a slow time in the day and they were the only ones in this restaurant.  I wondered how I could make this the most fun I could possibly have.  I don’t remember what I did or how I served, I just enjoyed it a lot.  The one woman smiled and said “Thank you, it was lovely.”, when she left.  Then the manager came up to me and he said, “What did you do?  They were so happy with the service.” 

  When we were making this demo reel in the spring, we were taping sketches that I and this professor had written featuring me.  We were working with the radio and television dept. and the graduate students in the theatre dept.  Things were not going well with the radio and television dept.  I did the same thing as when I waitressed.  I asked myself one evening as we were taping, how I could make it fun for myself.  I didn’t think about anything but that.  We did this sketch over and over and it was just me and one other actor.  I enjoyed it thoroughly.  After it was over, we went to a bar to discuss things.  One director sat down and immediately commented on my incredible patience.  She said she couldn’t believe how I kept the energy up with each take.  This was a woman who could not remember my name for 2 years.  It’s comical that anyone could think I had such patience.  I don’t consider myself patient. 

  In both of these instances, I didn’t worry about others, or care too much what anyone thought of me.  I simply took care of myself and the rest got done.

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL

     When I was a kid, I walked to my elementary school very happy… I loved the rain… I loved the crossing guard… I loved new pencils… I loved my friends… I loved the teachers… They were sweet and smart and kind… I loved learning something new… I loved playing dodge ball… I loved the last day where the teachers surprised us with a trip to the Big and Little store for ice cream cones… I loved our principal…He even knew my name.  I loved his secretary.  She was bright and smart and called my mother at work once, to tell her my skirt ripped and I needed to go home to change clothes.  I loved lunch and the women that worked there.  I loved standing in line.   Then I got a little bit older and just got scared…. I could not figure out how to act with the other kids.  I wasn’t as popular…I didn’t have the right clothes… I did poorly in school and the teachers weren’t so nice anymore.  The librarians at the junior high seemed angrier than the amazing librarian I knew in elementary school…  that seemed unreal, she was so kind.  I remember her eyes lighting up when I brought  her daffodils from our garden.  I managed to graduate high school by the skin of my teeth.  Almost 40 years have gone by…

     I still live near my elementary school, and I love the rain… I love new pencils… I love my friends… I love learning something new.  I still go to the Big and Little store… only I buy a V-8 instead of ice cream.   I love lunch, especially with a friend or two.  I love the librarians that greet me kindly every time I walk in at our local library.  I love the lady at the grocery store who makes it her mission to tease me every time I walk in.  I love to sing.  I love to dance.  I love when my kitchen is clean…  Once you pass the “needing to impress” years, you love life again… You start to appreciate the same stuff from your childhood. You take less for granted because you know your days on this earth are numbered.  You set up better boundaries so the critical folk you thought you should put up with are out of your life.  You giggle at other’s imperfections because you know you have the same issues in one form or another… You have fun as a child doing everything….You get mad at your friends, then two minutes later, you walk hand in hand. 

TRUTH

    When I first broke my back in 1980, I thought all would be well… It took some time to realize that I had damaged the spinal cord and was paralyzed.  I could bend my legs in bed, but I wasn’t getting the picture.  I had a bag attached to me to urinate… but I still didn’t get it.  I had surgery about 6 days after it happened.  Then it took a few days to heal, and then they put me on a tilt table in therapy to sit up because I had been laying down for so many days.  Gradually they sat me up and would check my blood pressure in case I was about to pass out.  Then they gave me weights for my arms and exercises to strengthen my upper body.  Then finally, they stood me up in between parallel bars and I couldn’t feel the floor or move my legs at all.  I flipped out.. I cried for a few days.  I was so angry at the world.  Then slowly, I started to feel better.  They may have given me drugs for the depression, I don’t remember, but I realized that I would walk again.  Not only walk, but be a hundred percent healed.  I got very happy.  Just peaceful.  Everything was beautiful.  The walls in the hospital.  The wonderful people taking care of me.  Life was perfect.  After 10 weeks, my parents brought me home.  The 3 hour ride felt wonderful after being in the hospital so long.  It was November and the leaves on the trees were changing.  I told myself to remember this anytime I was sad.  It was an adjustment moving back in with my parents but still the peace I felt was great.  This feeling lasted about a year.  I was trying to figure out what changed.  Was it the rods in my back moving and sticking out of my back causing great pain?  I don’t mean, sticking out of my back through the skin, but two bumps in my back.  Was it my father’s anger that was constant?  I really don’t know but I wasn’t as happy.  I saw Martha Beck talking to Oprah last week about this bliss she felt after surgery and realized she could feel it all the time if she told the truth.  She wasn’t cheating on her taxes, it was more the small things like saying she was fine when she wasn’t.    Or just being honest with herself.  She said sometimes she didn’t want to work out at the gym, but really enjoyed roller blading and would do that instead.  I saw a friend yesterday.  I could tell she wasn’t doing great.  She said she was not that good and we chatted briefly.  I have no problem with this.  It makes her very human and approachable so why am I so fake sometimes?  I was at church about a year ago and said hi to someone and he said, “Can you smile?” I did but it was weird.  I went to visit people I used to work with and we all were giggling and I walked up to one supervisor and said “Hello.”, and asked how she was doing and she said, “Can you smile?”  All I wanted to say was, “Why is that so important to you?” Instead I smiled.   

  Maybe I was so peaceful in the hospital because I spent some time feeling all my feelings of hopelessness and despair with the thought of never walking again and the bliss "feeling" was just underneath.  I remember not caring what anyone thought of me as I had my "breakdown".  How freeing. 

S......Weet

All I did was affirm what a great day it was…My brother used to tease me about doing affirmations but I wanted to test this affirmation out.  I told myself in the morning that it was going to be a great day.  I kept saying how great the day is... all through the day.... Things like, "Life loves me."  "Only Good Lies Before Me."

     So yesterday, I saw my back doctor.  He is one of the kindest doctors I have ever had.  He did something different in his manipulations and my back was a lot better.  He doesn’t crack it anymore… but moved my legs around and twisted me a lot.  It was great…I felt pretty good after.

  I came home and cleaned up my place a lot.  Still affirming.  I made two important phone calls and then went out with a friend to watch her and some other ladies do an Egyptian Dance that they are performing this week.  She had talked about this “group” a lot.  But she takes class 2 minutes from where I live in a place I would have never imagined.  There is a little industrial area by the railroad tracks and this little place has a studio in the back.  So I watched them and sitting there, I started to feel pretty bad... Alot of back pain.  After they were done rehearsing, my friend told me to lay down on a table they had that massages you.  After figuring out the controls, I turned it on and let it massage me.  It was sheer heaven.  Then they invited me in another room for wine and cheese.  It was positively lovely and unexpected.  They told me to come back and use the massage table again.

All I did was affirm all day how great the day was….

GARDENS

    When I was very young, around 10, I would say all the “things”, I heard adults say.  I think that is normal.  One of the things I would say was, “Well, if you ask me…”, and then I would say whatever.  My father’s response was, “Who asked you?”  Nice.  Then another time, out of nowhere he said, “You don’t seem to understand that nobody asked you.” Although, my father was nasty and rude,  that is the truth… people are not necessarily asking for my opinion all the time.  So I bite my tongue very often and of course I still mess up.  I watched a close friend going down a dark road for several years.  She said such self deprecating words.  It broke my heart.  Finally, I asked something about her eating habits as she is diabetic, and she said in not so many words that it was none of my business.  It wasn’t/isn’t.  Now she is very sick, and it is STILL none of my business.  Cheryl Richardson asked Louise Hay how to be with a friend that may very well be dying, and Louise Hay said, “Love him.” I don’t know what my friend’s life is supposed to be like or why she is here.  My dear friend Michelle said that my friend’s soul knows exactly what it’s doing….In one of Wayne Dyers books he writes, “Cultivate your own garden.”  He goes on to say that we need to do our thing and stay out of everyone else’s garden.  I do my best but this one is hard.  I watched my mother sink into deep sadness with issues around my father.  I remember the last day she stopped over before getting really sick and dying.  She was so pale and it was as if her life had left her.  The sparkle I knew so well had left her eyes.  I asked her if she was ok and she said, “I’m okay honey, I’m just not wearing any lipstick.” I found out more "stuff" had happened with my dad.   People aren’t here to make sure Chris Vartorella gets all her needs met.  They have their own journeys and they are cultivating their gardens as best as they can....... …but if you ask me.... this sucks!

:)

     I had a lovely time the other night…. I was in group therapy and it was our last session for a while.  The facilitator baked chocolate brownies and I brought some chocolate candy.  We all checked in and I found it very interesting to listen about everyone’s experience in the group the last several weeks.  More so than usual.

    Then the facilitator wanted it to be a light meeting to sort of relax and she brought a few things to “dEstress us..” but asked us first what we wanted to do.  She brought “worry stones” that we could decorate and take home… she had a few other crafts for us if we wanted to do them, but there was no pressure.  She put on some ENYA music which a couple of us found annoying.  I actually like ENYA, but this CD was different.  None of us were speaking up about what to do, but one man brought his guitar and asked if he could sing for us.  We all said yes and we turned off ENYA…and he played and sang.  He chose very sweet, soft music.  I caught myself with the biggest grin on my face.  I get so uptight that I think it will take me weeks to calm down.  But it only took a second to get into his singing.  We all did.  He did a few songs and smiled at each one of us.  I saw so much of him as he sang.  We never got to the crafty stuff…. We all applauded and felt very grateful that he shared his gifts with us.  He said he used to sing and play to his children before they went to bed.  I reminded myself to play some soothing music as I drift off to sleep.  When we all said “goodbye”, it seemed like everyone had such gratitude… The whole evening took me by surprise.

     Last year, I was invited to a party with many people I didn’t know.  The host lived on the lake in a beautiful condo.  I enjoyed meeting people and then she said, “Dinner is ready.”  I thought we already had dinner.  Apparently, I was eating appetizers.  She made the most amazing meal and I LOVED every bite.  One of the guests brought homemade chocolate candy.  We then sat out on her deck and watched the water.  I mean the condo is right on the beach.  Then before the sun set, there was the most beautiful rainbow.  The host looked over at me and said, “Ohhh Chris.”  I caught myself again with the biggest smile and she saw me….

   Sometimes, all I need is some soft music, some friends, old and new and a rainbow.   ….. and some chocolate…… and a Dortmunder….
    You'd think I would want this for my loved ones but uhm..... well.....   When my dad was dying, my brother came in from New York to help out a few times.  He would leave his wife who was pregnant, a job and his little boy who was two and he never complained.  When he would go back home, we would talk every day.  One day he said that he and his wife got a babysitter for his son and got to a dinner party at a friends apt.  They sat out in a beautiful garden and had a wonderful meal.  He told me how beautiful the evening was and the leaves were turning.  He told me how lovely his wife looked.  I was absolutely exhausted and was SO jealous that he had a nice time....I was at my dad's apt. and when we hung up, instead of feeling good that he got a much needed evening out, I danced around the apartment and imitated everything he said... like a four year old.... "OOOO , we got to go to our friend's house and have dinner..!!!!"
   IT'S ALL ABOUT ME BABY.....

 

   

SURRENDER

        There used to be a commercial for a drug rehab in Cleveland... they'd say..... “Help is just a phone call away.” I think God is like that.  I think God is just a phone call away.  I used to think God didn’t answer my calls because he was too busy.  In 1989, there was a lump found on mother’s thyroid and the doctor wanted a biopsy.  She was so scared.  It turned out to be nothing but all the time leading to it was frightening.  After she told me, I wondered how, as a family, we would manage this. My mind went everywhere thinking that if it was cancer, and she needed chemo, how would we take care of her?  My health was not that good.   I couldn’t help but think of when she had gall bladder surgery in 1985 and it was filled with cancer.  While waiting for the surgery to be over, my father was so irritable and difficult to be around.  This was the old way of doing gall bladder surgery and recovery took a long time.  It was a frightening period.  So I prayed.  I sat on my couch and spoke as honestly as I could.  I told God that I truly couldn’t manage the stress of it all.  I told God that I knew I had messed up a lot but still I wanted his help.  I told him that this was his “movie”, and I was just the actor.  I told him that I would behave any way I was supposed to, but I didn’t know how.  It was total surrender or as close as I had ever gotten.  I don’t remember going to bed but I woke up to a phone call from a friend.  She started talking in German.  She never is up early so a phone call from her at this time was weird.  I started laughing a lot.  Then I did my usual routine that day which was going to a swim class that I truly enjoyed.  When I got home, I was in the same amount physical pain that I always was.   My windows were open and it was so nice outside.  I never did this before, but I yelled out to a couple of women walking down the street and they were SO nice and greeted me with great glee.  Almost like little kids.  I then made dinner for myself.  After a very quiet dinner, I cleaned up and for some reason, I lit a candle I had.  It was a pink rose quartz candle with pink crystals at the bottom.  As soon as I lit it, tears came up in me and I said, “I’m really not alone, am I?”  I realized the day was so much lighter for me.  In fact, it was downright blissful.  The calm that I had was lovely…It felt like I had a bunch of angels guiding me but here’s the strange part.   Nothing outwardly had really changed.   

   The following week, she had her surgery.  I wasn’t nearly as frightened as before and was able to be more present for her.  The feeling in the waiting room with my brother and father was so different.  This time my father was joking with my brother.  The surgeon came out and said, “It doesn’t look like cancer, but we will do the tests.”  When we got to her room, she could barely talk.  I adjusted her blanket, tripped, and almost fell on her.  My brother had to leave the room, because he was laughing so hard.  With her eyes closed, she said, “What did the doctor say?”  I leaned over and quietly said, “He said it doesn’t look like cancer.”  I looked at my father and mouthed, “I don’t know.”, and made a gross gesture that indicated, “Bullshit.”  Usually, my father was appalled by my jokes, but this time, he started to laugh so hard that he had to leave the room.   They got the results fast and it was benign.  I really felt like the bliss I was in was the gift and whatever the outcome, I could handle it.  The tests results were just the bonus.

 

MY FRIEND MARY

     I heard Joan Borysenko say that when she was working with patients that were dying, they all said the same thing. They all looked back on there life and they looked back on the quality of their relationships.  She said when you look back, you look at the people who have touched your heart, and who's hearts you've touched.

     When I heard her say this I thought of one of my old roommates, Mary.  She was always kind to me no matter what.  She would get angry at me at times, but the common theme in our relationship in the last 30 some years was her kindness to me.  When I broke my back and it looked like I would never walk again, she called and was very calm.  I was in Ohio and she was in Chicago.  She told me that the body was amazing and could heal.  She called of course, at just the right time.  We see each other from time to time, and she always is sweet and caring.  One time she called saying she had to tell me something.  I immediately thought I did something wrong and she said, “I needed to tell you that in all these years, you have never judged me.”  This was quite the coincidence because I catch myself judging others quite often.  Of course, she called right after I had dinner with a friend and I told my friend that I didn’t know the difference between judgments and discernment. 

   Mary gets uptight about some stuff… so do I… but I don’t care…. She’s great…She’s not too uptight to say, “I love you.”, at the end of each phone call.

  I had moved to another state to get extensive acupuncture.  I stayed with a friend and her mother and brother, and as soon as I felt healthier, I would move out on my own.  I didn't know my friend I was staying with was crazy even though we spoke every day.  Mary knew her. So, I got healthier, but not healthy enough to live on my own.  A few months went by.  Although they wanted me to stay, it was a nightmare and I was so scared.  Too sick to move out.... Mary called.  “Gee, I thought you were only staying there a short time.”  I couldn’t say anything because they were there.  I just said, “Ya, me too.”  She knew right away that something was wrong.  All she said was, “Oh no Chris.”  I felt so validated at that moment. 

  During another very dark time in my life. She called me out of the blue. and I told her why I was so depressed.   I had a holistic health counselor who convinced me what a bad person I was.  After I told her the story, she expressed her views on it and that this wasn’t worth hating myself for.  She said, “I won’t let you beat yourself up like this Chris, I won’t!”   It was just what I needed to hear.

   I can’t say that I have loved that deeply with most people, but I can say I love Mary.  What’s not to love?

PEACE

     When I was about to graduate high school, I was scared to death and depressed about my life… The last day of school, I looked down from the bridge connecting the north and south side of the high school..I saw my six closest friends walking, giggling.  They each had their important plans after graduation … …..Five of them were going to college and one had a great job lined up….They all did the right things… They worked in the summers, some during the whole year.  They got good grades and helped others.  Then there was me.  My main goal was getting in plays at school and even though we were all in marching band together, they practiced and I didn’t.  I fooled around a great deal and I barely graduated.  I was prepared for nothing.  My parents were very worried.  My father said the only thing that I knew how to do was to memorize lines.  No amount of lectures from them worked.   In March of my senior year, after the musical I did was done, I got a job at the local hospital working in the kitchen.   Since I did not get my driver’s license because I was too scared to drive, this was good because I could walk there.  I was not liked at this job.  I couldn’t do anything right.  I would be given a task and I would screw it up.  Not on purpose, I just was incredibly immature.  The older women were annoyed, the young girls wanted to kill me and my supervisors were as patient as they could be.

   So, after I watched my friends, there was an awards ceremony that day.  I received the Best Thesbian award, but it felt so hollow. We got to come home early after that and that was our last day of high school.  I came home thinking I had no future and had a few hours before I went to work.  My mother was working and she would be home right after I left.  We would just miss each other.  I sat for a second, thinking my life was over.  I figured I messed up every opportunity for a future that I had.  When you are 17, you can’t see anything down the road… even a week or two… even a second.   I felt like a piece of dirt.  Then, out of nowhere, I decided I just wouldn’t feel bad that afternoon.  So I cleaned the kitchen, made the beds and vacuumed a little.  I figured she could at least come home to a clean house even though her daughter was a failure.  I put the award I got on the dining room table where she could see it.  I put my uniform on, complete with hairnet, and went to work. 

    Work was the same.  Very hard.   I was taking trays of food from hospital rooms and putting them in a big “thing”.   When I knelt down to load one up, a very slow feeling of peace started at the top of my head and bathed me… almost like being enveloped in love.  It was an unexpected feeling….   I felt something I hadn’t felt in many years, which was peace.   Somehow, a little service in a dark hour for me paid off.  In that moment, I didn’t feel like I was a failure.

OUTSIDE INTERFERENCE

    When I was 29 I was in a play at a local college.  It was exhausting but I was glad to be performing.  I had broken my back 5 years before and almost severed the spinal cord.  I could walk at that point but still had some paralysis.  I had had a second back surgery 2 years earlier.  I was sick with constant infections and in a lot of pain.  I was getting acupuncture and the acupuncturist was very rough on me about everything.  He felt I could be doing much more than I was and would say so.  He would touch a spot on my leg with an instrument and ask what I could and couldn’t feel.  He would say that I was spacing out when I simply couldn’t feel something.  I had an appointment with the doctor who had done my last back surgery, and he said there was no reason to be in this much pain, and that everything was fine.  I explained that I couldn’t even hold a job because I was so exhausted.  So, that evening at rehearsal, a fellow actor who had known me for 4 years asked how my doctor appointment went. I shared with him that I told the doctor that I was unable to work.  My "friend" began yelling at me saying, "Well, what do you want to do!!!!? As he yelled, more people gathered around like spectators of a car accident. He started yelling about what I should do career wise.   I literally began backing away... As I backed away, I started wetting my pants.  I use a catheter to urinate and back then, had a lot of accidents.  Then at a restaurant after a performance a young man yelled across a long table, “Chris!  What are you going to do!?”  I said, “What?”  He said, “What are you going to do?”  He said it loud enough so that everyone could hear.  I can’t remember what I said but the next night I walked in the green room and he said, “Hi Chris.  How was work today?”  I said something very cruel to him.  So that night, I was completely exhausted driving home.  My body just wasn’t working and there wasn't a single person that understood.  Not my surgeon, not the acupuncturist, not my family, nor my fellow actors or friends. The road I was driving on was so dark.  It was a perfect metaphor for how I felt.  I figured that the only way to end the pain, was to end my life and this thought began putting me at peace.  I could drive off the road very fast, run into a pole and end it all.  I didn’t. I got home, but during the whole run of the show I fantasized about how my problems would be over if I were dead. I managed to do a good job in the play.  I got alot of good feedback. This was fine but not enough to make me want to stay on this earth.  In my heart of hearts, I think everyone was trying to help me and didn't know how.  I attracted people with no boundaries and didn't know how to handle them.  I heard Cheryl Richardson talk about "shame attacks".  Well, I had them almost 24/7.  I got rid of the orthopod and got a doctor who does osteopathic manipulation and I got rid of the acupuncturist.  I got better friends. Every now and then I will see or hear from those actors.  One asked me out for coffee but I said, "No."  The other one invited me to see a play he was in, but I said, "No thank you."  The people I now have in my life are kind and understanding.  I have a much better sense of how to handle people that are too forward and I am better at honoring other's.  If someone asks me something about myself, I don't vomit information like they are my therapist.  Last week someone asked a very personal question about who I was dating and I said, "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas."

 

.

FUNNY STUFF MY FRIEND BARBARA HAS SAID

 

       Once Barbara asked me, “When someone dies, why do people say, ‘He died?  I just saw him!’, like seeing you should be a reason for them to live.”

     Barbara had difficult issues with her mother.  They had very little in common.  When she died, the rabbi doing the eulogy asked her what her mother’s hobbies were and Barbara said, “Dusting.” 

     She enjoyed doing community theatre alot.  One play I was in was so stressful that I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. She said, “You should be like me.  Take a small part, learn your lines and get laid.”.

     My father had gall bladder surgery in 1993 and they saw a spot on his chest x-ray the size of a dime..Once surgery was done, they were going to do some tests to find out what it was…I called her very scared and said, “maybe it’s…….. maybe it’s….” and Barbara said, “Maybe it’s a dime..”
     Years ago, her outgoing message on her answering machine was extremely funny.  I have no recollection what it was, but it made me laugh every time I called.  The man she was dating back then said, "Well it was funny once."  After she shared his critique with me, she said, "So's a limp dick." 
     One day she said, "What if Sleeping Beauty was cremated?"
     


      
    

MY UNCLE JOE

     My Mom's brother Joe was very sweet... When his wife got sick with liver cancer in 1990,  my mother went frequently to help, but her greatest contribution was that she cooked for the family and all who took care of my Aunt Ina which was around the clock.  I was impressed at all she was doing and told her.  She replied, "Well Chrissy, I can cook."  Then she told me a story about when I was born..She said, "Your father brought me home from the hospital, and then said he had a meeting at work and he left me alone, still healing, with you and with your two brothers, ages 5 and 6 running around."  She said, "Very shortly after, Joe stopped by.  He didn't make a big deal of it, he brought some groceries, put them away,  made you a bottle and gave it to you.  Once he knew I was settled, he left." 
     I noticed my Uncle operated like this alot. He was quiet and just served others, especially his sisters and he had five including my mother.   When my father was dying, he came every day to the hospital, and then one day he didn't.   He had gotten very sick, very quickly, fell into a coma and within a few days died.  He didn't want to take the attention away from my Dad....

HEROES AND FRIENDS

    My friend Danna is incredibly kind and a little shy.  She was one of my 5 closest friends in high school.  She always supported me in plays I was in and told me how talented I was.  She was a great student and after graduation went to college to become an R.N.  We saw each other on breaks. 

    I was in a play about seven years after high school and lived an hour away from her.… I called and asked her to come and stay the weekend and see the show I was in. She explained that she couldn’t as she was getting married in 4 months, and had so much to do.  She said I was invited.  I remember feeling sad that we weren’t as close as we used to be, but I was looking forward to the wedding. 

    A couple of months later, I helped someone roof a house, fell off and broke my back, almost severing the spinal cord.  I was taken to the emergency room and they sent me to another hospital an hour away because I needed a neurosurgeon.  In the ambulance, they told me the name of the hospital, and I remembered Danna worked there.  I had the paramedic see if she was there when I arrived at the E.R.  She was and had just gotten off of her shift.  When I saw her, it was like a breath of fresh air.  She was so pretty and seemed so calm.  We were 24 at the time and when I heard her say, “Hi Mrs. Vartorella!”, it brought back so many memories of high school.  My parents had just arrived and had to drive 3 hours to get to me and when they saw Danna, I think they were so relieved.

  After several days, I had back surgery.  I had a spinal fusion and two rods were put in my back to stabilize the fusion.   I was in surgery for a couple of hours and in recovery for a long time.  I remember people telling me to breathe when I arrived in my room.  I just couldn't catch my breath and it was so frightening... I was lying on my stomach and then they turned me over on my back.  I then heard footsteps of people running and talking and a burning in my arm.  They had put something in my I.V.   Then I started to feel better.  The room was dark and I felt very high.  I don’t remember my parents leaving but I remember Danna swabbing my mouth.  I then heard her talking on the phone.  She was talking to my mother.  She told her my blood pressure was back to normal.  I remember telling Danna that I never felt so close to her.   When my parents came in that morning, my mother started crying.  I was so much better.  What I found out was Danna had gotten off her shift that day and stayed with my mother while I had surgery.  Then when I got to my room at 8 p.m. and they turned me over, she said, “Mrs. Vartorella, go get a nurse, Chris’ stomach isn’t moving.”  I was overdosing on morphine and the burning in my arm was something to counter act that.  Then Danna told my parents to go back to their hotel and she would stay the night with me.  So she worked all day, then stayed all night with me.. making sure I was taken care of.

   I went through a great deal of emotional ups and downs after that.  And Danna was there.  This was 1980 and back then you could stay in the hospital a long time.  I was there for 10 weeks. By the time I left,  I could take a few steps with braces on my legs and two crutches but was mostly in a wheelchair.  I was released the day before Danna got married and I got to the wedding. I walked in the church with my father holding on to me. I walked incredibly slow and I was  so scared I would fall.  We got to the reception and I stayed in the wheelchair.  This was truly the best wedding I had ever been to.

 

REALLY, NO... I GET IT!

   My dad used to repeat the same thing to get his point across.  He got mad because we would use a glass and leave it on the front of the counter.  I get that part… then he would say, “Front counter people…. Front counter people… Front counter people"

   Once my brother and I were in the back seat of the car while my father was driving and my mother was in the passenger seat.   My brother decided to hit the button on my seatbelt, so it came undone.  It would snap and it made a loud noise.  He did this more than once.  Finally my father said, “I can’t concentrate on driving with those assholes in the back seat.  Assholes!.... Assholes!  (then one more for good measure)  ASSHOLES!

    When my dad died I went to the post office to get his mail.  I was told by the young clerk that I needed “power of attorney.”  I explained I lost that after he died.   I showed her all the papers, etc…including his death certificate.  She said “Power of Attorney .”  Every time I opened my mouth to speak she would interrupt and say, “Power of Attorney.”, like a robot.  I decided to go another day and got someone different and got his mail.  (Power of me.)

     I worked at a telemarketing company for five years .  I solicited funds from businesses for Mothers Against Drunk Driving.  Usually, about once a week, I would say I was calling on behalf of MADD and someone would say, “I’m a member of DAMM.  Drunks Against Mad Mothers.”  Every FUCKING week….

    When I was a clown for kid’s parties, I never used my crutch, because I had so much to carry… Unfortunately, I waddle without my crutch.  A few times, one of the parents would watch me and say, “Walk this way.”, and then imitate how I walk… and then explain the joke…. And then laugh…….

    When I was a secretary in an emergency room, I was usually the first person you saw.  When the emergency was severe, the nurses and doctors would waste no time and start working on the patient.  When people came in for something like a cut finger, I would have to get all their information first.  About once a week, someone would say, “Now if I was having a heart attack, would you be asking me these questions?”  Finally, I started saying, “Yes… yes I would.”

AT THE END OF THE DAY

     My first job was working at the local hospital, in the kitchen.  I had heard that a lady had been in the hospital for a while after a man had broken into her home and raped her.  Then he did things to her that were so bad, I can’t write about it but let’s just say, she needed surgery. I delivered her dinner and as  I put her tray of food on her table, I  watched her very slowly struggle to swing her legs to the side of the bed.   Watching her struggle took my breath away.

     After a few months of working in the kitchen, I applied for a job as the ward secretary in the emergency room in the same hospital.  It was a small hospital, so we didn’t usually get the real serious stuff.  I was 18 and not equipped in any way to do this.  But now that almost 40 years have passed, I see that it was a great education.  This emergency room had only 3 beds and a casting room.  I saw a great deal. There were a couple of nurses that simply didn’t care for me and I felt the same way about them.  Then I would watch them in action.  All my of my angry feelings  melted when I would see them doing CPR on a person .  I saw the one nurse pick up a little boy about 2 years old.  He burned his feet in bath water that was too hot.  The kid took to her immediately and laid his little head down on her shoulder.  I never thought of this nurse as nurturing at all.   I saw her in such a different way holding that child and comforting him.

     One time a man was brought in after having a seizure and going through a plate glass window.  A piece of glass cut something inside his ear and blood was pouring out.  Immediately, they began working on him.  The doctor on call was not very happy or nice but I watched him work.  It was taking a long time to stop the bleeding and do stitches.  At one point, he had someone take over just before he fainted and fell on the bed next to the patient.  He was soon revived and he continued.  He finished the job and the man was admitted.

        After being there a little while, one of the doctors, who was married, asked several times if he could take me home.  I would always say no.  He flirted with me a great deal.  I was very uncomfortable with this and he didn’t seem to care. One of the nurses talked about the lady who was raped and was working the night she was brought in.  She said that she hugged her husband extra hard that night because it affected her so much.  She said the doctor, the one who kept wanting to take me home was the E.R. doctor that night.  She said that he was so good with her.  She said he was so kind and gentle.  He remained calm and so everyone else did too.

       I learned that we’re all human.  We all mess up.   The doctor didn’t deal with an 18 year old girl very well, but was perfect for a woman SO abused.  The nurse that didn’t like me showed such love to a little boy.  And the disgruntled doctor who wouldn’t even say hello to me, tackled a life and death surgery, passed out, but kept going to save a man’s life.  I realize that is their “job”and to leave all bullshit at the door, but I was still impressed.  How much have I messed up in my 54 years?  Let’s move on….My friend Kelly Camlin wrote, “In the end, only kindness matters.” 

BOSSES

    You know how people have issues with their bosses a lot?  I had the most amazing supervisor at a call center I worked at… Kathy.  She had to fire me about 6 months into it, because I was doing so poorly.   I wasn’t “second efforting”, as they say in telemarketing, and I hung up on someone… not that I remember it… Then she called after a few days and said that she felt bad and hired me back.. I worked a little harder but I am not a salesperson and HATE calling and bothering people.  There were several days where she would come up to me and ask if I was in a lot of pain… I would say yes and she would send me home.  She was very kind to all the women that worked there and that she supervised.  And we had about 50 in that part of the office.  She kept us laughing a lot and she always kept us motivated with contests.  Like the first one to get a pledge gets a gift.  Or the most pledges in an hour.  The gifts were sometimes envelopes with a little cash.  Many of the young women that worked there were single moms and she always asked about their children.  She was married with three children and loved her family.  She told me a lot about her kids.  The most wonderful thing she did was she give me a surprise party.  I walked in on my birthday on a Saturday , and there was everyone yelling surprise.  When I got to my desk there were many gifts and the flyer she sent out to everyone but me… the most amazing flyer about ME that I had very seen.  She explained that it was a surprise and that she would make sure the contests would revolve around me… “Questions about Chris”… like my favorite movie… etc.  What she didn’t know was that I had been in a real funk and couldn’t get out of it.  One doctor wanted to put me on anti-depressants and I didn’t go on them.  This party was all I needed… Never did those pills and even though I haven’t worked at this place in 4 years, I still visit from time to time… and I always give a special hello to Kathy. 

THE BUREAU OF VOCATIONAL REHABILITATION

      The Bureau of Vocational Rehab works with me a lot to get me work.  It’s difficult because my energy is so limited.  Now they hire vendors to help because each BVR counselor has such a big case load.  Mine has over 90 people.  Years ago, the career center at Jewish Family Services was the one to help.  They were extremely helpful and once I secured a job, they made sure I was trained properly for it.  Then, not too long ago I needed a job and went back to BVR and the vendor they hired was great.  A young woman was getting me in to interviews and working so hard to help me.  She asked a lot about me and my physical issues.  She got to know me very well.  She knew my energy was limited.  Once, when we were talking, I told her I went on a retreat to Mt. Shasta and climbed the mountain.  This was after I had a spinal cord injury.  She said, “How did you climb Mt. Shasta when you were 30 and now you’re like THAT?.” She pointed to my body.  I felt like crying but didn’t say anything.    I am not a THAT.  I was able climb Mt. Shasta, because I had lots of help.  When I first broke my back, the Bureau of Voc Rehab came to my parents home where I lived after the accident.  The young man was very nice and each time he came, there was some improvement in my body.  He was amazed at how well I got around.  He explained that this would take a long time and that was fine.  My legs improved enough that I was on two crutches.  While I waited, I worked with my father and was a typist.  I didn’t get paid, it was more like occupational therapy.   I was ecstatic to be doing anything… I was wearing a back brace and after a year, the rods in my back that were put there to stabilize the spinal fusion had moved.  You could see two bumps in my back where they were sticking out.  The pain was incredible, and I needed a second surgery.  I stopped working with my father as I could not sit very long.  The young man from BVR found me a job and I said I couldn’t take it.  He was so upset.   He said he couldn’t believe that I had such a good attitude before and now had such a bad attitude.  I explained that it wasn’t about attitude, but my body was not working.  He didn’t buy it.  I did get those rods removed, however....

   I think with me, you are damned if you do, and damned if you don’t … On the one hand, the young lady understood how much pain I was in, but I didn’t like what she said, and on the other hand, the young man applauded getting out of a wheelchair and walking but didn’t understand how much pain I was in.  I want people to understand my limitations, yet I want them to see how far I have come….In 31 years, the BVR has come a long way.  My BVR counselor is always in my corner.  When I first met her, she was quick to get me computer training and wanted to know exactly what I was learning.  She gets my limited energy and shows concern when no one gives me an interview.  She questions whether people are stuck on the way I walk in with a crutch, etc. and maybe overlook me when it’s time to hire.  She wants my feedback on everything.  She calls, emails, whatever, despite the intense case load that she carries…If we haven’t talked for a while, she will call and not only ask about work stuff, but will ask about whatever else is going on with me.    I am picky about who I have in my life.  I want supportive friends and supportive job counselors.  I never knew I had choices about that until I had lots of therapy. 

  I highly recommend the BVR if you have a disability and need a job.  But if you don’t like the counselor they assign you, don’t let any grass grow under your feet to get another one.  You have choices.