Feb 28, 2011
I took a Reiki course in 1994. Hands on healing. I was very skeptical but took a weekend course. A few friends took it… First night, introduction and some sort of initiation… The teacher, Byll, gave us a background about himself and Reiki. Then we individually went into a room with him. Each person went in for a few minutes. When one woman was initiated, she came out and said, “I’m in bliss”. Another friend came out, broke down and cried. Other people were very moved. I went in, sat down in a chair and closed my eyes. I don’t remember what he did, but I felt nothing… I came out.. I felt ok but not bliss… Then we learned some Reiki positions on the massage tables that were set up for us and then it was over until the morning. I was in a lot of physical pain and I went home. My friends went out to dinner. I was so envious. They were all so happy. The next morning I woke up feeling awful. I had to be back at 9 am and I couldn’t move. The chronic back pain I had was full blown. I called in and said I couldn’t come and they said they would see if the teacher would do an “Absentee Reiki” on me. “Whatever.”, I thought. I hung up and I started crying. I looked at one of the many pictures I had of spiritual masters and said, “Where are you?”… I even mimicked the one girl and said, “I’m in bliss.” Then I realized I absolutely HAD to get there. I showered and with no makeup on, drove to my friend’s house. As soon as I arrived, Byll asked very quietly, “Would you like some Reiki?” Of course I did and I felt so much calmer with his hands on my back. Someone said that I looked good and I said “I look better with mascara on.” , and Byll said, “So do I.” It made me giggle, but such delight…. Then we all got ready to give each other Reiki. I laid down on the table and Byll continued working on me. I could feel my back sort of cracking but with great ease. The pain got smaller and smaller…My eyes were closed and I began to silently pray. I asked, “Is it possible that I could be happy for someone else, just for a second?” I was so self involved, I could have cared less about anyone at that point. I wondered if I could be as happy for other’s accomplishments and joys as if it were my own….. I kept praying…Afterwards, we had lunch that my friend served, and talked a little about our experiences. Each person talked about the night before and then one friend said the initiation brought her to tears because she had always been unable to heal her hands of Rheumatoid Arthritis. The rest of her body was healed, except her hands. She didn’t have any more pain, but they were extremely twisted and deformed. She said that many years ago, her brother was dying of cancer and in a crazy attempt to sort of “bargain” with God, she said she would be willing to not have her hands healed if God would heal her brother. In other words, she would give up her hands so that her brother would live. It didn’t happen. Her brother died. In the initiation, as she was sitting with her eyes closed, she said she heard a loving gentle voice say, “I don’t need your hands.”, and it brought her to tears. She said she always had known, bargaining like that doesn’t work, but now, she felt so deeply loved by God. She also felt the thing that would heal her hands, were in fact her hands themselves... In other words, she could place one on top of the other and do Reiki that way... She noticed how her fingers were already more flexible. She felt extremely grateful for the experience. As she told the story, my heart opened in a way it had never been. I was so moved by her story and happy for her. That’s right. I was HAPPY for another person. I not only was happy for her but I was happy for me getting out of myself…I don’t remember much about the pain I was in after that. I just remember a sense of calm the rest of the day and the following. After our three days were over I said, “I think I grew up this weekend.”
Monday, June 27, 2011
DANCING
The grace of the standups was compelling and overwhelming. How could I possibly be a dancer with such amazing perfomers that had been doing this forever and yet at age 44, they let me in their company. I felt exhilarated. I was very new and very happy.
I loved certain moves and at times felt like an ice skater especially when I figured out how to do a backwards turn in a circle moving one wheel. When I had tapped danced before this for several years I was stationary. I wanted to dance and I knew a little tap. Even though I walked with braces on my legs and a crutch I remembered what a time step sounded like and shuffle ball change. If I could create the sound again maybe my feet and legs would follow. But this was different. I glided. I had so much more speed. Some children at a school we performed at asked why I was dancing in a wheelchair when I could walk. I worked hard to get out ofa wheelchair but now I was back in. Seemed odd until I saw things come together. Until I performed a duet with a gorgeous man totally into our dance. The dance had more to do with how we engaged with one another than the fact that he could leap across the room and I could only roll or limp. And yet that meant something too. We wore masks in this particular dance and I couldn't see well without my glasses. But I could see him. The look in his eyes were that I mattered and this was important stuff.
I loved certain moves and at times felt like an ice skater especially when I figured out how to do a backwards turn in a circle moving one wheel. When I had tapped danced before this for several years I was stationary. I wanted to dance and I knew a little tap. Even though I walked with braces on my legs and a crutch I remembered what a time step sounded like and shuffle ball change. If I could create the sound again maybe my feet and legs would follow. But this was different. I glided. I had so much more speed. Some children at a school we performed at asked why I was dancing in a wheelchair when I could walk. I worked hard to get out ofa wheelchair but now I was back in. Seemed odd until I saw things come together. Until I performed a duet with a gorgeous man totally into our dance. The dance had more to do with how we engaged with one another than the fact that he could leap across the room and I could only roll or limp. And yet that meant something too. We wore masks in this particular dance and I couldn't see well without my glasses. But I could see him. The look in his eyes were that I mattered and this was important stuff.
MANSIONS
Anyone that knew my mother knew she was an amazing cook. They also knew she loved her home and her furniiture. Antiques sometimes.. Once we were driving home from a family outing and there was a garage sale and she gasped a bit and said, "Hall Rack! Hall Rack!"..It was almost like she was begging for oxygen ..... I can't remember if my father stopped and we looked or what, but we teased her it about for years... If we were watching a movie, she would comment on the curtains or the stove. When she saw the movie MR. MOM with Michael Keaton, she said, "Their house was right out of Ethan Allen." Once her and I and one of my brothers were discussing what heaven was. I was about 8 years old. She said, "Maybe it's different for each person. Maybe for one person, it's good food and maybe heaven for me would be red carpeting.." She loved red carpeting. Thirty some years later, as she was dying from liver cancer and was tired of suffering, the night nurse at the hospital came in her room and said," Hello Eve, my name is Betty and I will be your nurse tonight if you need anything." Quickly my mother said, "Betty, why is God taking so long?" And without hesitation Betty said, "You know how the bible says, 'My father has a mansion in heaven for each one of you?" My mother said yes and then Betty went on, "Well, in your mansion Eve they're fixing up the windows, making sure the walls are the right colors, laying down new carpeting and getting it just perfect for you. And when that's done, you can move in." To which my mother said, "Thanks. I never thought of it that way." A few days later, my mother moved into her mansion.
THE LAST WORD
My dad was taking his last breath and both my brothers were not there. I thought he had more time until the hospice worker walked in and said that he was “actively dying”. She told me that it was at this time she encourages the family to speak to the person who is about to leave the planet. I couldn’t say anything. I could not believe that I was the one to do all this. I had been so irresponsible in so many ways in my life, but now I had to be a grown up. I called both my brothers. Neither one could be there. Joe was having a panic attack and Rick lived in New York. My father called me “Dude” for many years. Sometimes he called me “Miss Dude”. I called him “Dude” as well. When I was 15, he called me “Wacker”. He called me a few other things that you don’t need to read. My friends in high school thought I had a great relationship with him but I didn't. He usually spoke highly about me to others but many times privately he said things to me that made me want to crawl into a hole… He would say them quietly so that even my mother didn’t hear and when I would tell her she would not believe me and say, “Oh honey, he loves you.” I don’t know who I wanted to kill first. Him or her. The priest came and gave him his last rights and the room became so peaceful. The whole hospital seemed to be quiet at 3:00 in the morning. The hospice worker said not to worry if I had to leave because he was taken care of. She said she could feel my mother’s presence and a few other aunts and uncles who had just died this last year. She could tell I was fading. The chronic pain that I had had for the past eighteen years increased. She quietly left.... probably because she thought I needed time alone with him before he died. I knew if I stayed, I would be in bad shape physically and wouldn’t be able to function for a couple of days. I needed to be okay for the funeral. I wanted to say, “I don’t know what you thought you were doing for the 50 years you were married to Mom, but you really screwed up.” I wanted to tell him that the reason I wasn’t married wasn’t because I couldn’t find anyone like him, as he had shared with my mother, but that it had nothing to do with him. I wanted to say that the couple’s therapist asked Mom privately if he always needed to be the center of attention. I wanted to tell him that his girlfriend made fun of me yesterday and said her son wasn’t doing much with his life and then laughed and said he should hang with me. I wanted to ask him what he told he told her about me. I wanted to thank him for taking such good care of Mom before she died and tying up so many loose ends this past year and walking in the park with me every other day and sharing a little of himself. I wanted to thank him for being so supportive after I sustained a spinal cord injury and could not walk and for being a real person back then even if it was only a brief time. I wanted to thank him for helping me learn to drive with hand controls when I got my first car. I wanted to thank him for taking me sled riding on Christmas Day when I was ten years old. I wanted to apologize for a million things I did and said that were just plain wrong. I wanted to tell him I was going to be ok because I knew he was very worried about me. I wanted to say, “I forgive you.” But I couldn’t. All I could say was, “Go ahead Dude, you do what you have to do, and I'll do what I have to do. And then I left.
HERBAL GRATITUDE
Herbal gratitude
by Chris Vartorella on Thursday, January 20, 2011
A few months after my mother died… a friend asked me to come to a meeting. It was in a hotel and it was some multi-level business selling vitamins and herbs. She had talked to me about this company and how the CEO swore that this “stuff” had healed him of all kinds of illnesses so he made it his business. I was skeptical but went… Sitting there listening to all the testimonies made my body hurt so bad…I had broken my back 17 years earlier and was always in a great deal of pain. So I went out in the hall and stretched and rested. My friend came out and her friend came out and both agreed that the calcium they were selling and another herb would help and I didn’t have to buy them, but just try them that night.. and I did.. I came home and a pain in my stomach started and increased until I crawled to the bathroom..I could not believe I had taken something from people who were not health professionals but sales people. I couldn’t tell if I was going to throw up or what but the pain increased. I curled up on the floor and breathed deeply and I kept breathing. I thought of the last seventeen years and all the physical problems I have had. I thought of the first back surgery and then the second. The infections that were non stop… Then I thought of the doctors, friends and family that told me I wasn’t that bad and how I could do much more than I was doing. I thought …” I just don’t want my life anymore.” A small voice in my head said, “Then who’s life do you want?” I kept breathing deeply and thought about it..I thought of every person I had ever known in my life and asked myself, “Do I want her life?” “Do I want his?” Everyone I thought of had some obstacle that seemed so awful to me. People that were young and healthy. I was so envious of them before, but this night I wasn’t. This went on for a long time… Finally…. After a few hours… I said, “I just want this life. Mine.” And the pain left. I went to bed and slept with great relief and gratitude.
ASKING FOR MONEY
Asking For Money
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
There is a fundraiser for the chorus I am in… People did great. So many want to help… I just don’t do it…. I see nothing wrong in it, but I can’t do it. They told us to ask 5 people for money and I don’t. I try and remember that it is not for me personally, and it’s for this chorus I am in, but I still can’t do it. I think of the nineties when I had a “holistic health counselor” insist I go to see a deity in Boston. I have been to Boston to see her twice and this counselor got all my savings with her high price sessions and the tithes she now expects for her phone counseling. She tells me that I must go and to ask people for the money, and I do. I feel awful but I do it not once, but twice. I write down every person with the date and the amount of money they gave me… In 1997, I stopped seeing this counselor. But, I asked people 5 times for money. Two times to see this deity, once, because of credit card issues, once my car needed fixing and the last time in 1997. I then, slowly, start to pay people back. First the ones that expected it, then the ones that don’t. I want them to know that I don’t do things like that anymore. I write a note with each check. I write “Thank you” on the memo of one check and on the cancelled one it says, “You’re welcome.” I am happy. I go backwards from the first time I asked for help in 1993 and slowly pay each person back. Every time I get paid, someone gets something. Some folks I just can’t find. One friend I paid was so excited. “It came at just the right time. I never expected to get it back.” I hear that more than once from people. They just wanted to help me out. They all help and I pay them all back. My big thing is hoping these folks know that they were appreciated more than they can imagine and it was never taken for granted…One family I paid back thinks it’s just to help out and forget that they helped me… some people send me my checks back… One guy said it was a gift. Another friend says the same. My brother's friend Bill totally forgot and when he received my check, matched the "payback" money I gave him and gave it all to the Parkinson Foundation in honor of his mother, who had just died from this disease. Some folks have no recollection of the money they gave me, but take my word for it.
One amazing person wants no part of me. This was a favorite teacher of mine in Junior High. She was the best teacher I have ever had. I never told anyone about this but I hadn’t seen her in years and asked for a lot of money to see a healer that was in town. Again, my health counselor insisted. "Who's the one person that believes in you?" … I don’t see her for years and I am asking her to fund a week long retreat with a healer… First we were just getting together for lunch, and then I felt like I needed to tell her why I wanted to see her, so before our lunch date I called and left a message and told her the real reason. When I didn’t hear back, I tried again and her number was changed to an unlisted number…. This was one of the most encouraging teachers in my life. Even when I was no longer in her class, she came and saw me in the plays I did years later. And I lost her. That was 1997. I haven’t asked anyone for money since then...
One amazing person wants no part of me. This was a favorite teacher of mine in Junior High. She was the best teacher I have ever had. I never told anyone about this but I hadn’t seen her in years and asked for a lot of money to see a healer that was in town. Again, my health counselor insisted. "Who's the one person that believes in you?" … I don’t see her for years and I am asking her to fund a week long retreat with a healer… First we were just getting together for lunch, and then I felt like I needed to tell her why I wanted to see her, so before our lunch date I called and left a message and told her the real reason. When I didn’t hear back, I tried again and her number was changed to an unlisted number…. This was one of the most encouraging teachers in my life. Even when I was no longer in her class, she came and saw me in the plays I did years later. And I lost her. That was 1997. I haven’t asked anyone for money since then...
EVA'S LOVE
Eva's Love....
by Chris Vartorella on Tuesday, May 3, 2011 at 8:33am
When I was 24, I broke my back and was paralyzed from the waist down. I was deeply depressed.
Then I was able to move my legs a little and made some big improvements in physical therapy. Then a friend wrote Dr. Wayne Dyer because I loved his books and all he wrote about and he came to the hospital to see me and encouraged me to walk again. I was thrilled to meet him, but that was hardly the biggest thrill for me. While in the hospital, I had to learn to use a catheter to urinate. I first had a bag that they had strapped to my leg, but then I was taught to do it on my own. I had broken my right wrist when I broke my back and I was right handed. In the hospital you have to do what they call a sterile technique to cath yourself. So they would set me up with a mirror and a sterile kit to do this in the bed. It took a great deal of patience on and a lot of time. The mirror was so I could see what I was doing. One day, my mother was in the hospital room and I had to cath myself. I took the kit and the mirror and slowly did everything I needed to do without a nurse handy. My mother watched in case I needed help. When I was finally done and she saw the urine go into the receptacle, she said, “You amaze me.” When I got my first car with hand controls, I pulled in her driveway, and when I got in the house, she grabbed me and hugged me for the longest time. She said, “I’m sorry honey, but you looked so beautiful and independent in that car, that I couldn’t help myself.” I moved in with my parents after I broke my back and after dinner, my mother would go upstairs and take her bath and get ready for work the next day. My father was usually at a meeting and my brother was usually gone. I was to clean the kitchen. I would make myself clean and clean it for a given amount of time, like an hour. Even if everything was done, I would keep going. I would stand in another room and look at it and straighten a chair or pick something to do and get it just perfect. She would come down the stairs and see it. The look on her face of gratitude was worth the effort.
Meeting with Wayne Dyer? Thrilling
Regaining the use of my legs?… Spectacular
Making my mother's eyes sparkle? …. Priceless.
Then I was able to move my legs a little and made some big improvements in physical therapy. Then a friend wrote Dr. Wayne Dyer because I loved his books and all he wrote about and he came to the hospital to see me and encouraged me to walk again. I was thrilled to meet him, but that was hardly the biggest thrill for me. While in the hospital, I had to learn to use a catheter to urinate. I first had a bag that they had strapped to my leg, but then I was taught to do it on my own. I had broken my right wrist when I broke my back and I was right handed. In the hospital you have to do what they call a sterile technique to cath yourself. So they would set me up with a mirror and a sterile kit to do this in the bed. It took a great deal of patience on and a lot of time. The mirror was so I could see what I was doing. One day, my mother was in the hospital room and I had to cath myself. I took the kit and the mirror and slowly did everything I needed to do without a nurse handy. My mother watched in case I needed help. When I was finally done and she saw the urine go into the receptacle, she said, “You amaze me.” When I got my first car with hand controls, I pulled in her driveway, and when I got in the house, she grabbed me and hugged me for the longest time. She said, “I’m sorry honey, but you looked so beautiful and independent in that car, that I couldn’t help myself.” I moved in with my parents after I broke my back and after dinner, my mother would go upstairs and take her bath and get ready for work the next day. My father was usually at a meeting and my brother was usually gone. I was to clean the kitchen. I would make myself clean and clean it for a given amount of time, like an hour. Even if everything was done, I would keep going. I would stand in another room and look at it and straighten a chair or pick something to do and get it just perfect. She would come down the stairs and see it. The look on her face of gratitude was worth the effort.
Meeting with Wayne Dyer? Thrilling
Regaining the use of my legs?… Spectacular
Making my mother's eyes sparkle? …. Priceless.
SHORTS
Shorts
by Chris Vartorella on Saturday, May 7, 2011 at 11:16am
My mom loved The Virgin Mary. I think she prayed to her all the time and asked for guidance. In 1988, my father took her to Italy and she saw The Pieta by Michelangelo among other things. She showed me a picture of this amazing statue. She became very emotional telling me how it took her breath away. She told me it was a mother and son thing.
On the one year anniversary of her death, I went to her grave and carved in the stone was the Virgin Mary. I began talking and asking Mary to take care of my mother. I was crying a great deal and telling her what my mother liked. I told her about how my mother loved beautiful houses and antiques. I told her my mother was an amazing cook and loved good food. I went on and on still crying. Then I stopped. A smile came over me. I said that she loved to laugh.. She was my brother's and my best audience. I asked Mary to please bring her laughter like I remembered. My mother would silently laugh and her body would just bounce. Then I remembered something that we laughed about for years. Seventeen years earlier, Steve Allen had a comedy special on. My mother and father and I watched it. One sketch was a news report from Little Italy in New York. The Blessed Mother had been spotted. The news reporter said Theresa Sensadesta was in the kitchen and saw The Virgin Mary sitting on the refrigerator. Theresa said, "Mary, get off the refrigerator, have a cup of coffee." "Well frankly Theresa, I just have two things to say. Don't make a scene at your sister Millie's wedding, and short shorts aren't for everybody."
Sometimes, you just have to laugh....
On the one year anniversary of her death, I went to her grave and carved in the stone was the Virgin Mary. I began talking and asking Mary to take care of my mother. I was crying a great deal and telling her what my mother liked. I told her about how my mother loved beautiful houses and antiques. I told her my mother was an amazing cook and loved good food. I went on and on still crying. Then I stopped. A smile came over me. I said that she loved to laugh.. She was my brother's and my best audience. I asked Mary to please bring her laughter like I remembered. My mother would silently laugh and her body would just bounce. Then I remembered something that we laughed about for years. Seventeen years earlier, Steve Allen had a comedy special on. My mother and father and I watched it. One sketch was a news report from Little Italy in New York. The Blessed Mother had been spotted. The news reporter said Theresa Sensadesta was in the kitchen and saw The Virgin Mary sitting on the refrigerator. Theresa said, "Mary, get off the refrigerator, have a cup of coffee." "Well frankly Theresa, I just have two things to say. Don't make a scene at your sister Millie's wedding, and short shorts aren't for everybody."
Sometimes, you just have to laugh....
THE FAMOUS QUESTION
The Famous Question
by Chris Vartorella on Saturday, May 21, 2011 at 1:08pm
What do you do all day? How do I tell people that I do something and then lay down, because my body hurts so bad and pushing it makes it worse. I guess I just did. I drove to a friend’s house a few weeks ago… She looked at me and asked what was wrong… I said, “Nothing. I straightened up my apt..” I must have looked awful. That was it. I put things away and did some dishes and I went a little too far. And once I reach “that point of no return”, as I like to call it, I have to stop and rest. When it’s very bad, I have to sleep off the pain. Like a hangover. Sometimes it comes with no rhyme or reason. I call that, “my coffee pain.” I wake up, feeling fine..then it starts…. After that cup of herbal tea or a cup of coffee. I have had so much advice on what I need to do, that it is overwhelming.
These are the things that help the pain.
- Shutting my mouth… I don’t know why.. that helps sometimes.
- Just the opposite. Laughing with friends. My friend Barbara is so funny, that she makes the darkest times funny.
- Massage
- Bikram yoga. I do notice something shifts with Bikram… more than other exercises or other yogas. And I have done many.. including years of water therapy and swimming.
- Writing down my feelings… this somehow gets my feelings out and I don't seem to hold them in my body.
- Helping someone else … I forget my stuff sometimes if I just send a kind card to someone or extend a favor to a stranger.
- Sex. Need I say more?
- A good cry… ya… this helps.. If I let myself feel really sorry for me without dumping on anyone, I feel better when it is over.
- Stop bitching about it. I was a good girl for two years after I broke my back and didn’t complain. Then gradually… over the years I complained too much. Then my friends told me to shut up already. I am in between.. I bitch, catch myself, and then shut up.
- Don’t compare yourself to anyone.. It will kill you.
- Don’t explain yourself to anyone. Friends don’t need it and enemies don’t deserve it.
- Find a doctor that “gets you” This took me several years of searching before I found a doctor I liked.
- Finally. Count your blessings.. There is a gift in everything if you take the time to look. Even physical pain. You are more compassionate as a result and you take less for granted. You find out who your real friends are. This might sound like bullshit...and it IS!!!!! WHO THE FUCK WOULD WANT THIS SHIT!!!? WHAT ASSHOLE IN HER RIGHT MIND WOULD SAY, "COUNT YOUR FUCKING BLESSINGS!!!!" WHEN SHE'S TOO EXHAUSTED TO GET OFF THE FUCKING COUCH!!!
Nice.
NEIGHBORS
My neighbor Reggie, does not stop smiling... He is in his fifties and had a stroke, so getting all the words out is very difficult for him. Yet, he does not stop smiling. He smiles with his whole being. Whenever he says hello, it is as if he hasn't seen me in years. Many times it is with arms outstretched to give me a hug. If he knows I haven't left my apartment in a day, he checks on me to make sure I am ok. He brings my mail to me. If he sees me pull in the parking lot, he comes to my car and makes sure if I have anything to carry, that he can help. I always hear him laughing with friends when he opens the outside door to let them in. I used to be annoyed by this. Now it's refreshing. He's friends with one man from the group home down the street. Sammy. They have a special bond. Sammy seems to have some sort of learning disability. Everyone in town knows him. He came over one day and I was just walking out, so I got to see them both....He said to Reggie very slowly, "This is your birthday present." He gave him five dollars. Reggie was so happy and hugged the man for the longest time. You'd of thought he gave Reg 500 dollars. A few summers ago, a lady was working on a garden in between our building and the group home. Then I saw her husband, then her son. I went in the garden when they weren't there and it is lovely. There are a few places to sit and take in all the beauty of the flowers, bushes, and even a sassafras tree. Then I met the lady putting it all together. She is doing this all on her own, with her own money. She said she loves this city and wants to give a little. She is very funny and kind. She told me to come and sit any time. I notice that when the younger people walk by our building, they might throw trash but in this garden, nothing is harmed. Almost like that is off limits. I love how people help others. I love how Reggie doesn't let his disability cramp his smile or his style. I love how Sammy knows everyone in town... and as he walks up and down the streets of Bedford, people honk their horns and say hi. I love how the lady created something beautiful next door to me, without needing recognition. I LOVE my neighbors...
WINDSONG AND NORTH COAST MEN'S CHORUS
WINDSONG AND NORTH COAST MEN'S CHORUS
by Chris Vartorella on Tuesday, June 21, 2011 at 10:28am
So I have had time to think about this…and lots of feedback on the concert we did. Windsong Chorus, the feminist chorus I am in got to sing in the North Coast Men's Chorus concert. Mostly for me, I witnessed compassion and was the recipient of a lot. The NorthCoast Men’s Chorus was so welcoming to us “chicks”. Kathy Sullivan said to them, “You have such a great audience.” , or something like that. And they do. We got to watch them for the first half of the show and I was mesmerized by it all. Someone said to me, “We have to follow that?!” It was beautiful. In the 12 songs they did, they had me laughing and then crying. Bridge Over Troubled Water was beyond with an amazing soloist. The other soloists had great stage presence and great voices. Choreography was wonderful for Lady Gaga’s, “Born This Way.” And that was their ending. So we walk on and immediately there is applause. Because our season is technically over, we didn’t have all our members. Then we do our first song, “Away Ye Merry Lassies”. I love this song but you never know how an audience will respond. A man jumped up and yelled, “Bravo!” and the rest of the crowd cheered. Then we did, “Lambscapes”. It’s a funny piece and the audience got the joke and cheered like crazy. Next is “Sisters”. We sometimes have trouble with this. But I watch our director, Karen Weaver, and enjoy her facial expressions, which gets me through it, not to mention Maureen, next to me. And it is so well received. A man in the audience yells, “Awesome.” And lots of applause. Then our last number. I get emotional with this one. I watch Joanne start and then C.J. joins and Joanne’s expression with C.J. is beautiful, then Kelly comes in. It’s great. So we do it with a drummer..I love it. The audience goes crazy. Whoops and hollers..!!!!! We then sing with the men and it’s wonderful!!!! Then they do more and we come back on. It was nothing short of thrilling for me. I love the men’s director, Richard Cole. He’s what I call, a “peapod”. Just sweet.
Now for the compassion part. I am concerned with the intense rehearsals we were going to have for this, and wondering if my body will hold out. One member, Jan calls and says, “Chrissy, we have to be in Lakewood for rehearsal, then a few hours later, we have to be at Cleveland State to practice with the men." She says to come to her place after the first rehearsal, rest and she’ll feed me and she’ll drive us to Cleveland State. This saves my body a lot.. At Cleveland State, I stand for the men’s songs and my fellow member, Kathy Sullivan lets me hold on to her. Then my body sort of gave out that week. So Friday, I ask my dear friend, Michelle if I can ride with her to rehearsal.. (Driving seems to wear me down.) A resounding “yes” comes in an email. Kat comes up to me and says, “We have a long rehearsal tomorrow and then the show. I suggest you do whatever it takes to get through this.” I do my best . But Kat makes sure I have an arm to hold wherever I go. Out of nowhere Kathy Sullivan rubs my back. On Sunday, we get there early and sit in the lobby waiting to rehearse. Michelle comes up to me and rubs my back. While in rehearsal and the concerts, I sit next to Mo and she gets my crutch for me and makes sure I am settled. When the soloists bow for their solo’s, Karen insists I stand with these great singers, even though my solo was a sheep. A freakin…. sheep. The second concert she grabs me and pushes me in there and they hold me up since my crutch is sitting next to my chair. Throughout the weekend, Michelle checks on me and waits for me in the bathroom or after the show. Backstage, people offer me their chairs, so I can sit and on and on it goes. Kathie Soltis stands next to me and checks to see that I am alright. Once again, I have learned more than just about music from these women. They do whatever it takes to put on a good show and that includes helping their buddy Chris. The encore song was LEAN ON ME.... and I did...
So I have had time to think about this…and lots of feedback on the concert we did. Windsong Chorus, the feminist chorus I am in got to sing in the North Coast Men's Chorus concert. Mostly for me, I witnessed compassion and was the recipient of a lot. The NorthCoast Men’s Chorus was so welcoming to us “chicks”. Kathy Sullivan said to them, “You have such a great audience.” , or something like that. And they do. We got to watch them for the first half of the show and I was mesmerized by it all. Someone said to me, “We have to follow that?!” It was beautiful. In the 12 songs they did, they had me laughing and then crying. Bridge Over Troubled Water was beyond with an amazing soloist. The other soloists had great stage presence and great voices. Choreography was wonderful for Lady Gaga’s, “Born This Way.” And that was their ending. So we walk on and immediately there is applause. Because our season is technically over, we didn’t have all our members. Then we do our first song, “Away Ye Merry Lassies”. I love this song but you never know how an audience will respond. A man jumped up and yelled, “Bravo!” and the rest of the crowd cheered. Then we did, “Lambscapes”. It’s a funny piece and the audience got the joke and cheered like crazy. Next is “Sisters”. We sometimes have trouble with this. But I watch our director, Karen Weaver, and enjoy her facial expressions, which gets me through it, not to mention Maureen, next to me. And it is so well received. A man in the audience yells, “Awesome.” And lots of applause. Then our last number. I get emotional with this one. I watch Joanne start and then C.J. joins and Joanne’s expression with C.J. is beautiful, then Kelly comes in. It’s great. So we do it with a drummer..I love it. The audience goes crazy. Whoops and hollers..!!!!! We then sing with the men and it’s wonderful!!!! Then they do more and we come back on. It was nothing short of thrilling for me. I love the men’s director, Richard Cole. He’s what I call, a “peapod”. Just sweet.
Now for the compassion part. I am concerned with the intense rehearsals we were going to have for this, and wondering if my body will hold out. One member, Jan calls and says, “Chrissy, we have to be in Lakewood for rehearsal, then a few hours later, we have to be at Cleveland State to practice with the men." She says to come to her place after the first rehearsal, rest and she’ll feed me and she’ll drive us to Cleveland State. This saves my body a lot.. At Cleveland State, I stand for the men’s songs and my fellow member, Kathy Sullivan lets me hold on to her. Then my body sort of gave out that week. So Friday, I ask my dear friend, Michelle if I can ride with her to rehearsal.. (Driving seems to wear me down.) A resounding “yes” comes in an email. Kat comes up to me and says, “We have a long rehearsal tomorrow and then the show. I suggest you do whatever it takes to get through this.” I do my best . But Kat makes sure I have an arm to hold wherever I go. Out of nowhere Kathy Sullivan rubs my back. On Sunday, we get there early and sit in the lobby waiting to rehearse. Michelle comes up to me and rubs my back. While in rehearsal and the concerts, I sit next to Mo and she gets my crutch for me and makes sure I am settled. When the soloists bow for their solo’s, Karen insists I stand with these great singers, even though my solo was a sheep. A freakin…. sheep. The second concert she grabs me and pushes me in there and they hold me up since my crutch is sitting next to my chair. Throughout the weekend, Michelle checks on me and waits for me in the bathroom or after the show. Backstage, people offer me their chairs, so I can sit and on and on it goes. Kathie Soltis stands next to me and checks to see that I am alright. Once again, I have learned more than just about music from these women. They do whatever it takes to put on a good show and that includes helping their buddy Chris. The encore song was LEAN ON ME.... and I did...
IS IT ME?
When I lived with a family in Maryland getting extensive acupuncture, the acupuncturist wanted me to stop using my crutch. I was on two crutches and then down to one. It has a handle and wraps around my forearm. I was afraid I would fall if I didn’t use it and the mother in this family said, “Just carry it when you walk and if you think you are about to fall, then use it….” When I needed a car, it was obvious I needed hand controls as I don’t have complete feeling in my feet and they just don’t work. I was in a play with an engineering student and he said that all I needed to do was Velcro my foot to the pedal so it wouldn’t fall off, and then, when I needed to brake, just break loose of the Velcro and put my foot on the brake.................When I was hired to do a voice over 3 hours away, a friend drove me as the pain I endured driving was overwhelming. My neighbor felt this was silly and said next time to drive myself and when the pain got bad to pull off to the side of the road, rest a little, and then drive some more. So, let me get this straight. I am to walk around carrying my crutch, but don't use it, unless I think I'm about to fall... then as I trip or slip, I am to somehow maneuver the crutch I am carrying to break this fall... this is almost impossible to think about because…........I’M FALLING!! The Velcro thing may work, but only if I brake one time each trip. When I drive, ............ and it’s just me, I brake more than once going from point A to point B. Maybe, if I mapped out my trips to the grocery store more effectively, I could find a route where there are no stop signs, lights, people or OTHER CARS Mr. Engineer!!! When I drive ANYWHERE, and I feel that my body is fading, pulling off to the side of the road, doesn’t work. I would have to pull off every half hour and rest for 1 hour… A 3 hour trip would only take me about 9 hours. I figure while I'm at it, why don't I just lay on the ground first before I fall, crash my car into a stop sign because my foot is stuck to the friggin gas pedal and start driving to my next gig now even though I don't have one so I have time to REST ON THE WAY THERE!!!!!
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
DRIVING WITH MY COUSIN
A few days ago, I was driving me and my cousin to dinner… My cousin and I lived in the same building for many years and now we live across the street from one another. We are definitely soul mates. If friends of mine call her by accident, they think it’s me when she answers, because we both sound alike. She knows more about me than anyone. I always tell her that she is a model driver. She has great judgment … she can maneuver her car into just about any space. She is completely calm on the road. I, uhm… I’m a little different. If a leaf blows in front of my car, I am certain I hit a tree. When I see someone coming behind me, I actually duck and think they are about to hit me and of course they never do. I am usually hyper vigilant or just the opposite. When someone else is driving, I always gasp because I am certain we are going to hit something or are too close to the curb.. and I am ALWAYS wrong. While on the freeway with my cousin in the car, I adjusted the air and she said very calmly, “Uh Chris, we are going off the road.” We were. I was almost in a ditch. I jumped out of my skin and brought the car back on track. I tried to stay calm the rest of the trip but I was still very shaken. So…as we are making our way home I say that I talked to Marianne Williamson a few weeks ago and how wonderful she was and my cousin expressed how much she liked her as well. I told her how Marianne’s voice was so soothing. I said how much I am getting out of her latest book. I said how she tells it like it is to people. My cousin talked about how beautiful she was….Then I said, “And she even PRAYED for me on the radio!” There was a long silence and we both said at the same time… “Should of asked her to teach me how to drive.”
FINDING YOUR VOICE
I think it is good to find your voice and I have yet to find mine. So I joined a choir that required no auditions. Could this be what I needed to express myself a little? It takes courage for me to really say what I want or to feel a feeling. I have been afraid of my feelings ever since I can remember. I have a limited vocal range and since I haven’t sung in years, would they be ok with that mature crack when I hit a high note? I sat next to Patty last time who helped me read music again. I couldn’t say thank you when she said that I have a nice voice… instead I said a joke or something. When I got home from our first rehearsal, I felt a little more alive. When I walked out of that first concert I felt good that I was a part of something important. I felt excited that I stood tall singing the song, “I Ain’t Afraid”. I still messed up the words a bit but the importance of it was not lost on me. Music makes us feel things we might have missed in our day to day routine. Maybe that’s why everyone is watching the TV show Glee. Or why American Idol is so popular. We feel something when we hear a great singer and a great song. Music makes me happy and finding my voice makes me happier. People are funny…We act as though we are fine when we are not. When I sing, I can feel any emotion I want and I know it’s okay. So I went to our first rehearsal and we sang “For Good”, from the musical, Wicked. I had to keep it together because the tears were coming. My ex came to mind because we had just broken up the week before I started rehearsals, and then I thought of my mother. But how many people touched my life in 53 years and I was changed “for good”? Too numerous to mention. And when we did our first concert, even though we didn’t sing that song, I thought that my mother would have been proud that I was back up there singing. Not in the musicals she saw me do in high school or college where I was the star or something like that…but in a choir with women working hard to be an ensemble and supporting one another. “I know you like to do comedy Chrissy, but just sing."
IT'S ALL ABOUT ME
A friend I hadn’t seen in a long time came over for dinner about 24 years ago. I was excited to have her. I made pasta with meatballs, sausage, etc., because I knew it was the one dish that I could cook well. I cooked the sauce exactly like my mother did every Sunday when we were growing up.
My friend was very sweet and then decided to talk to me about her job. She expressed for a long time the difficulties and the stress of it all. It sounded like hell. I felt terrible for her but didn’t have anything to say. I just listened. Finally, she said something about how hard life was and she wondered if it was really worth living for. Then she asked if I felt the same and I said “No.” I didn’t feel the same. I told her that I felt life was great and I would just look around me and appreciate all that I had. I know I talked for a while, but I can’t remember what I said. I gave her all of my Wayne Dyer books and tapes and she was very open to them. She looked so different when she left. She looked calmer. She hugged me and left.
A few weeks later she popped in unexpectedly and sat on my floor and began telling me what happened when she left. She took a vacation alone and spent a great deal of time listening to the tapes I gave her and reading the books. She said everything changed for her. She said she would just drive her car around, listening to the tapes. She told me that the way I spoke to her, made her look at things differently. She said she was SOOOOOO happy. Then she said she had seriously thought of taking her own life until she had dinner with me. She was incredibly grateful. When she left I was a little too full of myself until a few weeks later, I told my brother the story and he said, “Boy, that’s some sauce.”
My friend was very sweet and then decided to talk to me about her job. She expressed for a long time the difficulties and the stress of it all. It sounded like hell. I felt terrible for her but didn’t have anything to say. I just listened. Finally, she said something about how hard life was and she wondered if it was really worth living for. Then she asked if I felt the same and I said “No.” I didn’t feel the same. I told her that I felt life was great and I would just look around me and appreciate all that I had. I know I talked for a while, but I can’t remember what I said. I gave her all of my Wayne Dyer books and tapes and she was very open to them. She looked so different when she left. She looked calmer. She hugged me and left.
A few weeks later she popped in unexpectedly and sat on my floor and began telling me what happened when she left. She took a vacation alone and spent a great deal of time listening to the tapes I gave her and reading the books. She said everything changed for her. She said she would just drive her car around, listening to the tapes. She told me that the way I spoke to her, made her look at things differently. She said she was SOOOOOO happy. Then she said she had seriously thought of taking her own life until she had dinner with me. She was incredibly grateful. When she left I was a little too full of myself until a few weeks later, I told my brother the story and he said, “Boy, that’s some sauce.”
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