BREATHE

  I would love to impart something wonderful, but I got nuthin right now.  I had a nice night at rehearsal.  Mostly, because one of my friends lets me sort of hang on to her.  Either I touch her arm or hold her hand.  She somehow knows that I feel safer when I do that.  No other reason.  Then she looks at me and gently says, “Breathe.”  That’s it.  I was so shaken yesterday by what my doctor said that I almost got into a car accident.    So I told my friend and she saw how scared I was, and instead of giving advice, she lets me hold onto her.  Sometimes, we don’t need advice or any kind of reason why something "bad" happens, we just want to be loved. 

SELFISH

    This might sound rough, but my intention is to be incredibly selfish at this time… I have had wonderful support the past two weeks since my recent diagnosis, and it just about takes my breath away.  However, I refuse to pay attention to folks that offer way too much advice or are just plain being a pain. 

    A young woman I have known briefly keeps calling and offering whatever I need.  She wanted to come over for Christmas.  She seems to have some idea that I am all alone. She was worried that I wasn't eating and wanted to bring me ham.. I try not to eat red meat. This is so sweet but I don’t need anything right now, so I told her.  She offered to bring me hats… I was confused for a second, and she said because I would lose my hair.  I explained to her that with radiation, you don’t lose your hair.  I take walks whenever I can and a friend wanted to discuss how I walk in one area of the park where she sees no bike path.    As I began to explain it all, she couldn’t imagine what I was saying, and kept asking me questions…I just didn’t have the energy to debate this, so I told her and we said goodbye.  Another friend tells me bad jokes… this is great… for a minute..then it gets old.  As someone who does the same thing, you’d think I’d be more tolerant, but I'm not…Another friend began telling me the horrors of what might happen in the future and I held the phone away from my ear and asked her to stop.  I don’t need to go into crazy fear at this time.  A cancer diagnosis is scary enough.  There are people I simply don’t want to know what’s going on with me.  Some folks get so depressed about stuff and I just don’t need it… So if I don’t talk to you or want you to come over, it’s not because I have a bad attitude, it’s because I am taking care of myself…

   A friend, who had been through the same thing, shared some wonderful stuff.  She said that everyone at her church saw her healed and whole… and that was it. 

PLEASE SEE MY HEALED AND WHOLE…..

CHRISTMAS

   I have definitely been feeling sorry for myself the last several days.  And I have definitely been allowed to by friends.  One of my old "teachers"used to say, "At the bottom of every emotion is joy."  I have to agree.  I cried bunches recently.  Every time someone would say, "Merry Christmas.", I would cry.  Someone said to me that they hope I get everything I wanted.  I started crying.  What I hope or want is to go back in time 35 years or so.  What I want is that the diagnosis is a mistake.  Who wants cancer for Christmas? 
   So, after I whined and moaned yesterday, mostly to myself... I took myself out to walk.  It was beautiful out...Then some folks called.  My nephew called to tell me about his birthday the day before.  He just turned 16.  He said his birthday was wonderful.  His friends came over and they did a roast.  I guess it was harmless.  Then pizza.  He loved it.  It was/is such a big celebration since a year ago, he had to have brain surgery and we didn't know what the outcome would be.  He told me that he felt everything would be fine with me and that it looked operable, and that I had so much support for it all. Then my friend Dale called from California.  He was so sincere in asking what he could do and said that he loved me so much and was almost crying.  He said he would come and visit in the spring.... Then my friend Barbara called.  She has a friend who's a doctor and they talked at length about me... (me)  Her friend had so much to say about how simple this is ... and I have some other health issues that she talked about.  The doctor had easy nutritional ideas and felt all would be well.  Then, my friend Jan called.  On my voice mail she did some Christmas carol on her kazoo.  Jan has perfect pitch.  When we talked, she asked about all my doctor appointments.  Jan has taken me to every one.  She even sat in the room for the needle biopsy.  She was very fun to talk to. 
  Then I took myself to a candlelight service.  I never went to church on Christmas Eve, but my friend Kathy was singing and directing her choir there, and suggested I come.  It was so sweet.  Nothing dramatic or big.. They kept the place dark and the Reverend spoke quietly.  Brought me to tears... which is redundant, but I got calm.  Kathy sat next to me when she could.  Put her arm around me and held my hand.   It felt like a blanket of love.  
  What has cancer taught me?  Well, so far, that it's ok for me to cry.  And it's ok to receive love.  And that I am blessed beyond anything I could imagine.  As Blanche said in A Streetcar Named Desire, "Sometimes - there's God - so quickly!"
   

GYN

      I know this is black but it did make me laugh... On Tuesday, the GYN called and said, "It looks suspicious of cancer."  Then she said, "It is cancer."  Then she gave me more info regarding a surgeon.   Then she said,  "You have a nice holiday."

THE BIG "C"

    So what I have done is nothing.. Fear overwhelms me so I reach out to friends and family for support… I try and get out and walk as often as possible… but my walks are short and so am I… It's good for my body, and good for my soul.  One person said to take my time and get all options possible… and affirm .. all is well… I have doctors to see, etc.. and second opinions to get … but that’s it…

     What are you benefitting from cancer?  Bernie Siegal asks this question… I can’t think of benefits right now except that I know more deeply how much I am loved.  This was one of the most profound things I heard my mother say as she was dying…She said “I never knew how much I was loved.”  I also see more clearly my irritations and anger… and I don’t like it… I also see in me, a self loathing at times … I don’t think I ever learned how to love myself… I’m not blaming anyone… It’s my job to love me, not anyone else's… and I see how much I like the silence… Once , many years ago…. I stopped talking for a few days… didn’t pick up the phone… I got more and more quiet… and the peace that came after was beautiful…It was very hard for me to do... hard to believe..The other thing is there is still a way to live..even in crazy fear.  I was at the post office and the line was long… One elderly woman walked in and was so concerned about waiting.  She had a cane and said she had arthritis and she didn’t want to wait.  Other people complained there was not enough help.  I didn’t want to get involved in this kind of talk so I asked the woman if she wanted to get in front of me and she did.  Then she shared that she couldn’t do what she wanted… very sad… and then lit up and said, “But I did dance today.”.  I guess at the senior center in the morning, she got up and danced.  As she told me this briefly, she looked different.  She was smiling.  She wished me a Merry Christmas and got her stamps…I wasn’t so scared for me for little bit.  I concentrated on her……Namaste

CHAPTER TWO

    So......... when I said I was looking forward to the next chapter in my life, I didn’t mean more health issues …. Bones thinning… maybe….but most definitely, not cancer!!!! WTF?!!!!  So what have I gained from this?  … …I am glad I get those routine mammograms…. But mostly, where the hell did I get these great friends?  People are taking me to the hospital… others want to be there when I talk with the surgeon… others offer healings, love, prayers… some who have been through it already offer whatever advice I need… I would love to tell you that I am so wonderful, that I get great friends as a result… it’s more like… I learned my lesson… Several years ago, I was told some rough stuff… My one cousin and her boyfriend shared more than once that I have an “edge”.  Not a nice edge…Another cousin shared that I am judgmental… What a bitch!!!!  My brothers have opinions that I refuse to write… so I worked hard at this sarcasm and sharp tongue.  I pretty much keep it under control and do my best not to hurt others…. I do very well for a little while, then it comes out… can’t control myself…I laugh at something NOT to be laughed at… I scoff at a sweet story, or I just get pissy… but it’s less than I used to be…. for example.. there was a surprise birthday party thrown for me at work 7 years ago, and the flier said, “Please say Happy Birthday to one of the nicest, funniest people we know.”  …OK… so they didn’t know me that long…..When my mother died.. one of her coworkers came up to me at the funeral and said, “Your mother taught me kindness.  And that’s what you need to learn, kindness.”  So I hit her…. Anyway, I am not as nice as my mom… and I don’t even try… and I am not as good as I would like to be… but…..I love love love my friends and I am definitely blessed…So... if it's cancer that needs to show me how lucky I am.... so be it...