S......Weet

All I did was affirm what a great day it was…My brother used to tease me about doing affirmations but I wanted to test this affirmation out.  I told myself in the morning that it was going to be a great day.  I kept saying how great the day is... all through the day.... Things like, "Life loves me."  "Only Good Lies Before Me."

     So yesterday, I saw my back doctor.  He is one of the kindest doctors I have ever had.  He did something different in his manipulations and my back was a lot better.  He doesn’t crack it anymore… but moved my legs around and twisted me a lot.  It was great…I felt pretty good after.

  I came home and cleaned up my place a lot.  Still affirming.  I made two important phone calls and then went out with a friend to watch her and some other ladies do an Egyptian Dance that they are performing this week.  She had talked about this “group” a lot.  But she takes class 2 minutes from where I live in a place I would have never imagined.  There is a little industrial area by the railroad tracks and this little place has a studio in the back.  So I watched them and sitting there, I started to feel pretty bad... Alot of back pain.  After they were done rehearsing, my friend told me to lay down on a table they had that massages you.  After figuring out the controls, I turned it on and let it massage me.  It was sheer heaven.  Then they invited me in another room for wine and cheese.  It was positively lovely and unexpected.  They told me to come back and use the massage table again.

All I did was affirm all day how great the day was….

GARDENS

    When I was very young, around 10, I would say all the “things”, I heard adults say.  I think that is normal.  One of the things I would say was, “Well, if you ask me…”, and then I would say whatever.  My father’s response was, “Who asked you?”  Nice.  Then another time, out of nowhere he said, “You don’t seem to understand that nobody asked you.” Although, my father was nasty and rude,  that is the truth… people are not necessarily asking for my opinion all the time.  So I bite my tongue very often and of course I still mess up.  I watched a close friend going down a dark road for several years.  She said such self deprecating words.  It broke my heart.  Finally, I asked something about her eating habits as she is diabetic, and she said in not so many words that it was none of my business.  It wasn’t/isn’t.  Now she is very sick, and it is STILL none of my business.  Cheryl Richardson asked Louise Hay how to be with a friend that may very well be dying, and Louise Hay said, “Love him.” I don’t know what my friend’s life is supposed to be like or why she is here.  My dear friend Michelle said that my friend’s soul knows exactly what it’s doing….In one of Wayne Dyers books he writes, “Cultivate your own garden.”  He goes on to say that we need to do our thing and stay out of everyone else’s garden.  I do my best but this one is hard.  I watched my mother sink into deep sadness with issues around my father.  I remember the last day she stopped over before getting really sick and dying.  She was so pale and it was as if her life had left her.  The sparkle I knew so well had left her eyes.  I asked her if she was ok and she said, “I’m okay honey, I’m just not wearing any lipstick.” I found out more "stuff" had happened with my dad.   People aren’t here to make sure Chris Vartorella gets all her needs met.  They have their own journeys and they are cultivating their gardens as best as they can....... …but if you ask me.... this sucks!

:)

     I had a lovely time the other night…. I was in group therapy and it was our last session for a while.  The facilitator baked chocolate brownies and I brought some chocolate candy.  We all checked in and I found it very interesting to listen about everyone’s experience in the group the last several weeks.  More so than usual.

    Then the facilitator wanted it to be a light meeting to sort of relax and she brought a few things to “dEstress us..” but asked us first what we wanted to do.  She brought “worry stones” that we could decorate and take home… she had a few other crafts for us if we wanted to do them, but there was no pressure.  She put on some ENYA music which a couple of us found annoying.  I actually like ENYA, but this CD was different.  None of us were speaking up about what to do, but one man brought his guitar and asked if he could sing for us.  We all said yes and we turned off ENYA…and he played and sang.  He chose very sweet, soft music.  I caught myself with the biggest grin on my face.  I get so uptight that I think it will take me weeks to calm down.  But it only took a second to get into his singing.  We all did.  He did a few songs and smiled at each one of us.  I saw so much of him as he sang.  We never got to the crafty stuff…. We all applauded and felt very grateful that he shared his gifts with us.  He said he used to sing and play to his children before they went to bed.  I reminded myself to play some soothing music as I drift off to sleep.  When we all said “goodbye”, it seemed like everyone had such gratitude… The whole evening took me by surprise.

     Last year, I was invited to a party with many people I didn’t know.  The host lived on the lake in a beautiful condo.  I enjoyed meeting people and then she said, “Dinner is ready.”  I thought we already had dinner.  Apparently, I was eating appetizers.  She made the most amazing meal and I LOVED every bite.  One of the guests brought homemade chocolate candy.  We then sat out on her deck and watched the water.  I mean the condo is right on the beach.  Then before the sun set, there was the most beautiful rainbow.  The host looked over at me and said, “Ohhh Chris.”  I caught myself again with the biggest smile and she saw me….

   Sometimes, all I need is some soft music, some friends, old and new and a rainbow.   ….. and some chocolate…… and a Dortmunder….
    You'd think I would want this for my loved ones but uhm..... well.....   When my dad was dying, my brother came in from New York to help out a few times.  He would leave his wife who was pregnant, a job and his little boy who was two and he never complained.  When he would go back home, we would talk every day.  One day he said that he and his wife got a babysitter for his son and got to a dinner party at a friends apt.  They sat out in a beautiful garden and had a wonderful meal.  He told me how beautiful the evening was and the leaves were turning.  He told me how lovely his wife looked.  I was absolutely exhausted and was SO jealous that he had a nice time....I was at my dad's apt. and when we hung up, instead of feeling good that he got a much needed evening out, I danced around the apartment and imitated everything he said... like a four year old.... "OOOO , we got to go to our friend's house and have dinner..!!!!"
   IT'S ALL ABOUT ME BABY.....