IF..........

     If I could meet anyone, it would be Ellen.  It would be so much fun.  First she would dance.  Then, she would talk about her Mama.  Then she would take me to one of her homes and then we’d talk with her wife, then we would play with her animals, then we’d have a few drinks and I would go home.  That’s who I would love to meet.   Ellen Lougenis.  She used to work with my mom at Marble Chair Factory in Bedford Ohio.  Anyone know how I could get a hold of her?

Waaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

   I realize I have been through some tough stuff, so a little self pity is expected.  I am indulging, ya… I am..

I understand that I am lucky to have my hip just about healed.

And lucky that the cancer I had was easily taken care of.

And Lucky to have lived in a beautiful home with a great landlord

And Lucky to have so many friends help me out from driving me to physical therapy, to sending me money, to getting my groceries, etc.

     But I am feeling sorry for me.  And I am ok with that.  I think it bites that I had cancer and bites that I fell and broke my hip despite efforts to keep my bones strong with exercise and yoga.  I think it bites that my buddy/landlord Paul died and not only did I lose a dear friend, but I now have to move out of the most beautiful home I have ever lived in.  And it bites that I cannot be in the women’s chorus that not only brought me great joy to perform in, but it brought me a group of friends that I hadn’t banked on.  I can’t be in it because I am afraid to go anywhere until the weather changes, unless someone hangs onto me for dear life. 

     My life turned around when I got cancer.  Suddenly, I didn’t want to chat on the phone so much unless it was from fun people.  I didn’t want to take the same jobs that the Bureau of Vocational Rehab was getting for me like sales jobs and customer service and they helped me make a great voice over demo and lots of help promoting it.  I didn’t want half of the “stuff” I owned, so I got rid of things.  And then I moved.  And I felt so much better.  I loved my place and living with Paul was so easy.  I had my own suite upstairs but a lot of time was spent with him and we became friends.  When my family came to town and saw where I lived, their mouths dropped.  My brother said he was so impressed and asked why did it take me so long to move?  I told him that I was waiting for the right place.  The truth is I was just scared.  Moving seemed so difficult.  The places I looked at were either in a bad neighborhood, or out of my price range, or I had to climb too many stairs to get in and out. 

     My belief is sometimes life kicks us out of relationships, jobs and homes when life is ready and you’re too much of a weenie to leave on your own.  And there is a small part of me that sort of would like to get out.  Try something, “else”. 

PHILLIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

      I am so sad about Phillip Seymour Hoffman.  And I am sad about the statements people are making.  My friend Michael McCarthy wrote, “PSH died of a disease.”  I was glad to see that.  Heroin cannot be easy to just shake off.  Hell, I'm  still working on sugar.  I realize that putting a needle in your arm is not a good move, but I just don’t know what the circumstances were.  My only thought is that you do that because your life isn’t working.  One thing that always strikes me is that fame seems almost like a trauma.  As wonderful as it must be to doing what you love and to be honored for it, there is something very bizarre in our society that we give so much attention to performers and athletes.  Not to mention money.  To me fame is like having children.  Nobody gives you a manual before it happens.  Everybody just wings it.  Michael also wrote, “It's slightly amusing for some people in my line of work to have to fathom the distant, foreign concept that even an Academy award... might not make it all better.” 

      I pretty much loved everything I have seen PSH in.  I loved him in "Boogie Nights".  He was awkward and uncomfortable and perfect in it.   He was as good in small parts as he was in the big ones.  I loved "Capote"and I loved him in "Doubt".  I liked him in "Joey Breaker" as Joey’s assistant.  Joey is a workaholic talent agent in New York.  For some reason, even that small part had me watching him closely and always relating to whatever character he was playing.  Playing them so “human”, for lack of a better word.  I have missed quite a bit of his work lately but will catch up soon. 

       I am sorry for his children and losing their dad.  And frankly, sorry he won’t be performing anymore.