PRE ADMISSION AFFIRMATIONS

   I have whacky friends and it suits me fine.  Yesterday, I had preadmission testing all day at the Cleveland Clinic.  Silently, I kept affirming.."Every hand that touches me is a healing hand."  Barbara and Paul took me.  My friend Barbara has trouble walking because of her bad back, and Paul pushes her in a wheelchair that we get when we arrive at the Clinic. She doesn't complain.  Instead, she stays extremely supportive.  Both her and Paul take notes while the nurse tells me what's going to happen in surgery.  Everything went so smoothly with tests and 3 meetings with a doctor and two nurses.  Then, after all day at the Clinic, they come back here and Paul and I have a couple of beers.  Barbara begins looking at a book I got at the library written by Cheryl Richardson and Louise Hay and she begins laughing.  I love this book.. It's very simple and I think that's what is making her laugh.  It's mostly Cheryl  interviewing Louise about how she lives her life and Louise shares her wisdom. As Barbara reads some of the affirmations, she can't stop laughing, and frankly, neither can I.  I love Louise and I love Cheryl's work and I hope the irreverence with which we giggled about the book was not heard.  One of the affirmations is "I love my closet."  Barbara and Paul are practically in tears with giggles from this.   Louise suggests that when you wake up, you thank your bed for giving you a good night sleep.  "Good Morning Bed."  This throws Barbara into hysterics, barely catching her breath.  This is all going on while my landlord is trying to fix my bathtub.  I don't care.  I love the affirmations.  I love how my friends tease me. For me, the laughter breaks the tension, as I am so scared right now.  This is Barbara's gift.  Her amazing humor.  The day I was diagnosed, she took me to dinner.  I was in tears.  She  said, "I brought you an anti depressant."  It was a large chocolate bar.  My new affirmation.  "I have the most amazing friends."

I WANT SOME WHINE

   I think shame can make us feel so bad about ourselves, that we continue acting in more shameful ways.  And they are usually worse than the original thing we felt shame about.  Several years ago, I hated myself so much, that I just did more things to bring attention to me.   I was in a spiritual group and felt I couldn’t hold a candle to the other people when it came to spirituality.  I don’t know how you measure such things, but I got it in my head that these folks were more together than I was.  I raised the bar so high, that there was no way to live up to it.  I felt more and more alienated by them and thus alienated myself from them.  I did an embarrassing amount of drama and alot of complaining.  At one point they did a little intervention with me.  I did better for a time and then went right back to my spoiled bratty behavior.  Then we disbanded, thank God, and I just stopped the behavior of attention getting.  Well, most of it.  
     Before that time, before I broke my back, I woke up on a Saturday, and I wondered what my life would be like if I didn’t judge myself for a day.  I didn’t tell anyone.  I went grocery shopping with 2 of my friends.  Both had things to talk to each other about and it didn’t involve me.  We walked to the store and back, and they walked in front of me, sort of leaving me out of the picture.  I decided not to feel bad about this and enjoyed the cookies I had just bought myself.  Then we went to the one girl’s apartment.  She gave me a recipe for stuffed pork chops as I was cooking for someone else that evening.   I noticed that it didn’t matter that they left me out of their conversations.. I left and cooked dinner for another friend.  It was a lovely evening.  I was 23 and acted more mature than in my thirties. 

PUT YOUR MONEY WHERE YOUR BREASTS ARE

The Gathering Place...
   I LOVE them... I met with the nutritionist.. She spent alot of time with me and assured me that I  wasn't eating as poorly as I thought.  She gave me easy ideas to have a better diet.  Today, a Reiki master gave me a 40 minute treatment.  I fell asleep and woke up in far less pain...   So far, I have been there 4 times and it's just a bunch of peaceful folk in a beautiful facility to help you if are diagnosed with cancer.  They have a "healing garden".  I haven't sat out there but from what I could see.. yum, yum.    I went to one group last week for breast cancer survivors and tomorrow I am taking yoga there... and it's all FREE.....So, what's with the Komen Foundation?  They are ending their funding at Planned Parenthood for free mammograms and diagnostic testing.  I have had my concerns before about them, but now, with a breast cancer diagnosis, and I see how important mammograms are and ultrasounds, etc.,  I am SO over them.. My money, (when I get extra), will go to The Gathering Place.