KAREN

     I have watched Karen McCrocklin’s TEDxTalks a few times now, because I can’t seem to get enough.  She talks about how being gay is the best thing that ever happened to her.  I keep asking myself if I feel the same way.  I don’t.  Not yet. Why?  Because I refused to come out even to myself until I was about 40 and was watching my mother dying.  My friend Scott McPherson said when his brother was killed in an accident, he decided to come out of the closet.  Scott was around 21 years old at the time.  I am sure it was a difficult decision to come out.  He was smart, incredibly funny and about the cutest guy you ever wanted to meet.  He wrote a famous play, Marvin’s Room, which was made into a movie and then he died very young of AIDS.  I remember my mother asking me if he had a girlfriend when we were in our twenties.  I said, “Scott isn’t going to have a girlfriend.”  My mother flew into a LOUD kind of talk.  “Is he gay?! Well, that poor mother!!!”  I didn’t want to tell my mother that not only did she herself have a son who was gay, but her daughter was possibly gay as well.  The very thought of it scared me.  I thought that if I'm gay, I will have to kill myself.  That’s how scared I was.  Now, my mother was a great lady, but that would have taken her some time to get used to.  A lot of time.  I almost told her before she died, but I couldn’t.  So now after being out for about 16 years, I watch Karen’s talk.  It’s pretty spectacular and I recommend you take a look.  But when I say, I am out, I am not really out.  I worked a job for about 5 years and I told my supervisor, who said not to tell anybody else that worked there.  It would have made things much more difficult on the job I guess.  I was in a relationship with a beautiful lady at the time, and I didn't tell my co-workers.   My friends know.  My family knows.  But I waited and outed myself once I felt safe.  I have played it safe for many years.  I used to listen to Karen’s radio show on Hay House Radio and she would start out the show saying, “It’s a great day to be gay.”  It wasn’t sunshine and pink flowers.  She spoke honestly and with a great deal of humor.  The last thing she says in this video is, “My name is Karen.  And being a lesbian is the best thing that ever happened to me."  I have had the honor of connecting with Karen and when I saw this I told her I wish I'd of had her courage many years ago.  She replied, "You have it now."

My name is Chris and being gay is the best thing that ever happened to me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pj2YxCAnqx0#t=994

FACEBOOK

      So, last night I posted my blog on Facebook and then somehow deleted it.  Not sure how that all happened.  What I wrote was how depressed I was, I received wonderful responses from all of you.  I chatted on line with a dear friend who helped me alot as well.  Sometimes, just saying how lousy I feel makes me feel better, so thank you Kathy Sullivan and EVeryone who responded with incredible kindnesses.  
       I was trying to find the gift in breaking my hip in my last blog and I think it's mostly seeing the kindness so many people have shown me.  That's it.  
       When my father died, several people said, "What are YOU going to do?!!!"  They were not only worried but almost angry with me.  I was working part time and receiving disability and I guess that was not enough. Well, I'm doing it.  I am living my life the best I can like everyone else.  
      What I have been forced to do for a while now is ask for help.  I think that's fine.  Giving someone a chance to help is a beautiful thing.  
      My sadness comes at times when I see others achieve their dreams and realize I have yet to achieve mine.  I have a hard time looking on Facebook and seeing everyone's life.  I have difficulties figuring out if I am just being a wimp about things or genuinely in physical distress.  And that's been my dilemma now for 33 years.  And then Kathy reminded me that we are not our bodies.  I would add that we are not our achievements either.  
       Having said that,  in the last two years since the cancer diagnosis, I have accomplished way more than before.  I got off my ass more.
       So, thank you one and all for your thoughtful words last night.  I was ready to pack it all in and pull the covers over my head until something good happened.  Instead, I told you the truth and you sent love. 

HOME

     I had a lovely father’s day.  Even though my father has been gone for so long, it still was sweet.  My landlord and friend Paul, has three grown boys that live out of town, so his girlfriend Barbara, and I took him out to dinner.  I wanted him to know how much he means to me.  I bought a lovely card and when I took it out of the bag, there was only an envelope and no card.  There was no time to get another one and I didn’t worry about it.  When I went into his office in the afternoon, he had a nice shirt and dress pants on.  I told him how nice he looked and he said, “Well I have a hot date.”  The restaurant was almost empty when we arrived as most folks were sitting outside.  We sat in a corner and the three of us giggled while we ate.  Everything was so quiet. The waiter took great care of us.  I don’t know, sometimes, I just like to relax with others.  It makes life sweeter.  When I was growing up, these special days could be very stressful for one reason or another, but this day was peace.  I think one reason is that Paul was eager to “receive” and let these two women be nice to him.  He has done so much for me that I wanted to express my gratitude.  When I had cancer last year, he drove me to many appointments. I lived about twenty minutes away.  After I moved here, he drove me to my first radiation treatment and then when treatments were done, he and Barbara took me out to celebrate.  It will be a year since I moved.  I took forever to get out of my old place.  I couldn’t find an apartment that would work for me.  I think I was just waiting for this beautiful home with a perfect friend.  Not too long ago, we sang a song in chorus titled, “Home is Where the Heart Is”.  My heart is here.

GRIEF

  I didn’t know I would take things so hard.   But I am.  A very close friend is moving out of Ohio.  Of course I support her in her decision, but I didn’t think I would feel so bad.   With my friend leaving the state, my sadness is that I might not see her again, and that thought is so distressing to me.  I got so much from being with her.  Mostly, her determination to not give up.  No matter what life has thrown her way, she keeps going.  I love it.  I noticed I didn’t feel like such a victim around her.  I realized that there were more options for me and choices I could make that I was missing.   I noticed I asked for a lot more help than I used to.  I would read her blog or we’d have coffee together, and she’d share whatever she was doing with her family or her career and it was always inspiring.  I guess I haven’t met anyone like that in a long time, so not seeing her again tugs at my heart.  When I was diagnosed with cancer, she did all she could to support me, including buying me a couple of massages which I thoroughly enjoyed.  The day I had surgery, she posted my picture on Facebook, asking for prayers. She encouraged my writing and we have the same humor.  So it’s no wonder I feel bad.  I don’t know how to grieve except to simply go through it. 

  I wrote about Debbie Ford’s passing on Facebook.   When I read that she died, I felt as if I had lost another friend.  Debbie did a great deal to help others and wrote many books.  I saw her on Oprah about 12 years ago, then again on OWN talking about her cancer.  I haven’t even read her books, I just feel bad about her.  I listened to her on her radio show on Hay House Radio.  I remember Wayne Dyer asking people to pray for her a few years ago, and then I heard Cheryl Richardson talk about her dear friend, Debbie Ford.  Cheryl spent a few days with her just before Debbie died.  One of the last things she told Cheryl was this.

“Please tell people that they do not cause their own illness – it’s a ridiculous notion that creates so much needless pain.  All illness, including my cancer, is an invitation to love ourselves more,” she insisted.  And then with her signature shadow laugh, she added, “The truth is, in the end, that’s what life is all about anyway – learning to love ourselves more.”

Maybe I could love myself through this grief.

METROPARKS

     I was in the lousiest mood today.  I couldn't shake it.  When I went on my errands, I couldn't find the stores that I wanted and when I got out to get groceries, I dropped my phone and couldn't find it.  Finally I got it off the floor in the car.  When I came out, I saw my "to do list" on the ground in the parking lot.  When I went to pick it up, a lady walked up to me and said, "Let me get that for you."  She was very big and it didn't look so easy to bend down, but she did it with a smile.  I got home and did my laundry and decided to take a walk.  I need it for my body, but also, to clear my head.  As I walked in the park, I saw a man I had seen before and he was with a woman this time.  When he passed me he said, "Ah, she's walking again.  How wonderful to see you walking." I acknowledged him and said, "My support system."  I went pretty far this time and turned around and went back.  A man and woman walked passed me and said hello.  I said, "Oh, I wish I could walk as fast as you are."  They smiled and walked ahead and then started holding hands.  They spoke to one another and I thought, "How precious they are."  The woman turned around and said, "We want you to know that we think you walk beautifully."  I thanked her and she began skipping away.  I think these people were put in my path to keep me from being such a weenie.  The next time you're having a bad day, go take a walk.