THROAT

  I am back from the ENT man.  I started seeing him in August of last year because of persistent cough.  I joined the chorus I am in almost three years ago, and noticed my voice cracked after holding a note for a second and just couldn't hit certain high notes that I used to.  I went to my doctor and he could hear wheezing and thought it was asthma.  He gave me an inhaler, but it did nothing for me.  Then he sent me to the ENT man last year.  The ENT doctor thought after putting a scope up my nose and down my throat that it was probably acid reflux and sent me to a Gastro man.. GAS MAN.  He agreed but did an UPPER GI on me.  All looked good but they put me on heavy duty stomach medication, along with no caffeine or greasy foods, and the coughing stopped.  It comes back from time to time and I take the meds.  However, all that acid and coughing caused a scar on the back of my voice box.  I told the ENT doctor today that it really affects my singing.  He said that it would and I asked if it would heal and he said, "No."  What the @#$%!?  I refuse to buy into this.  I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.  Today, in the parking lot, someone backed into my car.  We looked at my car and it was fine and he drove away.  Upon closer inspection, I realized the bumper has a slight ding.  It's easy to fix a bumper and it's easy to fix my body.. Not just that little scar, but that little cancer they found.. and the little stomach issue I've got, and that little paralysis thing I have... In the words of my favorite Southpark character, Eric T. Cartman, "Screw you guys, I'm going home."

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY

     It’s hard for me to write anything about Father’s Day.  My father is dead and we didn’t have a great relationship.  I’ve gotten to meet many great fathers.  And had so many men that were a father to me at various times.  I had an uncle who was always happy to see me.  As a little girl, he helped me feel so important.  He’d always go, “Hi Hon!” and then he’d grab me and hug me SO hard.  He talked to me a lot about how I was doing and would laugh at all my goofy jokes.  I heard him say to my father when I was in a different room, “If I had a little girl like that, I would be so happy.”  My father said, “She’s great except for her mouth.” One of my friends in high school had the gentlest of fathers.  He spoke with a lisp and was just very sweet. He was always with a smile whenever I saw him.  He talked to my parents about me a lot and how funny I was.  One of the neighborhood dads helped me and his daughter make a putt putt course in their back yard.  They had a beautiful yard with a creek in the back.  Me and my friend somehow made a course for the other kids to play and of course charged a quarter or something.  Her father made the flags to put on each hole with a stick.  It was very cool.  I think the best dad I met was my brother.  Never quite saw anyone as hands on without hovering, than him.  He said to me that his boys are the best people he knows.  I agree.  I only see my two nephews once a year and talk to them long distance.  But they are spectacular people.  And I am totally biased.  The little guy, Harry, is thirteen.  Very bright and very funny.  His teachers all love him.  His big thing now is cooking and baking.  He had to do a project in French class making a video and narrating it in French.  So he video taped himself making banana bread.  He was very concerned about my surgery this year and talked to me a little.  He explained that I would be ok.  He takes ballroom dancing and loves it.  He has to wear a suit.  His mom said she saw the last class and he looked so cute.  Many of the girls are so much taller than he is and he doesn’t care.  The big guy, Leo has been doing remarkably well.  He had brain surgery almost two years ago and did better than they expected.  He is sixteen.  He is very much into his music like my brother was.  He plays guitar at coffee houses with his friend.  He does well in school and got a job when he was 15 busing tables at a restaurant.  He loves sports to the point of obsession and last I heard, he wanted to be a sports announcer.  For a while he was writing for 2 football fantasy websites.  I read his stuff.  He’s quite good although I pay very little attention to sports. 

   I try not to complain about my Dad too much.  He did the best he could with what he had and that wasn’t much.  However, he was a wonderful grandfather.  I understand that that’s how it goes with many people.  They can’t parent well, but they can grandparent extremely well.  He only met my older nephew and died when he was two.  He spent as much time as he could with him.  They played together a lot.  I watched my dad showing him how to hold a golf club and he shared later with me and my mother that he would cut down his clubs so that my nephew could play.  He took him for many walks and he told me he couldn’t get over how beautiful he was. He said, "Not just his looks, there is something so beautiful about him."  I do have gratitude that many fathers picked up the slack for him and helped me along my growing up phase.  I am grateful that my brother had these great boys that I get to be aunt to.  I am grateful I get to watch parents with their children and watch this miracle of growing up happen.  I think they put Father’s Day and Mother’s Day at the end of the school year, because the parents have accomplished as much as the kids.

EASY

  I was very upset this week.  I had started a fire in my kitchen..  I was in the living room, smelled something and checked the stove.  It was not on.  I came back in the living room and before I knew it, smoked poured in.  I thought a neighbor had started a fire. I called  911. They started to chop down a door in the apartment below until the one found out where it was coming from and put it out very fast.  I must have come home with my groceries, put them on the counter and hit the switch to the toaster oven.  A plastic container on top started to melt and then caught fire to the toilet paper I just bought.   My neighbors called my landlord.  He was not happy.  I flew into guilt for this mistake, so I took out a piece of paper, and wrote, "What do I do now?"  I breathed deep and came up with this.

1.  STOP WORRYING
2.  STOP THE GUILT
3.  GET OFF YOUR ASS.

  Sounds pretty simplistic, doesn't it?  Just stop it.  So I did.   The "get off your ass." part...  It is so easy for me to fly so deeply into guilt that my body falls apart.  The pain in my back increases to the point of incredible exhaustion.  So I took myself out to walk... I cleaned up the place trying to get rid of the smoke smell and I broke that pattern of automatic guilt for a second.  It's too easy to feel bad and I just stopped.  If I tell certain friends I did this, I will be made fun of.  So I didn't. 

PARENTS

  I had so much fun this weekend..   I saw my buddy Barbara Friday night. No matter what the situation, Barbara can make me laugh.  Her daughter graduated this year from high school and is heading off to college in the fall. I saw my friends, the Verlezza's on Saturday night.  They took me to dinner and then we went to see a play that their daughter had written.  I couldn't get over the fact that she had written such a good piece, because the last time I saw her, she was about 7 years old.  She has graduated this year from high school and will be off to New York to go to college in the fall.  Their son graduated from Kent State this year and is moving to New York to be a dancer.  He already has wonderful opportunities lined up.   I got to go to a graduation party on Sunday.  I loved going as it was my friend Lona's son.  I don't know him very well at all, but I loved it just the same.  Almost like Lona was graduating. Parents must feel that way when their child finally graduates from high school.  I can't imagine raising a child by myself but Lona managed very well despite her serious health issues. On Saturday afternoon, my friend Angie came over to help me pack up my apartment.  I never knew packing could be so much fun, but Angie wants to have a good time.  I have known her for 34 years and although we have had huge gaps in our time together,  every time I see her, she is very happy. When I had my surgery, she offered to be there and I was so grateful.  I wanted that "attitude" around.  She said something to me that was very funny and very poignant.  I asked her if she saw the movie "Precious".  She hadn't and had no interest. She said a friend told her she should see it.  She told her friend she didn't want to see  anything so depressing.  Her friend said, "But the lead character overcomes so much."  And Angie said, "And I'm happy for her."  Angie explained that she didn't need movies or anything to make her worry or feel sad.   She said her son was fighting in the war and that was enough to keep her up at night. She has three beautiful boys and one graduated from college this past month.  He is a wonderful artist and she is very proud of all her sons. 
  All I thought about this weekend was ... ME... but I was still so impressed and moved by these mother's and father's that raise these kids and sweat blood sometimes.  After all is said and done, they come out with gratitude and pride over their children and their accomplishments.  Of course.  Why wouldn't they?   I couldn't help feeling a little bit honored that I got to share in the end result. 

JOYCE AND CAROLYN

  I love getting my haircut.. Something funny is usually said by someone … Either the beauticians or their clients… My cousin Joyce used to cut my hair at her house along with a bunch of women on Friday nights.  They were all friends of hers and she cut hair in her basement.  One woman was talking about her back being in bad shape.  She said she took a bunch of aspirin.  It was a ridiculous amount.  Every woman in the room gasped and told her how bad that was for her.  She yelled, “When you’re in that much pain, you’ll do anything!!!  If I thought sitting in a bucket of shit would help, I would do it!”

    When Joyce worked at a beauty parlor, she would charge me very little.  The first time it happened I said, “Oh my God, that’s so cheap, is that ok?”  She turned to see if anyone was looking and then she said, “Fuck her.”  “Her” was the boss.   One time she was cutting my hair at her house, and a friend of hers was talking.  It was just the three of us.

“Joyce.  Mary got her hair cut.” 

“Oh really?” 

“Guess how she got it cut.”  There was long pause.  A wedge.” 

“A what?” 

“A wedge.  You’re her God Joyce.”

Apparently, Mary got her hair cut the way Joyce did.  And I guess it was a scandal.

  Yesterday, I got my hair cut down the street.  It reminds me of the beauty parlor in Steele Magnolias.  It’s very small.  I have known two women that have worked there since I was a teenager.  My brother used to work with them.  Carolyn has always helped other people out ever since I can remember knowing her.  When a local firefighter was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease and Carolyn had her own shop, she took all the money that the shop made in one day, and donated it to help pay his medical bills.  Yesterday, she was talking about a nonprofit organization that she and her friends started called “The Swine Sisters.”   She said they call themselves that because when they were vacationing in a log home and one couldn’t stop eating, they called her a swine.  When they got home, she found out she was pregnant and was eating for two.  She said that they raise funds to help people in the community who need it.  One single mom had adopted some children and suddenly lost her job, so they raised money to help her out.  They have done other things like help people with medical bills, etc.  She said before and after every meeting, they snort like pigs.  The Swine Sisters.