MICHELLE

     I had an amazing evening.  I had the honor of being in the audience as my friend Michelle gave a reading from her book, "Daughter of the Drunk at the Bar".   Michelle did a beautiful job.  She was upfront and told us that this is her first reading. Then she took a deep breath and did it.  It was great. I've only known Michelle a couple of years from the chorus I am in, and she never ceases to amaze me. She has expressed many times when she was afraid to do something, step out of the box, and then she does it.  She was concerned about doing a solo in our chorus, and then she did it.  She held a private concert at her home this past summer, and told a few of us that she was worried no one would come so some friends gave her suggestions on how to advertise a little bit, and she did, and it was lovely.  About 6 weeks ago, I had dinner with her and another friend.   Michelle told us that she just asked this bookstore if she could give a reading from her new book, and they said yes.  She said to us that she was concerned no one would come and that she was nervous about doing it.  But, several of us came from our chorus to honor her and because everyone loves the book.  And, we love Michelle. 

AND A CHILD SHALL LEAD THEM

   I watched Oprah Winfrey's, "The Big Give" a few years ago.  I loved it.  The contestants were sent all over the country to help others who had a serious  "need"..  and were to help out in some way and the contestants came up with creative ways of doing this.  One of the last episodes, they sent the last 3 contestants to their hometowns and gave them some money and said to find someone, or many to give it to.  The young man, Cameron was about 22 years old and in his home town a young girl, about 13 years old, was diagnosed with cancer.  She was treated and it was gone, but then it was back.  The family had exhausted all their finances, and was about to go on assistance.  Cameron got the community together to help.  It was amazing. Within a matter of days, they fixed up their home and got new furniture.  One organization paid their rent for the rest of the year, however long that was.  They got a car dealer to donate a brand new car that the family desperately needed. The money Cameron was given to help was not used, so he gave them the 10,000 dollars.  Cameron set this girl up with a website and a blog and said that he  thought others would benefit from hearing her story.  What I loved about this, was this girl.  So inspiring.  She said something like, "I beat cancer once, I can do it again."  She sure wasn't complaining. The cancer was in her legs and she had trouble climbing stairs.  She told her father that she wanted a pink wheelchair if she had to be in one.   I believe when I was her age, I was whining because a boy I had a crush on didn't feel the same about me...I think I was 13.... or it was last Saturday....Yes, I can learn alot from her...

TAKE TWO

       Second biopsy ... finished... I had a pretty peaceful day.  Friends took me to this one.  The doctor and nurse were spectacular.  Calm.  "Every hand that touches me is a healing hand."  And they were.  When the nurse would speak to me, she had such reassurance in her tone.  The doctor, I met before and she is very funny.  She said that she is always checking herself to see if she has a lump or something and has other radiologists ultrasound her.  She said once her coworker asked for an ultra sound.  She said before she proceeded, she introduced herself to the coworker that knew her well as if she was a new patient. Then she said, " In order for my patients to feel comfortable here, I take off my clothes."... and I guess she did.  My kind of girl.

SHUT UP

      Ok.. so if I say after the biopsy, they found cancer in the left breast and then some other stuff and getting a second biopsy, why would someone say, "Why are you getting radiation, if it's benign?"  Why would a person ask you if the doctors know you were on hormones when all doctor's do is ask what medications you are on...?  Do they think I lie about my medications?  How would that serve me?  Why would someone say, "It's in your family, so you can't be surprised."  How could someone be so insensitive?...Why is it when I say the second biopsy is Friday do they say, "When's the surgery?"  See, we are trying to figure out after all tests what we're dealing with... if it's just one spot, we know what to do, if it's more, we will deal with that...
  This brings me back to when I broke my back,  people said some ignorant stuff.  One guy I knew said he had surgery on his nose, and there was a small spot where he lost the feeling and it was the same with me...uhm.. it wasn't/isn't.  I almost severed my spinal cord... I didn't have a frigging deviated septum.    A co-worker came to visit when I was in the hospital and told me I just shouldn't be laying around.  This was the dumbest statement.  My days were spent in physical therapy learning to walk again and my nights were spent reading.  He caught me reading... How could I be so lazy...
  People....Give me some credit.

NEXT STEP

    I love second opinions now.  You just never know.  The Cleveland Clinic is run like a well oiled machine.  I am quoting my friend Lona, but I have to agree.  They were so together with all doctors checking the biopsy, and all previous tests.  I guess I could have done this alone, but I sure didn’t want to.  Accompanying me were two friends.  Lona, who has been through this already and Jan.  Jan took me to the very first of it all.  The biopsy.  She wrote me and said she was happy to take me in case I needed any “immoral” support.  When I got the results of the biopsy, Lona and I had dinner and she went over everything.  You’d think she was a doctor, knowing so much.   Jan took me to meet the first surgeon.  She called right before she left her home and said, “We’re just getting some information today, that’s all.”  This is a perfect thing to say to me.  Lona took off work and met us there. She gave me all the information I needed.  I really can’t absorb it all.  It’s too much and all I am thinking about is healing and when’s this stuff over with?  So Jan picked me up on Thursday, took me to the Cleveland Clinic and Lona met us there.  After paper work, they have you change and sit in a room with a few other people and Lona and Jan came and began crocheting and knitting.  They looked so cute and when I came out in my gown, they both commented on the style, making me giggle.  Then after my mammogram, they sent us to another waiting room. It was set up like a nice living room.  Jan and Lona were joking, and it was soothing and nice.  Jan was making purple socks for herself.  Lona was making an afghan, I think.  They enjoy each other’s company a lot. Then I had an ultrasound.  The doctor tells me what she sees.  Then you go into another room and you speak with all doctors and the surgeon.  Looks like there might more issues than we thought.  I will be getting another biopsy on both breasts this week.  Both Jan and Lona asked questions that I was too tired to ask.  Jan had to leave early.  Lona stayed and it was a full day.  We then had dinner and she took me home.  We both went over all that the doctors said. 

   I have to tell you, the two of them are amazing.  Not only do they keep me calm, they seem to stay positive, although I am not fond of that word. I notice they don’t have energy for gossip.  Me likey.  Lona is so wise in dealing with me.  Her favorite saying is, “One step at a time.” For some reason, this is exactly what I need to hear.

GRATEFUL FOR THE BIG C....

I am grateful for this diagnosis, because it forces me to ask for what I want.  
I am grateful for this diagnosis, because it pushed along a friend and I to forgive one another.
I am grateful for this diagnosis, because I am more mindful of others and their experience on this planet. 
I am grateful because I pay attention to the little things more.  I had tea with a friend last night and it was lovely.
I am grateful for this diagnosis, because I have found more love from others than I ever expected.

IF THIS WERE MY LAST HOUR

If this were my last hour on earth, would I be happy with how I spent my time today, this week, or this year?
Would I feel good about the priorities I've focused on right now at this point in my life?
Do I feel complete and at peace with the people that matter most in my life?

  Cheryl Richardson asks these questions of herself when life gets to be too much.  So yesterday, I was very depressed and asked myself these questions. 
  Yes, I would feel good about how I spent most of my time.  My memories of 2011 were alot of new friends and new ways of looking at the world. I have been told forever that I never ask for what I want or for help.  Well, I am now.  I let my friends lift me up.  I have no problem with that.  And yes, my priorities are loud and clear.  Take care of my health... Not too hard.  And yes I feel complete and at peace with the people that matter most to me.  They just aren't the people I thought they would be, and that's fine.

MY LIST

  After much thought this morning I wrote on a piece of paper,
What are the three things I can do to heal my body?  I got quiet and this is what came to me.


   1.  Keep the toxic people out of your life

   2.  Forgive

   3.  Be Selfish

PLEASE FORGIVE..

    When did all this crazy stuff start?  If my mammary serves me, this is how it went…December 13^th was the diagnosis… then the 20^th, I saw the first surgeon.. then she ordered a bone scan and a cat scan… had both of those on the 23^rd and the 30^th.. both look good thus far.  Then I had a second opinion appointment scheduled for yesterday and today and cancelled because I got the stomach flu.  Making new appointments with them…Saw an endocrinologist for some other issues… Having an MRI on Friday because they can’t see much as the breast tissue is so dense… on the OTHER side.  Met with the doctor that will do my radiation treatments if I go with the first surgeon last week.  Talked to “The Gathering Place”… told 400 of my closest friends, have people lined up to help to take me to radiation treatments… exercising more…although this stomach flu knocked me down..and I basically need a break… I have been blessed with emails from Cheryl Richardson.. a wonderful writer and life coach.. she is so kind and encouraging.  She gives good advice like good affirmations… but, I don’t want to do the friggin affirmations right now. Or listen to some guided meditation tapes… I want to drink beer… and play… that’s all…What’s the point in healing if you can’t live?!  Don’t worry.  I am not slurping alcohol, or eating bad food.  Cheryl is in Australia right now getting ready to do a seminar with Dr. Wayne Dyer.  She knows he knows me and is giving him my regards.. I am lucky these folks connect with me so much… Wayne encouraged me to walk again when I didn’t think I would… that was 31 years ago… If you’re thinking how blessed I am.. you are right.  What I learned in the last 3 weeks, is to get off my butt and get stuff done… “Enjoy every sandwich., as Warren Zevon said, and have gratitude for Everything….

   So this is temporary.. this little setback.  This little pity party, bad attitude, will end….Tomorrow, I will be ready to go…..affirming, positive… ready to rock.. but until then, here is my affirmation for today…

BITE ME.

    

TAKE, IF YOU CAN

   So I ain’t up to phone calls but I get a lot and then I am glad I get them and then I chat a lot.. Then I ain’t up to emails but then I get them and then I am glad.  I ain’t up to platitudes but then someone writes something sweet and then I am glad… then I get some offers of all kinds of help and I think, “how silly”, and then I take people up on them… uhm… a tad whacky most definitely…

   People are doing all they can to help, show concern, and genuinely be friends… I just want to be open and accept it…