OH, SHMENGY

     I try to promote my friend’s stuff if I like it or if I haven’t tried it, but I LOVE my friends and think they got the goods, I promote it.  I love my friend Michelle O’Neil’s blog.  She writes so well.  Very simple and very often brings a tear as it shows her profound love of life and her family.  So I dig it. And I post it.   I am feeling a tad “guilty” promoting my friend Melissa’s holiday e-cards because I rarely do Christmas cards.  I don’t know why.  The ones I receive are lovely and I am grateful.    My friend Dina sends me a Christmas card every year, and teases me for not sending her one.  She almost always sends pictures of her children.  She also has a gift for picking out some great cards.  One time I got a card from her with a picture of people at a Christmas party.  They all had fruit on their head.  I opened it up and it said, “Have a Carmen Miranda Christmas!” I laughed immediately.  But then, Dina has a gift for picking out the right cards for every occasion.   Her husband has commented that I seem to like slapstick humor.  He said we were at a Gallagher Concert, (you remember him, right?) and I laughed when I saw an audience member going up an aisle and falling.  Nice.  I have no recollection of this.  They have both shared how much they hate the Three Stooges and beating each other up.  I told them that although I didn’t like the “beatings”, there were some classic “Three Stooges Bits” that I loved. So on one of my birthdays, Dina sent me a card with the Three Stooges on it that said, “Happy Birthday!”  Then when you open it, it says, “Eat. Drink. And Beat Larry.”   

     They used to have a party every summer.  I looked forward to Dina’s invitations every year.  One year, it had a dollar bill Xeroxed with their 2 year old son, Dan’s picture on it.  It said, “In Dan We Trust”.  One year in the early 90's, she sent the invite and on the front it told you when and where and what to bring.  When you opened it, there was a picture of Rush Limbaugh and she said, “And maybe you can tell us why THIS man has a bestselling book and his own radio show! 

  My brother Rick never met her.  Her last name is Shimandle and he referred to her as “Dina Shimagle”.  Later we changed it to Shmengy and it stuck.  Whenever she makes a comment on my Facebook page that strikes any emotion in me, be it anger or laughter, I respond with, "OH SHMENGY!"

PAUL

     I had an interesting holiday.  One of my friends invited me over for dinner, and I was excited.  I only had to bring beer which was simple enough.  On Wed. I had Tai Chi and the teacher worked with me on getting out of a chair without using my hands for support.  This was big for me and I was happy for the new instruction.  She did lots of work with us and since there was only a few people, she gave us all special attention.  After class, I went grocery shopping and left the beer in my car, knowing it would stay cold.  I decided to pay bills including my amazing landlord/housemate Paul, even though I was early.  Basically, when I get a check, I pay my bills as fast as I can, so I don't spend it.  I unpacked a few things in my office and went to bed.  Yesterday, I woke up counting my blessings.  I put on my braces and shoes and went downstairs and made decaf for me.  After it was made, I turned and fell ... HARD on my left hip.  When I was learning to walk again, I fell alot and my mother said it was a wonder I didn't get brain damage.  I usually can do it without hurting myself but this time I couldn't stand and I waited and massaged my leg for a while.  I finally got up and went into the living room, sat down and screamed in pain.  I heard something crunch and got so scared.  I couldn't get off the couch.  Paul was out and my phone was upstairs.  After, what seemed like forever, I sat on the stairs and pushed myself up to the top.  I got my phone and called him.  He said he'd be home in five minutes.  I somehow dressed myself and washed up.  Every move was screaming pain.  I kept remembering what the Tai Chi teacher said about a friend who was very ill.  He said every day he gets better.  Paul took me to the Emergency Room.  After they got X-rays, they took an EKG and blood work to admit me.  Here's why I am grateful.  NOTHING was broken.  Just a bad contusion on the hip.  The doctor sent me home. They said to just stay off it.  I am.  It is so much better today and I am resting, and cancelled appointments.  This is my Thanksgiving gift.  I am ok and I have a beautiful landlord....

I LIED

     I have lied about so much in my life.  It would take forever to recall all of it.  I just have not been very authentic at times.  I think had I admitted to myself at an early age that I was a homosexual, I would have saved myself and others alot of pain.  Even if I stayed in the closet, that would have been more "real" than the way I was behaving.  "Chris, are you gay?"  I heard that from some people.  "NO!", I would say emphatically.  When I lived with a family in Maryland, they kept trying to set me up with men.  They thought I had issues because of my disability.  "Chris, YOU have a problem dealing with the fact that you wear braces on your legs.  And you have a problem accepting the fact that you use a catheter.  And you have a sexual problem.  You have hardly been with any men."  I was 29.  She was right about the sexual problem, but I sure wasn't going to tell her what it was.
    When I was in my first acting class in college, I did a scene from Lillian Hellman's, "The Children's Hour".  I couldn't pull it off.  In this scene, I had to confess that I was in love with another woman.  The teacher ripped up my ever so bad performance.  He imitated how I walked and I sort of shuffled along.  This was before I had broken my back, so I had no disability.  He said, "I am sorry, but you need to wear a skirt the next time you do this."  Then one classmate commented on how butch I was.  I couldn't handle it and fell into a depression.  I began wearing more makeup.  I thought I was damaged in some way.  How could I possibly be an actress if I was butch?  That was spring and I was confused and angry and I came home for the summer.  I dated one man and didn't care for him, but my parents sort of pushed him onto me.  Sometimes when my father was supposed to pick me up from work, this young man would be there instead.  He must have gone to my parents, told them he would get me, and they would let him.  After that summer, I went back to school and never heard from him again.  When I was 31, I dated a man that my friends introduced me to.  I tried to get into it, but I was bored shitless.  When I told my friend, she said, "Chris, I get bored with my husband sometimes, that's just how it goes."  "On the first date?!  On all the ones after that?"  After 3 months I bailed.  I felt like I was released from prison.  I didn't realize how gay I was until I met Susan.  I just fell in love.  I was about 45 years old.  We have since split, but it was the real thing.  It was so freeing once when the car salesman who knew my family asked me why I never got married and I said, "Because I'm gay."