I LOVE MYSELF

      What’s with me and holidays?  Thanksgiving I was in the Emergency Room after a nasty fall at home.  And Christmas I got the stomach flu.  Christmas Eve I spent with my friends and gave them their gifts.  I gave Barbara earrings.  Those dangling kind.  She loves those.  And I got Landlord Paul a sweater which by the grace of God fit him very well.  He looked quite dapper in it, I must say. 

     My real Christmas gift was this blog I came upon.  See below.  A writer called in to Cheryl Richardson's show.  She talked about his "little" book and how wonderful it was.  So, I looked him up in between bouts of nausea and found this.

          http://www.jamesaltucher.com/2012/05/love-yourself-as-if-your-life-depended-on-it/

     He writes about a friend who was so sick for so long and then began saying over and over, “I love myself.” He healed himself.  Then he wrote a book titled "Love Yourself Like Your Life Depended On It."  Now I know that loving ourselves is the most powerful thing we can do, but I don’t always do it.  So while laying in bed on Christmas, I began saying the mantra, “I love myself.” over and over.  I felt better immediately.  I got up, straightened up my bedroom, and played with the dog.  I ate something, and kept it down.  Paul came home later that night, and all was well.  Yesterday, I was still wobbly, but I am 100% today. 

     Check out this book and the picture of this writer, Kamal Ravikant.  He is gorgeous! 

                                                I LOVE MYSELF

THE TWO BABS

     I had a wonderful weekend.  I got to see my friend Barbara Verlezza and have brunch with her.  Of course I make her pay. That’s how I roll.  I love seeing her.  She is so funny and so smart.  When I was in Dancing Wheels and her husband Sabatino was the ArtisticDirector/Choreographer, she was very concerned about my well being and knew my body wasn’t handling the rigorous routine that we had.  Barbara was the Associate Artistic Director and sometimes the voice of reason when it came to my physical limitations.  I only stayed a year in the company and when she saw me a few weeks later she was glad I gained a little weight.  I had no idea I had dropped any, but she knew and was worried.  She could always make me laugh.  The last concert I was in was done at Playhouse Square.  I rolled my wheelchair up to the wings for one of the dances and hit a weight holding down something.  It was no big deal.  The stage hands fixed it quickly and Barbara said, “Now the whole show is ruined.”  Of course this makes me laugh right before I go on.  After brunch she came over and saw my new home.  She was so happy for me and really liked the house.  She and Sabatino are always very generous with me.  When they first heard I had cancer, they took me out to dinner.  I loved the rice pudding at the restaurant we were at, so she made sure she bought an extra one for me to take home.  She is definitely a gem.

     I saw my other friend Barbara that afternoon.  She fell in her home a week earlier and broke her back, her wrist and a couple of ribs.  Surgery on the wrist tomorrow.  I stayed overnight making sure she was ok.  I am so taken aback at her ability to keep her sense of humor.  Even when we took her to the emergency room she was making jokes.  In order to set her wrist, they did a local anesthesia and putting that needle in her bones was just awful.  She still made me laugh while the doctor was doing it.  She just kept saying “Ow.”  Now she refers to him as Dr. Mengele.  I told her how the "other" Barbara loved my new home and she said, “What, do your friends live in shacks?”  She said, “Every person that comes and sees your new place says, “Oh my God, it’s better than the Taj Mahal, it’s better than Buckingham Palace.”  They never say that of course.  I tried to explain to her that this is so wonderful compared to my last place.  Last night I stayed over again and she is much better.  She even did a load of laundry.  She was on the floor folding her clothes and she said, “Look at me.”  It's very encouraging.  She also just gives and gives to me.  One day I was staying over and the UPS man came.  I had to let him in, Barbara couldn't move.  It was a microwave.  Barbara said, "Merry Christmas."  She's been wanting me to get one since I moved.

     Barbara and Barbara haven't met, but I know they would get a kick out of each other.

 

OH, SHMENGY

     I try to promote my friend’s stuff if I like it or if I haven’t tried it, but I LOVE my friends and think they got the goods, I promote it.  I love my friend Michelle O’Neil’s blog.  She writes so well.  Very simple and very often brings a tear as it shows her profound love of life and her family.  So I dig it. And I post it.   I am feeling a tad “guilty” promoting my friend Melissa’s holiday e-cards because I rarely do Christmas cards.  I don’t know why.  The ones I receive are lovely and I am grateful.    My friend Dina sends me a Christmas card every year, and teases me for not sending her one.  She almost always sends pictures of her children.  She also has a gift for picking out some great cards.  One time I got a card from her with a picture of people at a Christmas party.  They all had fruit on their head.  I opened it up and it said, “Have a Carmen Miranda Christmas!” I laughed immediately.  But then, Dina has a gift for picking out the right cards for every occasion.   Her husband has commented that I seem to like slapstick humor.  He said we were at a Gallagher Concert, (you remember him, right?) and I laughed when I saw an audience member going up an aisle and falling.  Nice.  I have no recollection of this.  They have both shared how much they hate the Three Stooges and beating each other up.  I told them that although I didn’t like the “beatings”, there were some classic “Three Stooges Bits” that I loved. So on one of my birthdays, Dina sent me a card with the Three Stooges on it that said, “Happy Birthday!”  Then when you open it, it says, “Eat. Drink. And Beat Larry.”   

     They used to have a party every summer.  I looked forward to Dina’s invitations every year.  One year, it had a dollar bill Xeroxed with their 2 year old son, Dan’s picture on it.  It said, “In Dan We Trust”.  One year in the early 90's, she sent the invite and on the front it told you when and where and what to bring.  When you opened it, there was a picture of Rush Limbaugh and she said, “And maybe you can tell us why THIS man has a bestselling book and his own radio show! 

  My brother Rick never met her.  Her last name is Shimandle and he referred to her as “Dina Shimagle”.  Later we changed it to Shmengy and it stuck.  Whenever she makes a comment on my Facebook page that strikes any emotion in me, be it anger or laughter, I respond with, "OH SHMENGY!"

PAUL

     I had an interesting holiday.  One of my friends invited me over for dinner, and I was excited.  I only had to bring beer which was simple enough.  On Wed. I had Tai Chi and the teacher worked with me on getting out of a chair without using my hands for support.  This was big for me and I was happy for the new instruction.  She did lots of work with us and since there was only a few people, she gave us all special attention.  After class, I went grocery shopping and left the beer in my car, knowing it would stay cold.  I decided to pay bills including my amazing landlord/housemate Paul, even though I was early.  Basically, when I get a check, I pay my bills as fast as I can, so I don't spend it.  I unpacked a few things in my office and went to bed.  Yesterday, I woke up counting my blessings.  I put on my braces and shoes and went downstairs and made decaf for me.  After it was made, I turned and fell ... HARD on my left hip.  When I was learning to walk again, I fell alot and my mother said it was a wonder I didn't get brain damage.  I usually can do it without hurting myself but this time I couldn't stand and I waited and massaged my leg for a while.  I finally got up and went into the living room, sat down and screamed in pain.  I heard something crunch and got so scared.  I couldn't get off the couch.  Paul was out and my phone was upstairs.  After, what seemed like forever, I sat on the stairs and pushed myself up to the top.  I got my phone and called him.  He said he'd be home in five minutes.  I somehow dressed myself and washed up.  Every move was screaming pain.  I kept remembering what the Tai Chi teacher said about a friend who was very ill.  He said every day he gets better.  Paul took me to the Emergency Room.  After they got X-rays, they took an EKG and blood work to admit me.  Here's why I am grateful.  NOTHING was broken.  Just a bad contusion on the hip.  The doctor sent me home. They said to just stay off it.  I am.  It is so much better today and I am resting, and cancelled appointments.  This is my Thanksgiving gift.  I am ok and I have a beautiful landlord....

I LIED

     I have lied about so much in my life.  It would take forever to recall all of it.  I just have not been very authentic at times.  I think had I admitted to myself at an early age that I was a homosexual, I would have saved myself and others alot of pain.  Even if I stayed in the closet, that would have been more "real" than the way I was behaving.  "Chris, are you gay?"  I heard that from some people.  "NO!", I would say emphatically.  When I lived with a family in Maryland, they kept trying to set me up with men.  They thought I had issues because of my disability.  "Chris, YOU have a problem dealing with the fact that you wear braces on your legs.  And you have a problem accepting the fact that you use a catheter.  And you have a sexual problem.  You have hardly been with any men."  I was 29.  She was right about the sexual problem, but I sure wasn't going to tell her what it was.
    When I was in my first acting class in college, I did a scene from Lillian Hellman's, "The Children's Hour".  I couldn't pull it off.  In this scene, I had to confess that I was in love with another woman.  The teacher ripped up my ever so bad performance.  He imitated how I walked and I sort of shuffled along.  This was before I had broken my back, so I had no disability.  He said, "I am sorry, but you need to wear a skirt the next time you do this."  Then one classmate commented on how butch I was.  I couldn't handle it and fell into a depression.  I began wearing more makeup.  I thought I was damaged in some way.  How could I possibly be an actress if I was butch?  That was spring and I was confused and angry and I came home for the summer.  I dated one man and didn't care for him, but my parents sort of pushed him onto me.  Sometimes when my father was supposed to pick me up from work, this young man would be there instead.  He must have gone to my parents, told them he would get me, and they would let him.  After that summer, I went back to school and never heard from him again.  When I was 31, I dated a man that my friends introduced me to.  I tried to get into it, but I was bored shitless.  When I told my friend, she said, "Chris, I get bored with my husband sometimes, that's just how it goes."  "On the first date?!  On all the ones after that?"  After 3 months I bailed.  I felt like I was released from prison.  I didn't realize how gay I was until I met Susan.  I just fell in love.  I was about 45 years old.  We have since split, but it was the real thing.  It was so freeing once when the car salesman who knew my family asked me why I never got married and I said, "Because I'm gay."

CHRISTMAS IN OCTOBER!

     I just received new forearm crutches today.  Black and silver and shiny and beautiful.  One to keep in the car, and one for everything.  Last week molds were made of my legs for new braces.  The woman who worked on me put me in a chair that she raises very high to measure and wrap my legs in some sort of mold.  She noticed how one of my old braces was pushing my leg inward causing problems with my knee, so she is making an adjustment when she makes the new braces. She took her time and asked me a lot of questions.  I saw that they had a poster for children with braces like mine.  They had them not only in colors, but with different designs.  I loved it.  She asked why I wore the same brace on my left leg  for 26 years.  There is a big crack on the back of it.  I explained that it was just more comfortable than the newer ones.  She made note of that.  She is also putting pads in them, where there is tenderness. A dear friend called a few weeks ago and said it’s a little sad that I’m excited about new braces and crutches.  She may have meant that the time it takes to get the doctor’s approval, getting insurance to pay for it, and having to justify it all is ridiculous.  Or she may have meant that it's unfortunate that a I need them at all.  I have only had four pairs of braces in 32 years. When I was first learning to walk, I could barely move my legs and couldn’t feel the floor beneath me.  One doctor came to my hospital room, did a quick check and said that since I only got a small return of the muscles in the last several weeks, that I probably wouldn’t be walking very much again.  However, for the few steps that I could take he prescribed long legged metal braces to my waist with a waistband, and of course two crutches.  He said that way, when I do walk, I won’t substitute any muscles.  “Substitution”.  That’s a big word in physical therapy.  That's the only way that I can get from point A to point B.  I don’t do “heel toe”, like most people, I sort of waddle. He had the final say in what I would be using to be mobile.  After he left my room, I was in tears.  It wasn't just his demeanor, and telling me this was all I would get back,  it was the idea of wearing metal braces up to my waist.  The physical therapists talked to me privately and said that they didn't agree with him, and sent me to the brace maker that they like.  He talked to this doctor and bet him a steak dinner that he would have me in short plastic braces to my knees and that was that.  When I met him, he sat on the floor and talked to me.  I was in a wheelchair and it was such a joy to speak to someone and look eye to eye with him.  My neck hurt from looking up to talk to people.  He had some ideas.  He put me in braces already made that were very soft.  He wrapped my feet and braces with an ace bandage, pulling the foot up past a 90 degree angle.  He said that since my quadriceps worked, the braces would force me to stay in a bent knee position.  When we worked on it together, I was able to take a few more steps with two crutches.  Staying in the bent knee position, I could stand and not fall.  He made me beautiful braces.  That’s how I walked for 5 and a half years and got down to one crutch.   As the years passed, and my feet and legs got stronger, an acupuncturist pointed out that I no longer needed the braces made like this, and to get them at a 90 degree angle.  It would be better for my legs and back and I would walk more normally.  I went to a few different brace makers.  The left leg and foot got stronger faster than the right, and one brace maker asked why I wore a brace on the left leg at all.  I explained that my back and leg wore out so fast, causing a lot of pain if I didn’t wear it.  He said he thought that I was just lazy.  I didn’t go back to him.  I finally found the right man and got what I needed.  I would have gone back to the same original brace maker, but I moved to another city.  Nowadays, it seems that they “get it”.   They make them just right for me and try to find the easiest way for me to walk.  I wouldn't be as independent without these beautiful aides.  A forearm crutch helps me walk even straighter.  And yes, after 32 years, it is STILL thrilling!

OF TWO MINDS

    In April, I got to go to the Film Festival here in Cleveland.  My friend Paul had tickets to a documentary called, “Of Two Minds”, about bi-polar disorder.  His freshman roommate from Yale was featured in this, and was coming in from California.  I didn’t know what to expect at all.  I have a few friends with this disorder and learned a little just by being with them.  This documentary followed very closely four people over three years.  At the very opening of the film, you see the director’s wife and pictures of her sister who had bi polar disorder and passed away in 1994.  As they followed these people, they were so honest about themselves. The film captured them at their lowest points and at their highest.  Carlton, Paul’s roommate, even had another person he became at one particular time. He is an artist and showed a painting of this woman that he did.  I didn’t realize he actually dressed up as her and went out in the world.  He also showed the bridge where he was going to jump off and kill himself and what stopped him was realizing that he might cause an accident in the ongoing traffic below.  He had some wonderful art that we get to see in the movie.  One young woman is a makeup artist.  Beautiful, young makeup artist in Los Angeles.  She looks like she has everything going for her.  While they were filming, she said that she had been reading alot lately on how best to kill herself with pills.  At the end of the movie she has very methodically gotten herself off medication and was doing yoga, acupuncture, and lots of therapy.  She truly changed her diet completely. We see her shopping at the Farmer’s Market, getting fresh vegetables.   We were invited to the Ritz after the movie and talked to the cast and crew.  I spoke with the director.  A sweet young man.  I talked to Carlton’s wife and got a glimpse of what she has gone through in her marriage.   I also spoke with a young man they featured.  Young as in late 30’s.  He told me one of the most important things to do was to get enough sleep.  He was very charming and cute.  One young woman, Liz was very funny.  Only in that she was so very honest.  I think what I got from this is I haven’t a clue.  These people live a nightmare and work very hard to keep themselves healthy.  They all work and are a productive part of society.  They can’t all afford their meds because getting health insurance is tough and the meds are expensive.  Carlton said that they finally tweeked his medication to a point where he feels “normal”.  Just within the last couple of years.  He is in his late sixties. That means he went sixty some years carrying this craziness.  He is able to continue being an artist.  I enjoyed talking to him and his wife.   When a close friend of mine came out of the hospital for the second time with this disease, we had lunch and she said, “If I could just stop these voices in my head.”  How do you do that, if not with medication?  I hope everyone sees this movie at some point.  It definitely opened my heart a little and the phrase, “There but for the grace of God go I.”,  comes to mind.  Here is the link below to see the trailer.

http://www.oftwomindsmovie.com/trailer/