Saturday, September 19, 2015

FALLOPIAN TUBE



    Sometimes my Dad would call my mother at work and say, “The word for the day is…. And he’d come up with something.  One time he called her and she answered the phone and said, “Admitting.”  She worked in the admitting office at the local hospital, and he said, “Fallopian Tube.”  No hello, just "Fallopian Tube." And with a great deal of enthusiasm.  After Wayne Dyer came to visit me in the hospital, she answered the phone and he said, “Wayne Dyer!” 

    I have reflected a lot about Wayne since he made his transition and watched his movies again.  I regret not seeing him in 25 years and very glad I called into his radio show about 5 years ago.  And grateful they put my call through.  So many people called into his show and frankly I was very nervous and almost hoping they wouldn't take my call.  It took him a minute or two to remember me, but he did and was so happy to hear from me. 

    I had not read his books or listened to his lectures in a long time until 2007. When I saw him on PBS, he was so different than I remembered him.  So gentle and so full of love.  He used to send me his books and on the package, there was a stamp that would say,  “Love In Action.”  In the 80's and early 90's he would answer fan letters and send out packages on his own.  In this PBS special in 2007, he spoke so much about service and I said to my therapist, “I just can’t be that good.”  Then I saw the book he had just written at the library, “Inspiration, You’re Ultimate Calling.”  As soon as I opened it, I kept reading.  And anyone that knows me knows it is difficult for me to stay interested in books, but I pretty much read and read.  I took it home and just opened it to whatever page and practically memorized it.  I renewed it 2 times and finally bought it.  I try not to buy books but I bought this one and highlighted and underlined passages.  The book is so worn out now that the cover fell off.  Everything in it was wonderful.  Mostly he spoke of serving others.  I loved it.   I did everything the book said, and then I burned out.  I was exhausted from trying to do something for someone every day. This was one of his suggestions.  Preferably a stranger.   One day at work on a Saturday, someone played some music, and a supervisor started singing and dancing. I was exhausted. Out of nowhere I said, “Terry has graced us with her voice.” I was being sarcastic.  Terry heard me and was not happy.  It wasn’t nice at all.  Then I visited some friends out of state and made sure I was not talking about me and for a week I was a good girl listening to lots of stories that she shared.  I also played a great deal with her children.  Again, I burned out.  The last night I was there she talked about a movie she saw and I interrupted with a story about me.   I apologized.   I think it’s lovely to think of others and it’s also lovely to think of yourself.  I'm a little more balanced now, no pun intended. I then began working my way backwards and read all the books I had missed that Wayne had written, except a few.  Then, I got to talk to him.  One thing about Wayne is how human he was.  There was absolutely no pretentiousness about the man.  When I first met him in 1980, he walked into my hospital room and I was a nervous wreck.  I kept yawning to calm down.  He noticed that and asked if I was tired.  And frankly, he was almost cocky. He looked so much better than on the cover of "Your Erroneous Zones."  He had his Jordache jeans on.   He asked what happened and I told him I fell off a roof, broke my back and almost severed my spinal cord.  He said, “Well, do you want to walk?”  I said “Of course I do.”  His reply was, “Well then you’ll walk.”  He gave me books and tapes and signed them.  When I came home, I would write him and he would send me notes and say things like, “I am praying for you.”  I felt very loved and now very honored that I got to have that experience.  I am blessed beyond measure, and as he would say, “There are no accidents.”  And I do walk. 



The word for the day is…”Wayne Dyer”.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

LIFE



Someone held open the door for me to my building
I gave my change to the Cornucopia Society
I got 20 percent off my food today.
I sent a card to a dear friend who lost her mother recently
I matter.
So do you.

Sunday, May 31, 2015

GROSSLY UNDERESTIMATED



     The director of the chorus I am in said that she watched me while the assistant director was directing a song we did.  She said, “You have such stage presence.  It’s too bad you…”  Then she stopped and gestured toward my body.   I totally took this as the compliment it was meant to be and lapped it up with a spoon.  This certainly isn’t what I had hoped for, but the stage presence is still there.  When I was teaching an acting class at The Cleveland Playhouse, a woman taking the class, said, “Oh you’re the lady some friends were talking about.  They said you could have been such a great actor if you hadn’t had so many health issues.”  Ouch and wow.
   I had a great mentor in college.  He got me doing stand up and is also, deeply disappointed in me for not moving forward more with a career.  He had such high hopes.  I am ashamed about it all.  He wanted me to go with him to Los Angeles 30 years ago and meet his contacts.  And he had many.  He came to visit when I first came home from the hospital and was still in a wheelchair.  He said he would read anything I was writing and to send it pronto.  I tried writing when I lived with my parents.  Nothing was happening.  I would sit and write about my physical ailments and it all seemed so boring.  I was very sick with every kind of infection, but I KNOW I could have at least written something.
      It really isn’t too bad if I am using my talents to the best of my ability.  I guess, I don’t always think I am and that’s why I feel so bad sometimes. This week, my therapist, not physical, but for my head, said that when he met me, I grossly underestimated what I could do physically, and things are so different now.  Ouch and wow… He also said I still haven’t accepted my disability.  I agree.  I keep thinking if I just eat the right foods, say the right affirmations, and work out properly with the right people, I will be 100% healed.
    I have mixed feelings about my life right now.  Grateful that I can sing in a chorus and write in my writing group and even do a voice over every now and then, and shitty about some of my behavior  in the last 35 years.  I don’t know why I have been too scared to do anything more.  The stage fright came after the first play I did after I broke my back.  It was community theatre and the quality of it was so bad.  I really was not that good.  Even my mother had things to say about my poor performance.  And she usually liked watching me on stage. The next play I had a small part.  It was fine.  A few plays were good, and some were terrible. 
    I was scared to do stand up again.  I couldn’t think of anything funny to write.  I needed a lot of help emotionally, and had no idea how to get it.  It’s as if moving back home with my parents put me back into puberty.   I started working with my dad immediately, but after the first year, the rods in my back moved and you could see them sticking out. The pain was too much for me to keep working.   Because it was a Worker’s Comp case, it took forever to get the surgery approved to remove them.  I kept working out and swimming as much as I could to keep me in shape and get rid of the paralysis, but the fears of being out on my own were overwhelming.  I did do stand up a couple of times.  Great fun, but I was a wreck beforehand.   I mean, a wreck.  I also tried every healing modality that I could afford.
It’s too bad you… ya it is too bad. 
     Life was so easy in the hospital.  Well, after my initial breakdown.  When they stood me up, I couldn’t feel the floor.  I cried for about 3 days.  Then gradually, I felt better.  And better.  And better.  And it was fun.  I knew I would walk again.  I knew I would be 100% healed.  I was so calm.  Everyone commented on it.
     In 1988 I got an agent to do commercials and voice overs.  She sent me to a photographer and I got beautiful head shots. Then she worked hard on my resume.  My commercial demos I had just made were not good, so she sent me to someone new.  I met with him and then I dropped the ball.  My car needed work and I took it to my dad’s friend who fixed cars for a living.  He asked what was new and I said I had an agent and his response was, “Ya, but nothing is happening , right Chris?”  As I left I started to cry.  He was right.  I had dropped the ball in many instances.  I think we all drop balls from time to time.  
     It’s too bad you… it is too bad in a way.  But I think it is much worse to not use the physical capabilities that you do have.  Today, I am preparing for an audition tomorrow, recording another one and sending it off to an agency.  And walking.  I will see my friends at a party later.  No ball dropping today. 

Sunday, May 10, 2015

MAY 10th, 2015



    I wanted to see the Lifetime movie, “Cleveland Abduction”, because my friend  Jean Zarzour was in it.  I also wanted to see it because it was filmed here in Cleveland.  I felt that I needed to read the book it was based on, called “Finding Me” written by the first victim, Michelle Knight. I wanted to read that before I saw the movie.  I am not a reader.  It takes me weeks to get through a book, but I was determined.   I was only able to get through the first 100 pages.  I felt like I was a voyeur.  I had to put the book down many times because what happened to these girls, now women, was inhumane.  I watched only a bit of the interview with Michelle Knight and Dr. Phil when they were rescued in 2013.  I felt at that point Dr. Phil was exploiting her.  I never finished the book.  Instead I went to the ending with pictures of Michelle and how she flourished and came through such an ordeal.  I returned it to the library. 

  Then came the movie.  I watched the beginning before Michelle was captured.  Once Ariel Castro kidnapped her, I had to keep switching to something funny like “Miss Congeniality”.  Even “Liar Liar”, which I have only seen 8000 times.  Anything to keep me from getting physically ill.  My friend was on very briefly in just a few scenes.  I found out later that some scenes she did were cut, but Jean was wonderful as Gina DeJesus’ mother.  I was worried that this Lifetime movie would be another story sensationalizing something so real and horrifying.    But that wasn’t the case.  They spent a great deal of time on the girls/women, after they were rescued.  They showed Michelle as she found out her son, who was in foster care before she was kidnapped, was now adopted.  She was working hard to get him back in her custody right before Ariel got her.  They showed her in court reading a letter to him.  (She actually forgave this man!)

    I am proud to know Jean after watching the movie.  I thought Taryn Manning did a beautiful job playing Michelle.  The movie was surprisingly inspiring.  Michelle has definitely shown what the meaning of “overcoming obstacles”, means.   She will go on to inspire many people.  And Jean humbly appreciated her role.  She made a lot of us cry as she sobbed in Ariel Castro’s arms.  The guy told her he was looking for her daughter. 

   I don't think I will ever be able to watch the movie in it's entirety.  But I was moved to tears and thrilled they escaped. 
  This is a good day for me to be grateful.

Saturday, February 21, 2015

MUSIC



      My friend Beth’s mother made her transition yesterday with Beth by her side.  I was taken by the great care she gave her mom. I sing with Beth in Windsong Chorus. When her mother was still in the nursing home, a few of us came and sang to her and some of the residents there.  This wasn’t too long ago.  Then Beth got the East Side Threshold Choir of Cleveland to sing for her once she was moved into Hospice.  My friend Kathy Sullivan runs it.  Kathy is a wonderful singer and uses her gifts to help others heal and make their transitions.  The Threshold Choir started 15 years ago and now there are about 100 chapters worldwide.  When I broke my hip, she and a friend sang a couple songs for me in the hospital.  It was beautiful.  So peaceful, and believe me, I needed some peace at that point.  Beth is working on starting a threshold choir on the west side.  On their website, they say that they are not religiously oriented, but I felt like two angels were singing to me.  A few weeks ago our chorus sang a song with The Good Company Ensemble.  We got to sit in the audience for most of the concert before the last song which we were a part of.  After the first half, people jumped to their feet and some were crying.  One lady said she felt like her heart chakra opened up.  I said I felt like this is what it must sound like when you die and are  being taken to heaven.  I would like everything to be as peaceful and loving as someone preparing to die and a choir is sending them off.  Wouldn’t that be wonderful?  Music somehow transcends all of our “issues” and makes us feel more connected to one another.  I was thinking how hard it was for my mother to just let go when she was dying, and I think having someone lullaby her onward would have helped ease her heart and make her transition sweeter for her and everyone.