GROSSLY UNDERESTIMATED

     The director of the chorus I am in said that she watched me while the assistant director was directing a song we did.  She said, “You have such stage presence.  It’s too bad you…”  Then she stopped and gestured toward my body.   I totally took this as the compliment it was meant to be and lapped it up with a spoon.  This certainly isn’t what I had hoped for, but the stage presence is still there.  When I was teaching an acting class at The Cleveland Playhouse, a woman taking the class, said, “Oh you’re the lady some friends were talking about.  They said you could have been such a great actor if you hadn’t had so many health issues.”  Ouch and wow.

   I had a great mentor in college.  He got me doing stand up and is also, deeply disappointed in me for not moving forward more with a career.  He had such high hopes.  I am ashamed about it all.  He wanted me to go with him to Los Angeles 30 years ago and meet his contacts.  And he had many.  He came to visit when I first came home from the hospital and was still in a wheelchair.  He said he would read anything I was writing and to send it pronto.  I tried writing when I lived with my parents.  Nothing was happening.  I would sit and write about my physical ailments and it all seemed so boring.  I was very sick with every kind of infection, but I KNOW I could have at least written something.

      It really isn’t too bad if I am using my talents to the best of my ability.  I guess, I don’t always think I am and that’s why I feel so bad sometimes. This week, my therapist, not physical, but for my head, said that when he met me, I grossly underestimated what I could do physically, and things are so different now.  Ouch and wow… He also said I still haven’t accepted my disability.  I agree.  I keep thinking if I just eat the right foods, say the right affirmations, and work out properly with the right people, I will be 100% healed.

    I have mixed feelings about my life right now.  Grateful that I can sing in a chorus and write in my writing group and even do a voice over every now and then, and shitty about some of my behavior  in the last 35 years.  I don’t know why I have been too scared to do anything more.  The stage fright came after the first play I did after I broke my back.  It was community theatre and the quality of it was so bad.  I really was not that good.  Even my mother had things to say about my poor performance.  And she usually liked watching me on stage. The next play I had a small part.  It was fine.  A few plays were good, and some were terrible. 

    I was scared to do stand up again.  I couldn’t think of anything funny to write.  I needed a lot of help emotionally, and had no idea how to get it.  It’s as if moving back home with my parents put me back into puberty.   I started working with my dad immediately, but after the first year, the rods in my back moved and you could see them sticking out. The pain was too much for me to keep working.   Because it was a Worker’s Comp case, it took forever to get the surgery approved to remove them.  I kept working out and swimming as much as I could to keep me in shape and get rid of the paralysis, but the fears of being out on my own were overwhelming.  I did do stand up a couple of times.  Great fun, but I was a wreck beforehand.   I mean, a wreck.  I also tried every healing modality that I could afford.

It’s too bad you… ya it is too bad. 

     Life was so easy in the hospital.  Well, after my initial breakdown.  When they stood me up, I couldn’t feel the floor.  I cried for about 3 days.  Then gradually, I felt better.  And better.  And better.  And it was fun.  I knew I would walk again.  I knew I would be 100% healed.  I was so calm.  Everyone commented on it.

     In 1988 I got an agent to do commercials and voice overs.  She sent me to a photographer and I got beautiful head shots. Then she worked hard on my resume.  My commercial demos I had just made were not good, so she sent me to someone new.  I met with him and then I dropped the ball.  My car needed work and I took it to my dad’s friend who fixed cars for a living.  He asked what was new and I said I had an agent and his response was, “Ya, but nothing is happening , right Chris?”  As I left I started to cry.  He was right.  I had dropped the ball in many instances.  I think we all drop balls from time to time.  

     It’s too bad you… it is too bad in a way.  But I think it is much worse to not use the physical capabilities that you do have.  Today, I am preparing for an audition tomorrow, recording another one and sending it off to an agency.  And walking.  I will see my friends at a party later.  No ball dropping today.