MUSIC

      My friend Beth’s mother made her transition yesterday with Beth by her side.  I was taken by the great care she gave her mom. I sing with Beth in Windsong Chorus. When her mother was still in the nursing home, a few of us came and sang to her and some of the residents there.  This wasn’t too long ago.  Then Beth got the East Side Threshold Choir of Cleveland to sing for her once she was moved into Hospice.  My friend Kathy Sullivan runs it.  Kathy is a wonderful singer and uses her gifts to help others heal and make their transitions.  The Threshold Choir started 15 years ago and now there are about 100 chapters worldwide.  When I broke my hip, she and a friend sang a couple songs for me in the hospital.  It was beautiful.  So peaceful, and believe me, I needed some peace at that point.  Beth is working on starting a threshold choir on the west side.  On their website, they say that they are not religiously oriented, but I felt like two angels were singing to me.  A few weeks ago our chorus sang a song with The Good Company Ensemble.  We got to sit in the audience for most of the concert before the last song which we were a part of.  After the first half, people jumped to their feet and some were crying.  One lady said she felt like her heart chakra opened up.  I said I felt like this is what it must sound like when you die and are  being taken to heaven.  I would like everything to be as peaceful and loving as someone preparing to die and a choir is sending them off.  Wouldn’t that be wonderful?  Music somehow transcends all of our “issues” and makes us feel more connected to one another.  I was thinking how hard it was for my mother to just let go when she was dying, and I think having someone lullaby her onward would have helped ease her heart and make her transition sweeter for her and everyone. 

THE GIRLS

   For some reason I have had a hard time blogging.  Nothing to write about.  My biggest "journey" recently, has been singing with Windsong Feminist Chorus.  This director has asked me to audition for a solo for 5 years now and I finally did and I got it.  So, on January 11th, we had our concert and I thought we did a good job.  I did my solo, and got wonderful responses.  I felt very good about it until I saw the video.  Yuk!  My glasses broke and I had to wear my old ones which looked sort of "heavy".  My clothes were old.  Definitely need a new wardrobe. During this whole process, my fellow singers were very supportive and made sure I kept the beat.  My brother used to be an actor and now he is a high school teacher.  He has written some music for an off Broadway show.  I asked how rehearsals were going and he said he had forgotten how egotistical actors can be.  I thought about this and of course remembered the plays I had done and it was sort of a "ME" kind of world.  The women I sing with aren't like this.  We are so supportive of one another and help each other as much as we can.  When I first sang my solo in front of them, they all cheered.  When I had cancer, they took me to many appointments and when I broke my hip, some took me to physical therapy and some took me grocery shopping.  Whatever they could do to help.  It seems if someone has as issue, the rest of the chorus offers whatever they can.  We hang out even if we're not singing.  And when we sing, we feel good.  Some of them have helped me move...TWICE.  We try to encourage each other to audition for solos, and Karen, our director, likes to give as many folks a chance.  Sort of "spreading the love", if you will.  I think it's wonderful and  I will get over seeing myself perform.  I used to teach an acting class using a video camera and many of the students found it hard to watch themselves.  I had great respect for them, especially the people who have never performed before.  And even though I have been a big fat ham bone since I was a kid, I have had tremendous stage fright ever since I broke my back.  And YES, since that performance on January 11th,  I have great respect for me too.

OHM

     I haven’t written in forever and thought it was time.  I was talking to a friend I hadn’t spoken with in a while complaining that I was scared the way my body behaved.  Seems like things are worse instead of better.  She was very considerate and present and said, “Well, you have a very hard life.”  Two days later, in my meditation,  I asked how I could heal my body and how I could be as blissful as when I came home from the hospital 34 years ago, knowing I would be totally and completely healed.  The answer came fast.  “STOP WHINING.”  I was not happy with this because I didn’t think I was whining, but I quickly began looking at all the good stuff in my life.  Friends, a nice home, everything I could think of.  I could see how childish I was being, almost like I was owed something for being on this earth.  Isn’t that interesting?   And things did turn around.  I began thinking of so many things I could do to help reach optimum health.  Not just diet and exercise.  It began to be fun.  I don’t always want to hear the truth but this time I listened. I realize I have limitations, and  I’m all for feeling all my feelings and bringing them to the surface to heal, but after that ….. SHUT UP.

CLEANING HOUSE

     I think that I have lied a great deal in my life.  I also think I’ve come clean on many things.  I was watching a friend lie about his degree to someone last year, and I was surprised for some reason. I knew that he had a degree in something, but this time, he embellished it some.  Added more letters to it.   I was almost believing him, he was so convincing.  I didn’t say a word.   Once we were out to lunch, and I smelled something foul.  It took me a minute and I realized he hadn’t bathed in a while.  After not seeing him in many years, he told me about how people can be kind no matter what they were going through and he said even though he had been out all night once, he came home, took a shower and went to work with a great attitude.  I was more excited about the shower than the attitude. This was not the only self promoting that he did.  He told me he never got angry.  I knew that wasn’t true because he told me off more than once.  But I hung in there.  Sometimes I would run into a mutual friend of his and they would talk about how wonderful he was.  One woman said, “I’ve always had a crush on him.” I thought, “Cool.  Maybe he’s changed." Then I saw someone at the drug store I hadn’t seen in years that knew him and I asked if she still kept in touch.  She said, “No.”  She said she could not deal with him anymore.  Mostly, the bullshit.  I said, “He sure has a lot of friends.”, and she said, “Acquaintances.” 

    Last year, I went to a funeral for a friend’s mom who died suddenly of a heart attack.  There were so many people there.  I was a little surprised because my friend’s mother was so harsh and angry.  She complained a great deal.  Mostly about her children.  Even my friend talked about how rude she was to others.  One of her friends sat next to me at the church and we talked a little before the service.  She told me it’s not the dead that suffer, it’s the people they leave behind.  I thought, “I know.”  Then she asked what happened to me that I would need a crutch to walk and I told her I broke my back and damaged the spinal cord so I am partially paralyzed.  She said, “That’s from the spinal injury!”  Didn’t I just say that?  She said it like it was a brand new theory that nobody had thought of, but her. It was almost like she was explaining it to me like I didn't know.  When people got up and spoke at the funeral, my mouth dropped.  You’d of thought my friend’s mother was the Second Coming.  What was I missing?  Maybe they were all as “out to lunch” as the friend that sat next to me.

   I know we all have different sides to us and they’re not all good or all bad, but sometimes I question my instincts about people. Once a friend got drunk and told me off for an hour, when I said that I thought she was drunk.  After a week or two, she told me that I would have to realize that she was under a lot of stress.  No apology at all.  Whenever I saw her, she was drunk.  I told another friend that I was done with her and she said, “What are you going to do?!  Get rid of EVeryone?!”   No, just lying, smelly, rude, drunken assholes! 

  Several years ago, I found a dentist that I liked a lot.  I needed a great deal of work done and he was very good.  As time went on, things seemed weird.  He had less of a staff working for him.  He told me he was working on some screenplays and got an agent to that would promote them.  He told me he had written some songs.  I was jealous.  Pretty soon, more equipment he had was gone and he was down to one other person working with him. Then he needed to put a crown on one of my teeth.  I paid him and he put a temporary one on while the lab made a new one. Then he called me and said he was leaving for Los Angeles and a new dentist would take over.  When I called to make the appointment to put the final crown on my tooth, they wanted 1000 dollars.  I explained that I already paid my old dentist, and they said they knew nothing about it.  I called the old dentist and he said things were slow in the movie making business and when he had the money, he would pay them to fix my crown.  I kept calling until he changed his number and the new dentist gave me his lawyer who said he owed everyone money including the lab that he used and there was nothing I could do except complain to the American Dental Association.  That was 5 years ago.  He has yet to come through. A friend lent me the money and I paid her back.  Teeth are fixed, but I am out 1 grand. 

   I was out to dinner with a friend not too long ago, and she asked if I had seen someone we both knew.  I said that he and his wife were too hard to be around.  She said, “Too bad you’re not like me.”  I wanted to kill her.  Then she said, “When I’m at work, I don’t judge people.”  She said she didn’t agree with something her boss did but she didn’t let it get to her.  She said she read her Marianne Williamson book, said a prayer and went on with her day.  I think saying, ‘Too bad you’re not like me.’ is a judgmental condescending statement to begin with. We don’t have as many choices about who we work with.  I don’t see this woman too much either. 

   I am trusting my gut more today.  Asking for what I want, and saying NO to whatever I choose. I'm glad I bailed from certain people even if others think it's wrong. 

 

  

LUCKY VARTORELLA

     I have hesitated to write in the last few months about the physical stuff with me, but what the heck.  I moved in June and love my new place.  However, my body sort of fell apart.  I started having pain in my back in new places and it was tough.  Then I got cocky, and got up in the middle of the night several weeks ago, didn’t wear my braces or use my crutch, and fell breaking my shoulder.  It’s fine.  Then I got a job.  I was still in a lot of pain with my back, and on the first day of work last week, the walk from the parking garage to the office almost did me in.  I worked four hours, came home and laid down on an ice pack.  Every time I moved, I would yell in pain.  Sort of a new thing.  If I sneezed, I would practically cry from the stinging of it all.  I had to bail from the job and the Bureau of Vocational Rehab closed my case and will reopen it when I am better able to work. 

     I am the luckiest girl in the world.  When I broke my hip in November, I had friends coming to the hospital and the rehab and offering love and encouragement.  When I got home, friends not only brought me meals, but took me to physical therapy and out to lunch and did my errands for me.  When I moved, friends came and helped me pack and then friends took many boxes to my new place.  Others came with me when I moved, unpacked me and put things away and even bought me household items, like a lamp and a table for the side of my bed.  One of my friends even bought me a bed.  Prior to moving, my friend Sue checked on places for me to live and continues to help me in any way she can.

     Last night was my 40^th high school reunion.  I couldn’t go.  My body wasn’t working at all.  One friend, Mary Kay, offered to bring me and I still didn’t make it so she suggested I make a video, and she would show it to our friends.  I did.  Then, all evening, she got videos of my high school friends saying hello to me and wishing me well.  It was almost like being there.

I am the luckiest girl in the world.  This summer, I was all set to go to sing with the chorus I am in at Sister Singers in Illinois.  My friend, Jill and her partner wanted me to go, so they were going to drive, and because I don’t ride well in the car, stop over night so I could rest.  Sweet huh?  However, that’s when I broke my shoulder, and the doctor suggested I stay home since it was the arm that I use the crutch with.  They were fine with that and so was the chorus even though I received a scholarship to take this trip and they would not get all their money back.  They had a spectacular time and sang with several other choruses.  The night before they left, several of them called and sang to me.  Once again, it was as if I was there.  Prior to their leaving, one friend, did grocery shopping for me and another did my laundry.  Ya, my LAUNDRY!!!

     Today, I saw some of my friends from marching band in high school.  An after reunion brunch. My friend Danna, who I have written about before, came in from Columbus.  She is one of the finest human beings I have ever met. When I broke my back in Athens Ohio, she was the nurse at the hospital they took me to in Columbus.  Even though she was getting ready for her wedding in a few months, she did a great deal to help me.  Like stay with my parents when I had surgery and then saving my life when I was given too much morphine.   And THEN staying with me all night so my parents could get some sleep.  My friend Pam was at the brunch, who is still sweet, and my friend Willow and Terri and Mary Kay came. She was the one running around the reunion with a video of me.   I sucked as a clarinet player in band, but I made wonderful friends.  The lady organizing the brunch was Kay Ovacek who worked very hard on the whole reunion and wanted us band girls to hook up.  I used to call them, "the good girls", because that's what they were and are.

    My friend Martha asked me why I think I broke my shoulder.  BECAUSE I FELL!!!  She meant metaphysically.  I think I have these physical things, so I can learn to love myself more deeply and to realize, I am the luckiest girl in the world.

HOPE

     Last night I had a chance to dance.  The first time since I broke my hip.  I can tell my hip still needs to heal more and the surgeon said it would be a year before I am 100%.  While in the hospital back in November, I had some interesting encounters. I could hear one nurse in the hall talking when I first got there and every time she spoke she had a whistle to her voice.  I thought, "How hard that must be and she must have been made fun of sometimes."  After a few days, she was my nurse and she was fantastic.  I think nurses are angels sent from heaven and we don't always get it until we're in the hospital.  Or at least I didn't before I broke my back.  After a few days taking care of me, she talked a little about herself.  She talked about her son dying not too long ago, and I can't remember how but he was an adult.  She didn't cry while telling me the story.  He had the same name as mine.  Then she said that she got cancer around her jaw and so much of her mouth was cut that she had to learn to talk again.  She talked about the physical therapy that she had to endure.  She spoke so honestly about it all, that I couldn't even respond.  She also had such confidence in my recovery.  I was very frightened at that point, and she offered so much hope for me.  I have thought many times that hope isn't real.  It's wanting something to happen in the future, and you're never present.  But this hope, that she offered, gave me a little more peace, knowing I'd be completely healed.  And I will be... So last night I danced for the first time.  Oh, and as beautiful as this nurse was, as generous and open and wonderful as our encounter was, right as she was leaving my room she said, "Oh, and try not to be such a clutz."  Ya gotta laugh...