In the summer of 1987, my holistic health counselor insisted I go to a two-week retreat in Mt. Shasta to be with a self-proclaimed healer. I was afraid to go but it turned out to be incredible and I seemed to have a better gait when I got home. I think Mt. Shasta is a beautiful place to be. I met a lot of great people there. I didn't understand the morning lectures that he gave but I had so much fun. I was lucky that in part of the 2 weeks, someone rented a horse for me to ride up one of the mountains where we camped out one night. It was so beautiful. Two other people who were disabled also rode horses up the mountain. Well, we were actually guided by someone who knew what they were doing because I sure didn't. There was a chef that brought food on llamas so we weren't exactly roughing it. I did however sleep in a sleeping bag outside. One of the many health benefits was massage therapy. When I arrived after the four-hour flight, I was in so much physical pain, that I couldn't open my eyes fully. Every time this one lady saw me, she would start to giggle. It was hard to disguise how I felt and I giggled with her. This was within the first couple of days. So, I was happy to get a massage. This woman was such a talented massage therapist that as she worked with me, the pain started to dissipate a little and as always, I started to fall asleep. What I know about the pain I have, is that sleep is about the only thing that gets rid of it when it's really bad. She started to tell me that I could let out any emotion I was feeling, but what I was feeling was relief, and that wonderful feeling right before you fall asleep. She said, "It's almost like you don't want to be here." She said to let the feelings out. I wanted to say that I had no freaking feelings, so just shut up so I can get to sleep. After it was done, I felt so much better. She said, "I'm sorry, but you will never be able to get the full benefit of this until you're willing to feel your feelings, and that's why your body has so many issues." I was very angry, and I saw the healer on my walk back to my cabin. I told him what happened and he asked why I suppressed my feelings, but it didn't help. I went into my room I was staying in and cried. Not because she captured some feelings, but because she said some rough stuff to me. When I saw the lady who massaged me, I told her I cried after and she was very happy. Sorry, I think I definitely have suppressed feelings, and I've covered them up with humor, but I think she crossed the line. I think that holistic folk need to study how to be human beings with people that are chronically ill or have a temporary physical issue. I think it would be so nice if they met you where you were at and I was at the, "I need to sleep." time.
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