S......Weet

All I did was affirm what a great day it was…My brother used to tease me about doing affirmations but I wanted to test this affirmation out.  I told myself in the morning that it was going to be a great day.  I kept saying how great the day is... all through the day.... Things like, "Life loves me."  "Only Good Lies Before Me."

     So yesterday, I saw my back doctor.  He is one of the kindest doctors I have ever had.  He did something different in his manipulations and my back was a lot better.  He doesn’t crack it anymore… but moved my legs around and twisted me a lot.  It was great…I felt pretty good after.

  I came home and cleaned up my place a lot.  Still affirming.  I made two important phone calls and then went out with a friend to watch her and some other ladies do an Egyptian Dance that they are performing this week.  She had talked about this “group” a lot.  But she takes class 2 minutes from where I live in a place I would have never imagined.  There is a little industrial area by the railroad tracks and this little place has a studio in the back.  So I watched them and sitting there, I started to feel pretty bad... Alot of back pain.  After they were done rehearsing, my friend told me to lay down on a table they had that massages you.  After figuring out the controls, I turned it on and let it massage me.  It was sheer heaven.  Then they invited me in another room for wine and cheese.  It was positively lovely and unexpected.  They told me to come back and use the massage table again.

All I did was affirm all day how great the day was….

GARDENS

    When I was very young, around 10, I would say all the “things”, I heard adults say.  I think that is normal.  One of the things I would say was, “Well, if you ask me…”, and then I would say whatever.  My father’s response was, “Who asked you?”  Nice.  Then another time, out of nowhere he said, “You don’t seem to understand that nobody asked you.” Although, my father was nasty and rude,  that is the truth… people are not necessarily asking for my opinion all the time.  So I bite my tongue very often and of course I still mess up.  I watched a close friend going down a dark road for several years.  She said such self deprecating words.  It broke my heart.  Finally, I asked something about her eating habits as she is diabetic, and she said in not so many words that it was none of my business.  It wasn’t/isn’t.  Now she is very sick, and it is STILL none of my business.  Cheryl Richardson asked Louise Hay how to be with a friend that may very well be dying, and Louise Hay said, “Love him.” I don’t know what my friend’s life is supposed to be like or why she is here.  My dear friend Michelle said that my friend’s soul knows exactly what it’s doing….In one of Wayne Dyers books he writes, “Cultivate your own garden.”  He goes on to say that we need to do our thing and stay out of everyone else’s garden.  I do my best but this one is hard.  I watched my mother sink into deep sadness with issues around my father.  I remember the last day she stopped over before getting really sick and dying.  She was so pale and it was as if her life had left her.  The sparkle I knew so well had left her eyes.  I asked her if she was ok and she said, “I’m okay honey, I’m just not wearing any lipstick.” I found out more "stuff" had happened with my dad.   People aren’t here to make sure Chris Vartorella gets all her needs met.  They have their own journeys and they are cultivating their gardens as best as they can....... …but if you ask me.... this sucks!

:)

     I had a lovely time the other night…. I was in group therapy and it was our last session for a while.  The facilitator baked chocolate brownies and I brought some chocolate candy.  We all checked in and I found it very interesting to listen about everyone’s experience in the group the last several weeks.  More so than usual.

    Then the facilitator wanted it to be a light meeting to sort of relax and she brought a few things to “dEstress us..” but asked us first what we wanted to do.  She brought “worry stones” that we could decorate and take home… she had a few other crafts for us if we wanted to do them, but there was no pressure.  She put on some ENYA music which a couple of us found annoying.  I actually like ENYA, but this CD was different.  None of us were speaking up about what to do, but one man brought his guitar and asked if he could sing for us.  We all said yes and we turned off ENYA…and he played and sang.  He chose very sweet, soft music.  I caught myself with the biggest grin on my face.  I get so uptight that I think it will take me weeks to calm down.  But it only took a second to get into his singing.  We all did.  He did a few songs and smiled at each one of us.  I saw so much of him as he sang.  We never got to the crafty stuff…. We all applauded and felt very grateful that he shared his gifts with us.  He said he used to sing and play to his children before they went to bed.  I reminded myself to play some soothing music as I drift off to sleep.  When we all said “goodbye”, it seemed like everyone had such gratitude… The whole evening took me by surprise.

     Last year, I was invited to a party with many people I didn’t know.  The host lived on the lake in a beautiful condo.  I enjoyed meeting people and then she said, “Dinner is ready.”  I thought we already had dinner.  Apparently, I was eating appetizers.  She made the most amazing meal and I LOVED every bite.  One of the guests brought homemade chocolate candy.  We then sat out on her deck and watched the water.  I mean the condo is right on the beach.  Then before the sun set, there was the most beautiful rainbow.  The host looked over at me and said, “Ohhh Chris.”  I caught myself again with the biggest smile and she saw me….

   Sometimes, all I need is some soft music, some friends, old and new and a rainbow.   ….. and some chocolate…… and a Dortmunder….
    You'd think I would want this for my loved ones but uhm..... well.....   When my dad was dying, my brother came in from New York to help out a few times.  He would leave his wife who was pregnant, a job and his little boy who was two and he never complained.  When he would go back home, we would talk every day.  One day he said that he and his wife got a babysitter for his son and got to a dinner party at a friends apt.  They sat out in a beautiful garden and had a wonderful meal.  He told me how beautiful the evening was and the leaves were turning.  He told me how lovely his wife looked.  I was absolutely exhausted and was SO jealous that he had a nice time....I was at my dad's apt. and when we hung up, instead of feeling good that he got a much needed evening out, I danced around the apartment and imitated everything he said... like a four year old.... "OOOO , we got to go to our friend's house and have dinner..!!!!"
   IT'S ALL ABOUT ME BABY.....

 

   

SURRENDER

        There used to be a commercial for a drug rehab in Cleveland... they'd say..... “Help is just a phone call away.” I think God is like that.  I think God is just a phone call away.  I used to think God didn’t answer my calls because he was too busy.  In 1989, there was a lump found on mother’s thyroid and the doctor wanted a biopsy.  She was so scared.  It turned out to be nothing but all the time leading to it was frightening.  After she told me, I wondered how, as a family, we would manage this. My mind went everywhere thinking that if it was cancer, and she needed chemo, how would we take care of her?  My health was not that good.   I couldn’t help but think of when she had gall bladder surgery in 1985 and it was filled with cancer.  While waiting for the surgery to be over, my father was so irritable and difficult to be around.  This was the old way of doing gall bladder surgery and recovery took a long time.  It was a frightening period.  So I prayed.  I sat on my couch and spoke as honestly as I could.  I told God that I truly couldn’t manage the stress of it all.  I told God that I knew I had messed up a lot but still I wanted his help.  I told him that this was his “movie”, and I was just the actor.  I told him that I would behave any way I was supposed to, but I didn’t know how.  It was total surrender or as close as I had ever gotten.  I don’t remember going to bed but I woke up to a phone call from a friend.  She started talking in German.  She never is up early so a phone call from her at this time was weird.  I started laughing a lot.  Then I did my usual routine that day which was going to a swim class that I truly enjoyed.  When I got home, I was in the same amount physical pain that I always was.   My windows were open and it was so nice outside.  I never did this before, but I yelled out to a couple of women walking down the street and they were SO nice and greeted me with great glee.  Almost like little kids.  I then made dinner for myself.  After a very quiet dinner, I cleaned up and for some reason, I lit a candle I had.  It was a pink rose quartz candle with pink crystals at the bottom.  As soon as I lit it, tears came up in me and I said, “I’m really not alone, am I?”  I realized the day was so much lighter for me.  In fact, it was downright blissful.  The calm that I had was lovely…It felt like I had a bunch of angels guiding me but here’s the strange part.   Nothing outwardly had really changed.   

   The following week, she had her surgery.  I wasn’t nearly as frightened as before and was able to be more present for her.  The feeling in the waiting room with my brother and father was so different.  This time my father was joking with my brother.  The surgeon came out and said, “It doesn’t look like cancer, but we will do the tests.”  When we got to her room, she could barely talk.  I adjusted her blanket, tripped, and almost fell on her.  My brother had to leave the room, because he was laughing so hard.  With her eyes closed, she said, “What did the doctor say?”  I leaned over and quietly said, “He said it doesn’t look like cancer.”  I looked at my father and mouthed, “I don’t know.”, and made a gross gesture that indicated, “Bullshit.”  Usually, my father was appalled by my jokes, but this time, he started to laugh so hard that he had to leave the room.   They got the results fast and it was benign.  I really felt like the bliss I was in was the gift and whatever the outcome, I could handle it.  The tests results were just the bonus.

 

MY FRIEND MARY

     I heard Joan Borysenko say that when she was working with patients that were dying, they all said the same thing. They all looked back on there life and they looked back on the quality of their relationships.  She said when you look back, you look at the people who have touched your heart, and who's hearts you've touched.

     When I heard her say this I thought of one of my old roommates, Mary.  She was always kind to me no matter what.  She would get angry at me at times, but the common theme in our relationship in the last 30 some years was her kindness to me.  When I broke my back and it looked like I would never walk again, she called and was very calm.  I was in Ohio and she was in Chicago.  She told me that the body was amazing and could heal.  She called of course, at just the right time.  We see each other from time to time, and she always is sweet and caring.  One time she called saying she had to tell me something.  I immediately thought I did something wrong and she said, “I needed to tell you that in all these years, you have never judged me.”  This was quite the coincidence because I catch myself judging others quite often.  Of course, she called right after I had dinner with a friend and I told my friend that I didn’t know the difference between judgments and discernment. 

   Mary gets uptight about some stuff… so do I… but I don’t care…. She’s great…She’s not too uptight to say, “I love you.”, at the end of each phone call.

  I had moved to another state to get extensive acupuncture.  I stayed with a friend and her mother and brother, and as soon as I felt healthier, I would move out on my own.  I didn't know my friend I was staying with was crazy even though we spoke every day.  Mary knew her. So, I got healthier, but not healthy enough to live on my own.  A few months went by.  Although they wanted me to stay, it was a nightmare and I was so scared.  Too sick to move out.... Mary called.  “Gee, I thought you were only staying there a short time.”  I couldn’t say anything because they were there.  I just said, “Ya, me too.”  She knew right away that something was wrong.  All she said was, “Oh no Chris.”  I felt so validated at that moment. 

  During another very dark time in my life. She called me out of the blue. and I told her why I was so depressed.   I had a holistic health counselor who convinced me what a bad person I was.  After I told her the story, she expressed her views on it and that this wasn’t worth hating myself for.  She said, “I won’t let you beat yourself up like this Chris, I won’t!”   It was just what I needed to hear.

   I can’t say that I have loved that deeply with most people, but I can say I love Mary.  What’s not to love?

PEACE

     When I was about to graduate high school, I was scared to death and depressed about my life… The last day of school, I looked down from the bridge connecting the north and south side of the high school..I saw my six closest friends walking, giggling.  They each had their important plans after graduation … …..Five of them were going to college and one had a great job lined up….They all did the right things… They worked in the summers, some during the whole year.  They got good grades and helped others.  Then there was me.  My main goal was getting in plays at school and even though we were all in marching band together, they practiced and I didn’t.  I fooled around a great deal and I barely graduated.  I was prepared for nothing.  My parents were very worried.  My father said the only thing that I knew how to do was to memorize lines.  No amount of lectures from them worked.   In March of my senior year, after the musical I did was done, I got a job at the local hospital working in the kitchen.   Since I did not get my driver’s license because I was too scared to drive, this was good because I could walk there.  I was not liked at this job.  I couldn’t do anything right.  I would be given a task and I would screw it up.  Not on purpose, I just was incredibly immature.  The older women were annoyed, the young girls wanted to kill me and my supervisors were as patient as they could be.

   So, after I watched my friends, there was an awards ceremony that day.  I received the Best Thesbian award, but it felt so hollow. We got to come home early after that and that was our last day of high school.  I came home thinking I had no future and had a few hours before I went to work.  My mother was working and she would be home right after I left.  We would just miss each other.  I sat for a second, thinking my life was over.  I figured I messed up every opportunity for a future that I had.  When you are 17, you can’t see anything down the road… even a week or two… even a second.   I felt like a piece of dirt.  Then, out of nowhere, I decided I just wouldn’t feel bad that afternoon.  So I cleaned the kitchen, made the beds and vacuumed a little.  I figured she could at least come home to a clean house even though her daughter was a failure.  I put the award I got on the dining room table where she could see it.  I put my uniform on, complete with hairnet, and went to work. 

    Work was the same.  Very hard.   I was taking trays of food from hospital rooms and putting them in a big “thing”.   When I knelt down to load one up, a very slow feeling of peace started at the top of my head and bathed me… almost like being enveloped in love.  It was an unexpected feeling….   I felt something I hadn’t felt in many years, which was peace.   Somehow, a little service in a dark hour for me paid off.  In that moment, I didn’t feel like I was a failure.

OUTSIDE INTERFERENCE

    When I was 29 I was in a play at a local college.  It was exhausting but I was glad to be performing.  I had broken my back 5 years before and almost severed the spinal cord.  I could walk at that point but still had some paralysis.  I had had a second back surgery 2 years earlier.  I was sick with constant infections and in a lot of pain.  I was getting acupuncture and the acupuncturist was very rough on me about everything.  He felt I could be doing much more than I was and would say so.  He would touch a spot on my leg with an instrument and ask what I could and couldn’t feel.  He would say that I was spacing out when I simply couldn’t feel something.  I had an appointment with the doctor who had done my last back surgery, and he said there was no reason to be in this much pain, and that everything was fine.  I explained that I couldn’t even hold a job because I was so exhausted.  So, that evening at rehearsal, a fellow actor who had known me for 4 years asked how my doctor appointment went. I shared with him that I told the doctor that I was unable to work.  My "friend" began yelling at me saying, "Well, what do you want to do!!!!? As he yelled, more people gathered around like spectators of a car accident. He started yelling about what I should do career wise.   I literally began backing away... As I backed away, I started wetting my pants.  I use a catheter to urinate and back then, had a lot of accidents.  Then at a restaurant after a performance a young man yelled across a long table, “Chris!  What are you going to do!?”  I said, “What?”  He said, “What are you going to do?”  He said it loud enough so that everyone could hear.  I can’t remember what I said but the next night I walked in the green room and he said, “Hi Chris.  How was work today?”  I said something very cruel to him.  So that night, I was completely exhausted driving home.  My body just wasn’t working and there wasn't a single person that understood.  Not my surgeon, not the acupuncturist, not my family, nor my fellow actors or friends. The road I was driving on was so dark.  It was a perfect metaphor for how I felt.  I figured that the only way to end the pain, was to end my life and this thought began putting me at peace.  I could drive off the road very fast, run into a pole and end it all.  I didn’t. I got home, but during the whole run of the show I fantasized about how my problems would be over if I were dead. I managed to do a good job in the play.  I got alot of good feedback. This was fine but not enough to make me want to stay on this earth.  In my heart of hearts, I think everyone was trying to help me and didn't know how.  I attracted people with no boundaries and didn't know how to handle them.  I heard Cheryl Richardson talk about "shame attacks".  Well, I had them almost 24/7.  I got rid of the orthopod and got a doctor who does osteopathic manipulation and I got rid of the acupuncturist.  I got better friends. Every now and then I will see or hear from those actors.  One asked me out for coffee but I said, "No."  The other one invited me to see a play he was in, but I said, "No thank you."  The people I now have in my life are kind and understanding.  I have a much better sense of how to handle people that are too forward and I am better at honoring other's.  If someone asks me something about myself, I don't vomit information like they are my therapist.  Last week someone asked a very personal question about who I was dating and I said, "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas."

 

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