SURRENDER

        There used to be a commercial for a drug rehab in Cleveland... they'd say..... “Help is just a phone call away.” I think God is like that.  I think God is just a phone call away.  I used to think God didn’t answer my calls because he was too busy.  In 1989, there was a lump found on mother’s thyroid and the doctor wanted a biopsy.  She was so scared.  It turned out to be nothing but all the time leading to it was frightening.  After she told me, I wondered how, as a family, we would manage this. My mind went everywhere thinking that if it was cancer, and she needed chemo, how would we take care of her?  My health was not that good.   I couldn’t help but think of when she had gall bladder surgery in 1985 and it was filled with cancer.  While waiting for the surgery to be over, my father was so irritable and difficult to be around.  This was the old way of doing gall bladder surgery and recovery took a long time.  It was a frightening period.  So I prayed.  I sat on my couch and spoke as honestly as I could.  I told God that I truly couldn’t manage the stress of it all.  I told God that I knew I had messed up a lot but still I wanted his help.  I told him that this was his “movie”, and I was just the actor.  I told him that I would behave any way I was supposed to, but I didn’t know how.  It was total surrender or as close as I had ever gotten.  I don’t remember going to bed but I woke up to a phone call from a friend.  She started talking in German.  She never is up early so a phone call from her at this time was weird.  I started laughing a lot.  Then I did my usual routine that day which was going to a swim class that I truly enjoyed.  When I got home, I was in the same amount physical pain that I always was.   My windows were open and it was so nice outside.  I never did this before, but I yelled out to a couple of women walking down the street and they were SO nice and greeted me with great glee.  Almost like little kids.  I then made dinner for myself.  After a very quiet dinner, I cleaned up and for some reason, I lit a candle I had.  It was a pink rose quartz candle with pink crystals at the bottom.  As soon as I lit it, tears came up in me and I said, “I’m really not alone, am I?”  I realized the day was so much lighter for me.  In fact, it was downright blissful.  The calm that I had was lovely…It felt like I had a bunch of angels guiding me but here’s the strange part.   Nothing outwardly had really changed.   

   The following week, she had her surgery.  I wasn’t nearly as frightened as before and was able to be more present for her.  The feeling in the waiting room with my brother and father was so different.  This time my father was joking with my brother.  The surgeon came out and said, “It doesn’t look like cancer, but we will do the tests.”  When we got to her room, she could barely talk.  I adjusted her blanket, tripped, and almost fell on her.  My brother had to leave the room, because he was laughing so hard.  With her eyes closed, she said, “What did the doctor say?”  I leaned over and quietly said, “He said it doesn’t look like cancer.”  I looked at my father and mouthed, “I don’t know.”, and made a gross gesture that indicated, “Bullshit.”  Usually, my father was appalled by my jokes, but this time, he started to laugh so hard that he had to leave the room.   They got the results fast and it was benign.  I really felt like the bliss I was in was the gift and whatever the outcome, I could handle it.  The tests results were just the bonus.