GRIEF

  I didn’t know I would take things so hard.   But I am.  A very close friend is moving out of Ohio.  Of course I support her in her decision, but I didn’t think I would feel so bad.   With my friend leaving the state, my sadness is that I might not see her again, and that thought is so distressing to me.  I got so much from being with her.  Mostly, her determination to not give up.  No matter what life has thrown her way, she keeps going.  I love it.  I noticed I didn’t feel like such a victim around her.  I realized that there were more options for me and choices I could make that I was missing.   I noticed I asked for a lot more help than I used to.  I would read her blog or we’d have coffee together, and she’d share whatever she was doing with her family or her career and it was always inspiring.  I guess I haven’t met anyone like that in a long time, so not seeing her again tugs at my heart.  When I was diagnosed with cancer, she did all she could to support me, including buying me a couple of massages which I thoroughly enjoyed.  The day I had surgery, she posted my picture on Facebook, asking for prayers. She encouraged my writing and we have the same humor.  So it’s no wonder I feel bad.  I don’t know how to grieve except to simply go through it. 

  I wrote about Debbie Ford’s passing on Facebook.   When I read that she died, I felt as if I had lost another friend.  Debbie did a great deal to help others and wrote many books.  I saw her on Oprah about 12 years ago, then again on OWN talking about her cancer.  I haven’t even read her books, I just feel bad about her.  I listened to her on her radio show on Hay House Radio.  I remember Wayne Dyer asking people to pray for her a few years ago, and then I heard Cheryl Richardson talk about her dear friend, Debbie Ford.  Cheryl spent a few days with her just before Debbie died.  One of the last things she told Cheryl was this.

“Please tell people that they do not cause their own illness – it’s a ridiculous notion that creates so much needless pain.  All illness, including my cancer, is an invitation to love ourselves more,” she insisted.  And then with her signature shadow laugh, she added, “The truth is, in the end, that’s what life is all about anyway – learning to love ourselves more.”

Maybe I could love myself through this grief.

METROPARKS

     I was in the lousiest mood today.  I couldn't shake it.  When I went on my errands, I couldn't find the stores that I wanted and when I got out to get groceries, I dropped my phone and couldn't find it.  Finally I got it off the floor in the car.  When I came out, I saw my "to do list" on the ground in the parking lot.  When I went to pick it up, a lady walked up to me and said, "Let me get that for you."  She was very big and it didn't look so easy to bend down, but she did it with a smile.  I got home and did my laundry and decided to take a walk.  I need it for my body, but also, to clear my head.  As I walked in the park, I saw a man I had seen before and he was with a woman this time.  When he passed me he said, "Ah, she's walking again.  How wonderful to see you walking." I acknowledged him and said, "My support system."  I went pretty far this time and turned around and went back.  A man and woman walked passed me and said hello.  I said, "Oh, I wish I could walk as fast as you are."  They smiled and walked ahead and then started holding hands.  They spoke to one another and I thought, "How precious they are."  The woman turned around and said, "We want you to know that we think you walk beautifully."  I thanked her and she began skipping away.  I think these people were put in my path to keep me from being such a weenie.  The next time you're having a bad day, go take a walk.

I LOVE MYSELF

      What’s with me and holidays?  Thanksgiving I was in the Emergency Room after a nasty fall at home.  And Christmas I got the stomach flu.  Christmas Eve I spent with my friends and gave them their gifts.  I gave Barbara earrings.  Those dangling kind.  She loves those.  And I got Landlord Paul a sweater which by the grace of God fit him very well.  He looked quite dapper in it, I must say. 

     My real Christmas gift was this blog I came upon.  See below.  A writer called in to Cheryl Richardson's show.  She talked about his "little" book and how wonderful it was.  So, I looked him up in between bouts of nausea and found this.

          http://www.jamesaltucher.com/2012/05/love-yourself-as-if-your-life-depended-on-it/

     He writes about a friend who was so sick for so long and then began saying over and over, “I love myself.” He healed himself.  Then he wrote a book titled "Love Yourself Like Your Life Depended On It."  Now I know that loving ourselves is the most powerful thing we can do, but I don’t always do it.  So while laying in bed on Christmas, I began saying the mantra, “I love myself.” over and over.  I felt better immediately.  I got up, straightened up my bedroom, and played with the dog.  I ate something, and kept it down.  Paul came home later that night, and all was well.  Yesterday, I was still wobbly, but I am 100% today. 

     Check out this book and the picture of this writer, Kamal Ravikant.  He is gorgeous! 

                                                I LOVE MYSELF

THE TWO BABS

     I had a wonderful weekend.  I got to see my friend Barbara Verlezza and have brunch with her.  Of course I make her pay. That’s how I roll.  I love seeing her.  She is so funny and so smart.  When I was in Dancing Wheels and her husband Sabatino was the ArtisticDirector/Choreographer, she was very concerned about my well being and knew my body wasn’t handling the rigorous routine that we had.  Barbara was the Associate Artistic Director and sometimes the voice of reason when it came to my physical limitations.  I only stayed a year in the company and when she saw me a few weeks later she was glad I gained a little weight.  I had no idea I had dropped any, but she knew and was worried.  She could always make me laugh.  The last concert I was in was done at Playhouse Square.  I rolled my wheelchair up to the wings for one of the dances and hit a weight holding down something.  It was no big deal.  The stage hands fixed it quickly and Barbara said, “Now the whole show is ruined.”  Of course this makes me laugh right before I go on.  After brunch she came over and saw my new home.  She was so happy for me and really liked the house.  She and Sabatino are always very generous with me.  When they first heard I had cancer, they took me out to dinner.  I loved the rice pudding at the restaurant we were at, so she made sure she bought an extra one for me to take home.  She is definitely a gem.

     I saw my other friend Barbara that afternoon.  She fell in her home a week earlier and broke her back, her wrist and a couple of ribs.  Surgery on the wrist tomorrow.  I stayed overnight making sure she was ok.  I am so taken aback at her ability to keep her sense of humor.  Even when we took her to the emergency room she was making jokes.  In order to set her wrist, they did a local anesthesia and putting that needle in her bones was just awful.  She still made me laugh while the doctor was doing it.  She just kept saying “Ow.”  Now she refers to him as Dr. Mengele.  I told her how the "other" Barbara loved my new home and she said, “What, do your friends live in shacks?”  She said, “Every person that comes and sees your new place says, “Oh my God, it’s better than the Taj Mahal, it’s better than Buckingham Palace.”  They never say that of course.  I tried to explain to her that this is so wonderful compared to my last place.  Last night I stayed over again and she is much better.  She even did a load of laundry.  She was on the floor folding her clothes and she said, “Look at me.”  It's very encouraging.  She also just gives and gives to me.  One day I was staying over and the UPS man came.  I had to let him in, Barbara couldn't move.  It was a microwave.  Barbara said, "Merry Christmas."  She's been wanting me to get one since I moved.

     Barbara and Barbara haven't met, but I know they would get a kick out of each other.

 

OH, SHMENGY

     I try to promote my friend’s stuff if I like it or if I haven’t tried it, but I LOVE my friends and think they got the goods, I promote it.  I love my friend Michelle O’Neil’s blog.  She writes so well.  Very simple and very often brings a tear as it shows her profound love of life and her family.  So I dig it. And I post it.   I am feeling a tad “guilty” promoting my friend Melissa’s holiday e-cards because I rarely do Christmas cards.  I don’t know why.  The ones I receive are lovely and I am grateful.    My friend Dina sends me a Christmas card every year, and teases me for not sending her one.  She almost always sends pictures of her children.  She also has a gift for picking out some great cards.  One time I got a card from her with a picture of people at a Christmas party.  They all had fruit on their head.  I opened it up and it said, “Have a Carmen Miranda Christmas!” I laughed immediately.  But then, Dina has a gift for picking out the right cards for every occasion.   Her husband has commented that I seem to like slapstick humor.  He said we were at a Gallagher Concert, (you remember him, right?) and I laughed when I saw an audience member going up an aisle and falling.  Nice.  I have no recollection of this.  They have both shared how much they hate the Three Stooges and beating each other up.  I told them that although I didn’t like the “beatings”, there were some classic “Three Stooges Bits” that I loved. So on one of my birthdays, Dina sent me a card with the Three Stooges on it that said, “Happy Birthday!”  Then when you open it, it says, “Eat. Drink. And Beat Larry.”   

     They used to have a party every summer.  I looked forward to Dina’s invitations every year.  One year, it had a dollar bill Xeroxed with their 2 year old son, Dan’s picture on it.  It said, “In Dan We Trust”.  One year in the early 90's, she sent the invite and on the front it told you when and where and what to bring.  When you opened it, there was a picture of Rush Limbaugh and she said, “And maybe you can tell us why THIS man has a bestselling book and his own radio show! 

  My brother Rick never met her.  Her last name is Shimandle and he referred to her as “Dina Shimagle”.  Later we changed it to Shmengy and it stuck.  Whenever she makes a comment on my Facebook page that strikes any emotion in me, be it anger or laughter, I respond with, "OH SHMENGY!"

PAUL

     I had an interesting holiday.  One of my friends invited me over for dinner, and I was excited.  I only had to bring beer which was simple enough.  On Wed. I had Tai Chi and the teacher worked with me on getting out of a chair without using my hands for support.  This was big for me and I was happy for the new instruction.  She did lots of work with us and since there was only a few people, she gave us all special attention.  After class, I went grocery shopping and left the beer in my car, knowing it would stay cold.  I decided to pay bills including my amazing landlord/housemate Paul, even though I was early.  Basically, when I get a check, I pay my bills as fast as I can, so I don't spend it.  I unpacked a few things in my office and went to bed.  Yesterday, I woke up counting my blessings.  I put on my braces and shoes and went downstairs and made decaf for me.  After it was made, I turned and fell ... HARD on my left hip.  When I was learning to walk again, I fell alot and my mother said it was a wonder I didn't get brain damage.  I usually can do it without hurting myself but this time I couldn't stand and I waited and massaged my leg for a while.  I finally got up and went into the living room, sat down and screamed in pain.  I heard something crunch and got so scared.  I couldn't get off the couch.  Paul was out and my phone was upstairs.  After, what seemed like forever, I sat on the stairs and pushed myself up to the top.  I got my phone and called him.  He said he'd be home in five minutes.  I somehow dressed myself and washed up.  Every move was screaming pain.  I kept remembering what the Tai Chi teacher said about a friend who was very ill.  He said every day he gets better.  Paul took me to the Emergency Room.  After they got X-rays, they took an EKG and blood work to admit me.  Here's why I am grateful.  NOTHING was broken.  Just a bad contusion on the hip.  The doctor sent me home. They said to just stay off it.  I am.  It is so much better today and I am resting, and cancelled appointments.  This is my Thanksgiving gift.  I am ok and I have a beautiful landlord....

I LIED

     I have lied about so much in my life.  It would take forever to recall all of it.  I just have not been very authentic at times.  I think had I admitted to myself at an early age that I was a homosexual, I would have saved myself and others alot of pain.  Even if I stayed in the closet, that would have been more "real" than the way I was behaving.  "Chris, are you gay?"  I heard that from some people.  "NO!", I would say emphatically.  When I lived with a family in Maryland, they kept trying to set me up with men.  They thought I had issues because of my disability.  "Chris, YOU have a problem dealing with the fact that you wear braces on your legs.  And you have a problem accepting the fact that you use a catheter.  And you have a sexual problem.  You have hardly been with any men."  I was 29.  She was right about the sexual problem, but I sure wasn't going to tell her what it was.
    When I was in my first acting class in college, I did a scene from Lillian Hellman's, "The Children's Hour".  I couldn't pull it off.  In this scene, I had to confess that I was in love with another woman.  The teacher ripped up my ever so bad performance.  He imitated how I walked and I sort of shuffled along.  This was before I had broken my back, so I had no disability.  He said, "I am sorry, but you need to wear a skirt the next time you do this."  Then one classmate commented on how butch I was.  I couldn't handle it and fell into a depression.  I began wearing more makeup.  I thought I was damaged in some way.  How could I possibly be an actress if I was butch?  That was spring and I was confused and angry and I came home for the summer.  I dated one man and didn't care for him, but my parents sort of pushed him onto me.  Sometimes when my father was supposed to pick me up from work, this young man would be there instead.  He must have gone to my parents, told them he would get me, and they would let him.  After that summer, I went back to school and never heard from him again.  When I was 31, I dated a man that my friends introduced me to.  I tried to get into it, but I was bored shitless.  When I told my friend, she said, "Chris, I get bored with my husband sometimes, that's just how it goes."  "On the first date?!  On all the ones after that?"  After 3 months I bailed.  I felt like I was released from prison.  I didn't realize how gay I was until I met Susan.  I just fell in love.  I was about 45 years old.  We have since split, but it was the real thing.  It was so freeing once when the car salesman who knew my family asked me why I never got married and I said, "Because I'm gay."