So what I have done is nothing.. Fear overwhelms me so I reach out to friends and family for support… I try and get out and walk as often as possible… but my walks are short and so am I… It's good for my body, and good for my soul. One person said to take my time and get all options possible… and affirm .. all is well… I have doctors to see, etc.. and second opinions to get … but that’s it…
What are you benefitting from cancer? Bernie Siegal asks this question… I can’t think of benefits right now except that I know more deeply how much I am loved. This was one of the most profound things I heard my mother say as she was dying…She said “I never knew how much I was loved.” I also see more clearly my irritations and anger… and I don’t like it… I also see in me, a self loathing at times … I don’t think I ever learned how to love myself… I’m not blaming anyone… It’s my job to love me, not anyone else's… and I see how much I like the silence… Once , many years ago…. I stopped talking for a few days… didn’t pick up the phone… I got more and more quiet… and the peace that came after was beautiful…It was very hard for me to do... hard to believe..The other thing is there is still a way to live..even in crazy fear. I was at the post office and the line was long… One elderly woman walked in and was so concerned about waiting. She had a cane and said she had arthritis and she didn’t want to wait. Other people complained there was not enough help. I didn’t want to get involved in this kind of talk so I asked the woman if she wanted to get in front of me and she did. Then she shared that she couldn’t do what she wanted… very sad… and then lit up and said, “But I did dance today.”. I guess at the senior center in the morning, she got up and danced. As she told me this briefly, she looked different. She was smiling. She wished me a Merry Christmas and got her stamps…I wasn’t so scared for me for little bit. I concentrated on her……Namaste
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