NEMO

   Chemo sounds like Nemo, doesn't it?  "Finding Chemo", starring Ellen Degeneres.  Don't worry.  I'm not having it.  I hear about chemo alot lately.  I have great respect for someone who goes through it.  One friend who has been a Godsend to me during all of this says that healing from a mastectomy was nothing compared to the chemo.  She said it's the gift that keeps on giving. She said some of her memory has left her.  I went to a breast cancer support group when I was first diagnosed and one woman said she had to be hospitalized because she almost died from chemo.  I heard Sharon Osbourne say that you think the cancer has come back because the chemo is so awful.  It's so weird.  As I shared with a friend last night, I don't feel like I had cancer.  The doctors saw it.  Not me.  And the doctors biopsied and looked and looked at everything. They gave options, but I don't feel like I had anything wrong.  How is it that they know more about a body that I have lived in 55 years and they just met me?  I know this is obvious, but just saying.   A test is being done right now that determines the likelihood of the cancer returning.  Do I really want to know this?  This also determines whether the oncologist will recommend chemo or just radiation alone.  It determines whether he says you will be very sick for a long time throwing up, losing your hair, your memory and God knows what else... or  just nuking you with radiation.  I'll stick with the latter.  

I SEE YOU

        My friend, Lori Cannon has a blog.  I read it at times.  She is very funny, but in her bio she says, "breast cancer survivor", Then says, "Who isn't?"  I laughed so hard when I read this.  I thought about how my identity was wrapped up in my 20's in breaking my back and learning to walk again.  Then the novelty wore off, as I was so sick all the time with one infection or another.  Then it was wrapped up in being chronically ill.  Now I am a "breast cancer survivor".  Part of the "club" that I never wanted to be a part of and yes the novelty has worn off.  It ain't that "fun" although I try to see the good side.  One of the good sides is that so many present the best part of themselves, and it's always in service.  People I never expected.  Even the frigging librarian I see once in a while called to ask what she could do for me.  In 1995, someone came over and saw my horribly messy place and said, "Now I see the real Chris."  Don't worry, I cleaned it up.  I was thinking, all these people coming out of the woodwork offering, prayers, meals, support.. what if that was the REAL them?  What if that is who they really are? 
   

RICK

  I am getting a drain taken out of my armpit today and getting the pathology report from the titty counsel.  Yes, I am excited to get this out of me. It hurts and bathing is difficult.  I was/am deeply indebted to my brother who came here from out of town and stayed over night at the hospital making sure I was ok after surgery.  It all was very easy, mostly because he made it easy.  I had friends and relatives there to support me as well.  When we got home, my brother, shopped, cooked, did laundry, cleaned up my place and made me laugh.  He checked the drain I had to make sure there was no infection.  One of my friends noticed how calm he was.  Others said he was pretty nervous in the waiting room.  When he left yesterday, I said, "Thank you isn't big enough."  How do you thank someone for doing so much? When he had his first child, my parents were still alive. My father, who did not pass out compliments very often said, "I don't know what your mother did raising Rick, but he is a wonderful father."  I would add, "And a wonderful brother."

THE BIG DAY

   I would love to tell you that I am all ready for this surgery tomorrow… but I’m not.  Well, I am ready, but I am scared… did I say scared…?  I mean petrified… I mean, I wish it was over…All the support in the world is wonderful and to tell you the truth, I do have all the support in the world. But in the end, it’s just you… and I am scared.

PRE ADMISSION AFFIRMATIONS

   I have whacky friends and it suits me fine.  Yesterday, I had preadmission testing all day at the Cleveland Clinic.  Silently, I kept affirming.."Every hand that touches me is a healing hand."  Barbara and Paul took me.  My friend Barbara has trouble walking because of her bad back, and Paul pushes her in a wheelchair that we get when we arrive at the Clinic. She doesn't complain.  Instead, she stays extremely supportive.  Both her and Paul take notes while the nurse tells me what's going to happen in surgery.  Everything went so smoothly with tests and 3 meetings with a doctor and two nurses.  Then, after all day at the Clinic, they come back here and Paul and I have a couple of beers.  Barbara begins looking at a book I got at the library written by Cheryl Richardson and Louise Hay and she begins laughing.  I love this book.. It's very simple and I think that's what is making her laugh.  It's mostly Cheryl  interviewing Louise about how she lives her life and Louise shares her wisdom. As Barbara reads some of the affirmations, she can't stop laughing, and frankly, neither can I.  I love Louise and I love Cheryl's work and I hope the irreverence with which we giggled about the book was not heard.  One of the affirmations is "I love my closet."  Barbara and Paul are practically in tears with giggles from this.   Louise suggests that when you wake up, you thank your bed for giving you a good night sleep.  "Good Morning Bed."  This throws Barbara into hysterics, barely catching her breath.  This is all going on while my landlord is trying to fix my bathtub.  I don't care.  I love the affirmations.  I love how my friends tease me. For me, the laughter breaks the tension, as I am so scared right now.  This is Barbara's gift.  Her amazing humor.  The day I was diagnosed, she took me to dinner.  I was in tears.  She  said, "I brought you an anti depressant."  It was a large chocolate bar.  My new affirmation.  "I have the most amazing friends."

I WANT SOME WHINE

   I think shame can make us feel so bad about ourselves, that we continue acting in more shameful ways.  And they are usually worse than the original thing we felt shame about.  Several years ago, I hated myself so much, that I just did more things to bring attention to me.   I was in a spiritual group and felt I couldn’t hold a candle to the other people when it came to spirituality.  I don’t know how you measure such things, but I got it in my head that these folks were more together than I was.  I raised the bar so high, that there was no way to live up to it.  I felt more and more alienated by them and thus alienated myself from them.  I did an embarrassing amount of drama and alot of complaining.  At one point they did a little intervention with me.  I did better for a time and then went right back to my spoiled bratty behavior.  Then we disbanded, thank God, and I just stopped the behavior of attention getting.  Well, most of it.  
     Before that time, before I broke my back, I woke up on a Saturday, and I wondered what my life would be like if I didn’t judge myself for a day.  I didn’t tell anyone.  I went grocery shopping with 2 of my friends.  Both had things to talk to each other about and it didn’t involve me.  We walked to the store and back, and they walked in front of me, sort of leaving me out of the picture.  I decided not to feel bad about this and enjoyed the cookies I had just bought myself.  Then we went to the one girl’s apartment.  She gave me a recipe for stuffed pork chops as I was cooking for someone else that evening.   I noticed that it didn’t matter that they left me out of their conversations.. I left and cooked dinner for another friend.  It was a lovely evening.  I was 23 and acted more mature than in my thirties. 

PUT YOUR MONEY WHERE YOUR BREASTS ARE

The Gathering Place...
   I LOVE them... I met with the nutritionist.. She spent alot of time with me and assured me that I  wasn't eating as poorly as I thought.  She gave me easy ideas to have a better diet.  Today, a Reiki master gave me a 40 minute treatment.  I fell asleep and woke up in far less pain...   So far, I have been there 4 times and it's just a bunch of peaceful folk in a beautiful facility to help you if are diagnosed with cancer.  They have a "healing garden".  I haven't sat out there but from what I could see.. yum, yum.    I went to one group last week for breast cancer survivors and tomorrow I am taking yoga there... and it's all FREE.....So, what's with the Komen Foundation?  They are ending their funding at Planned Parenthood for free mammograms and diagnostic testing.  I have had my concerns before about them, but now, with a breast cancer diagnosis, and I see how important mammograms are and ultrasounds, etc.,  I am SO over them.. My money, (when I get extra), will go to The Gathering Place.