I WANT SOME WHINE

   I think shame can make us feel so bad about ourselves, that we continue acting in more shameful ways.  And they are usually worse than the original thing we felt shame about.  Several years ago, I hated myself so much, that I just did more things to bring attention to me.   I was in a spiritual group and felt I couldn’t hold a candle to the other people when it came to spirituality.  I don’t know how you measure such things, but I got it in my head that these folks were more together than I was.  I raised the bar so high, that there was no way to live up to it.  I felt more and more alienated by them and thus alienated myself from them.  I did an embarrassing amount of drama and alot of complaining.  At one point they did a little intervention with me.  I did better for a time and then went right back to my spoiled bratty behavior.  Then we disbanded, thank God, and I just stopped the behavior of attention getting.  Well, most of it.  
     Before that time, before I broke my back, I woke up on a Saturday, and I wondered what my life would be like if I didn’t judge myself for a day.  I didn’t tell anyone.  I went grocery shopping with 2 of my friends.  Both had things to talk to each other about and it didn’t involve me.  We walked to the store and back, and they walked in front of me, sort of leaving me out of the picture.  I decided not to feel bad about this and enjoyed the cookies I had just bought myself.  Then we went to the one girl’s apartment.  She gave me a recipe for stuffed pork chops as I was cooking for someone else that evening.   I noticed that it didn’t matter that they left me out of their conversations.. I left and cooked dinner for another friend.  It was a lovely evening.  I was 23 and acted more mature than in my thirties.