TWO MORE

    I would think I’d be happy about no more radiation treatments.  I thought I would be thrilled.  But I’m not.  I am depressed.  I will miss my friends at the Cleveland Clinic.  Not only the professionals, but the redcoats that guide you wherever you need to go.  And the people I met while in the waiting room.  One couple is from England.  The wife is so sweet and she looks so scared.  And of course, the valet parking men.  I feel like I will just go back to my old ways.  The old eating habits, the old “not always exercising” habits.  And the worst, not looking for work in a more proactive way.  I do work when I can, but I have made a mess of things that way.  The jobs I have gotten in the last several years have taken it out of me physically or emotionally, and I either get fired or I quit.   I never took the real risks to get the “stuff” I want.  Too scared.  I am ashamed to be so old and so immature.  There are some real health issues that I deal with on a day to day basis, and I’m not talking about cancer.  And that makes working very difficult.  When I was diagnosed in December with cancer, I called a friend and through my sobbing I said, “I just need a break!”  She said, “You got a break Chris!  You got to walk after being paralyzed!”  I know she’s right, but today I don’t feel very good about me or my life.  One more treatment after today. Wish me luck.