LIFE

Someone held open the door for me to my building

I gave my change to the Cornucopia Society

I got 20 percent off my food today.

I sent a card to a dear friend who lost her mother recently

I matter.

So do you.

GROSSLY UNDERESTIMATED

     The director of the chorus I am in said that she watched me while the assistant director was directing a song we did.  She said, “You have such stage presence.  It’s too bad you…”  Then she stopped and gestured toward my body.   I totally took this as the compliment it was meant to be and lapped it up with a spoon.  This certainly isn’t what I had hoped for, but the stage presence is still there.  When I was teaching an acting class at The Cleveland Playhouse, a woman taking the class, said, “Oh you’re the lady some friends were talking about.  They said you could have been such a great actor if you hadn’t had so many health issues.”  Ouch and wow.

   I had a great mentor in college.  He got me doing stand up and is also, deeply disappointed in me for not moving forward more with a career.  He had such high hopes.  I am ashamed about it all.  He wanted me to go with him to Los Angeles 30 years ago and meet his contacts.  And he had many.  He came to visit when I first came home from the hospital and was still in a wheelchair.  He said he would read anything I was writing and to send it pronto.  I tried writing when I lived with my parents.  Nothing was happening.  I would sit and write about my physical ailments and it all seemed so boring.  I was very sick with every kind of infection, but I KNOW I could have at least written something.

      It really isn’t too bad if I am using my talents to the best of my ability.  I guess, I don’t always think I am and that’s why I feel so bad sometimes. This week, my therapist, not physical, but for my head, said that when he met me, I grossly underestimated what I could do physically, and things are so different now.  Ouch and wow… He also said I still haven’t accepted my disability.  I agree.  I keep thinking if I just eat the right foods, say the right affirmations, and work out properly with the right people, I will be 100% healed.

    I have mixed feelings about my life right now.  Grateful that I can sing in a chorus and write in my writing group and even do a voice over every now and then, and shitty about some of my behavior  in the last 35 years.  I don’t know why I have been too scared to do anything more.  The stage fright came after the first play I did after I broke my back.  It was community theatre and the quality of it was so bad.  I really was not that good.  Even my mother had things to say about my poor performance.  And she usually liked watching me on stage. The next play I had a small part.  It was fine.  A few plays were good, and some were terrible. 

    I was scared to do stand up again.  I couldn’t think of anything funny to write.  I needed a lot of help emotionally, and had no idea how to get it.  It’s as if moving back home with my parents put me back into puberty.   I started working with my dad immediately, but after the first year, the rods in my back moved and you could see them sticking out. The pain was too much for me to keep working.   Because it was a Worker’s Comp case, it took forever to get the surgery approved to remove them.  I kept working out and swimming as much as I could to keep me in shape and get rid of the paralysis, but the fears of being out on my own were overwhelming.  I did do stand up a couple of times.  Great fun, but I was a wreck beforehand.   I mean, a wreck.  I also tried every healing modality that I could afford.

It’s too bad you… ya it is too bad. 

     Life was so easy in the hospital.  Well, after my initial breakdown.  When they stood me up, I couldn’t feel the floor.  I cried for about 3 days.  Then gradually, I felt better.  And better.  And better.  And it was fun.  I knew I would walk again.  I knew I would be 100% healed.  I was so calm.  Everyone commented on it.

     In 1988 I got an agent to do commercials and voice overs.  She sent me to a photographer and I got beautiful head shots. Then she worked hard on my resume.  My commercial demos I had just made were not good, so she sent me to someone new.  I met with him and then I dropped the ball.  My car needed work and I took it to my dad’s friend who fixed cars for a living.  He asked what was new and I said I had an agent and his response was, “Ya, but nothing is happening , right Chris?”  As I left I started to cry.  He was right.  I had dropped the ball in many instances.  I think we all drop balls from time to time.  

     It’s too bad you… it is too bad in a way.  But I think it is much worse to not use the physical capabilities that you do have.  Today, I am preparing for an audition tomorrow, recording another one and sending it off to an agency.  And walking.  I will see my friends at a party later.  No ball dropping today. 

MAY 10th, 2015

    I wanted to see the Lifetime movie, “Cleveland Abduction”, because my friend  Jean Zarzour was in it.  I also wanted to see it because it was filmed here in Cleveland.  I felt that I needed to read the book it was based on, called “Finding Me” written by the first victim, Michelle Knight. I wanted to read that before I saw the movie.  I am not a reader.  It takes me weeks to get through a book, but I was determined.   I was only able to get through the first 100 pages.  I felt like I was a voyeur.  I had to put the book down many times because what happened to these girls, now women, was inhumane.  I watched only a bit of the interview with Michelle Knight and Dr. Phil when they were rescued in 2013.  I felt at that point Dr. Phil was exploiting her.  I never finished the book.  Instead I went to the ending with pictures of Michelle and how she flourished and came through such an ordeal.  I returned it to the library. 

  Then came the movie.  I watched the beginning before Michelle was captured.  Once Ariel Castro kidnapped her, I had to keep switching to something funny like “Miss Congeniality”.  Even “Liar Liar”, which I have only seen 8000 times.  Anything to keep me from getting physically ill.  My friend was on very briefly in just a few scenes.  I found out later that some scenes she did were cut, but Jean was wonderful as Gina DeJesus’ mother.  I was worried that this Lifetime movie would be another story sensationalizing something so real and horrifying.    But that wasn’t the case.  They spent a great deal of time on the girls/women, after they were rescued.  They showed Michelle as she found out her son, who was in foster care before she was kidnapped, was now adopted.  She was working hard to get him back in her custody right before Ariel got her.  They showed her in court reading a letter to him.  (She actually forgave this man!)

    I am proud to know Jean after watching the movie.  I thought Taryn Manning did a beautiful job playing Michelle.  The movie was surprisingly inspiring.  Michelle has definitely shown what the meaning of “overcoming obstacles”, means.   She will go on to inspire many people.  And Jean humbly appreciated her role.  She made a lot of us cry as she sobbed in Ariel Castro’s arms.  The guy told her he was looking for her daughter. 

   I don't think I will ever be able to watch the movie in it's entirety.  But I was moved to tears and thrilled they escaped. 
  This is a good day for me to be grateful.

MUSIC

      My friend Beth’s mother made her transition yesterday with Beth by her side.  I was taken by the great care she gave her mom. I sing with Beth in Windsong Chorus. When her mother was still in the nursing home, a few of us came and sang to her and some of the residents there.  This wasn’t too long ago.  Then Beth got the East Side Threshold Choir of Cleveland to sing for her once she was moved into Hospice.  My friend Kathy Sullivan runs it.  Kathy is a wonderful singer and uses her gifts to help others heal and make their transitions.  The Threshold Choir started 15 years ago and now there are about 100 chapters worldwide.  When I broke my hip, she and a friend sang a couple songs for me in the hospital.  It was beautiful.  So peaceful, and believe me, I needed some peace at that point.  Beth is working on starting a threshold choir on the west side.  On their website, they say that they are not religiously oriented, but I felt like two angels were singing to me.  A few weeks ago our chorus sang a song with The Good Company Ensemble.  We got to sit in the audience for most of the concert before the last song which we were a part of.  After the first half, people jumped to their feet and some were crying.  One lady said she felt like her heart chakra opened up.  I said I felt like this is what it must sound like when you die and are  being taken to heaven.  I would like everything to be as peaceful and loving as someone preparing to die and a choir is sending them off.  Wouldn’t that be wonderful?  Music somehow transcends all of our “issues” and makes us feel more connected to one another.  I was thinking how hard it was for my mother to just let go when she was dying, and I think having someone lullaby her onward would have helped ease her heart and make her transition sweeter for her and everyone. 

THE GIRLS

   For some reason I have had a hard time blogging.  Nothing to write about.  My biggest "journey" recently, has been singing with Windsong Feminist Chorus.  This director has asked me to audition for a solo for 5 years now and I finally did and I got it.  So, on January 11th, we had our concert and I thought we did a good job.  I did my solo, and got wonderful responses.  I felt very good about it until I saw the video.  Yuk!  My glasses broke and I had to wear my old ones which looked sort of "heavy".  My clothes were old.  Definitely need a new wardrobe. During this whole process, my fellow singers were very supportive and made sure I kept the beat.  My brother used to be an actor and now he is a high school teacher.  He has written some music for an off Broadway show.  I asked how rehearsals were going and he said he had forgotten how egotistical actors can be.  I thought about this and of course remembered the plays I had done and it was sort of a "ME" kind of world.  The women I sing with aren't like this.  We are so supportive of one another and help each other as much as we can.  When I first sang my solo in front of them, they all cheered.  When I had cancer, they took me to many appointments and when I broke my hip, some took me to physical therapy and some took me grocery shopping.  Whatever they could do to help.  It seems if someone has as issue, the rest of the chorus offers whatever they can.  We hang out even if we're not singing.  And when we sing, we feel good.  Some of them have helped me move...TWICE.  We try to encourage each other to audition for solos, and Karen, our director, likes to give as many folks a chance.  Sort of "spreading the love", if you will.  I think it's wonderful and  I will get over seeing myself perform.  I used to teach an acting class using a video camera and many of the students found it hard to watch themselves.  I had great respect for them, especially the people who have never performed before.  And even though I have been a big fat ham bone since I was a kid, I have had tremendous stage fright ever since I broke my back.  And YES, since that performance on January 11th,  I have great respect for me too.

OHM

     I haven’t written in forever and thought it was time.  I was talking to a friend I hadn’t spoken with in a while complaining that I was scared the way my body behaved.  Seems like things are worse instead of better.  She was very considerate and present and said, “Well, you have a very hard life.”  Two days later, in my meditation,  I asked how I could heal my body and how I could be as blissful as when I came home from the hospital 34 years ago, knowing I would be totally and completely healed.  The answer came fast.  “STOP WHINING.”  I was not happy with this because I didn’t think I was whining, but I quickly began looking at all the good stuff in my life.  Friends, a nice home, everything I could think of.  I could see how childish I was being, almost like I was owed something for being on this earth.  Isn’t that interesting?   And things did turn around.  I began thinking of so many things I could do to help reach optimum health.  Not just diet and exercise.  It began to be fun.  I don’t always want to hear the truth but this time I listened. I realize I have limitations, and  I’m all for feeling all my feelings and bringing them to the surface to heal, but after that ….. SHUT UP.