PEACE

     When I was about to graduate high school, I was scared to death and depressed about my life… The last day of school, I looked down from the bridge connecting the north and south side of the high school..I saw my six closest friends walking, giggling.  They each had their important plans after graduation … …..Five of them were going to college and one had a great job lined up….They all did the right things… They worked in the summers, some during the whole year.  They got good grades and helped others.  Then there was me.  My main goal was getting in plays at school and even though we were all in marching band together, they practiced and I didn’t.  I fooled around a great deal and I barely graduated.  I was prepared for nothing.  My parents were very worried.  My father said the only thing that I knew how to do was to memorize lines.  No amount of lectures from them worked.   In March of my senior year, after the musical I did was done, I got a job at the local hospital working in the kitchen.   Since I did not get my driver’s license because I was too scared to drive, this was good because I could walk there.  I was not liked at this job.  I couldn’t do anything right.  I would be given a task and I would screw it up.  Not on purpose, I just was incredibly immature.  The older women were annoyed, the young girls wanted to kill me and my supervisors were as patient as they could be.

   So, after I watched my friends, there was an awards ceremony that day.  I received the Best Thesbian award, but it felt so hollow. We got to come home early after that and that was our last day of high school.  I came home thinking I had no future and had a few hours before I went to work.  My mother was working and she would be home right after I left.  We would just miss each other.  I sat for a second, thinking my life was over.  I figured I messed up every opportunity for a future that I had.  When you are 17, you can’t see anything down the road… even a week or two… even a second.   I felt like a piece of dirt.  Then, out of nowhere, I decided I just wouldn’t feel bad that afternoon.  So I cleaned the kitchen, made the beds and vacuumed a little.  I figured she could at least come home to a clean house even though her daughter was a failure.  I put the award I got on the dining room table where she could see it.  I put my uniform on, complete with hairnet, and went to work. 

    Work was the same.  Very hard.   I was taking trays of food from hospital rooms and putting them in a big “thing”.   When I knelt down to load one up, a very slow feeling of peace started at the top of my head and bathed me… almost like being enveloped in love.  It was an unexpected feeling….   I felt something I hadn’t felt in many years, which was peace.   Somehow, a little service in a dark hour for me paid off.  In that moment, I didn’t feel like I was a failure.

OUTSIDE INTERFERENCE

    When I was 29 I was in a play at a local college.  It was exhausting but I was glad to be performing.  I had broken my back 5 years before and almost severed the spinal cord.  I could walk at that point but still had some paralysis.  I had had a second back surgery 2 years earlier.  I was sick with constant infections and in a lot of pain.  I was getting acupuncture and the acupuncturist was very rough on me about everything.  He felt I could be doing much more than I was and would say so.  He would touch a spot on my leg with an instrument and ask what I could and couldn’t feel.  He would say that I was spacing out when I simply couldn’t feel something.  I had an appointment with the doctor who had done my last back surgery, and he said there was no reason to be in this much pain, and that everything was fine.  I explained that I couldn’t even hold a job because I was so exhausted.  So, that evening at rehearsal, a fellow actor who had known me for 4 years asked how my doctor appointment went. I shared with him that I told the doctor that I was unable to work.  My "friend" began yelling at me saying, "Well, what do you want to do!!!!? As he yelled, more people gathered around like spectators of a car accident. He started yelling about what I should do career wise.   I literally began backing away... As I backed away, I started wetting my pants.  I use a catheter to urinate and back then, had a lot of accidents.  Then at a restaurant after a performance a young man yelled across a long table, “Chris!  What are you going to do!?”  I said, “What?”  He said, “What are you going to do?”  He said it loud enough so that everyone could hear.  I can’t remember what I said but the next night I walked in the green room and he said, “Hi Chris.  How was work today?”  I said something very cruel to him.  So that night, I was completely exhausted driving home.  My body just wasn’t working and there wasn't a single person that understood.  Not my surgeon, not the acupuncturist, not my family, nor my fellow actors or friends. The road I was driving on was so dark.  It was a perfect metaphor for how I felt.  I figured that the only way to end the pain, was to end my life and this thought began putting me at peace.  I could drive off the road very fast, run into a pole and end it all.  I didn’t. I got home, but during the whole run of the show I fantasized about how my problems would be over if I were dead. I managed to do a good job in the play.  I got alot of good feedback. This was fine but not enough to make me want to stay on this earth.  In my heart of hearts, I think everyone was trying to help me and didn't know how.  I attracted people with no boundaries and didn't know how to handle them.  I heard Cheryl Richardson talk about "shame attacks".  Well, I had them almost 24/7.  I got rid of the orthopod and got a doctor who does osteopathic manipulation and I got rid of the acupuncturist.  I got better friends. Every now and then I will see or hear from those actors.  One asked me out for coffee but I said, "No."  The other one invited me to see a play he was in, but I said, "No thank you."  The people I now have in my life are kind and understanding.  I have a much better sense of how to handle people that are too forward and I am better at honoring other's.  If someone asks me something about myself, I don't vomit information like they are my therapist.  Last week someone asked a very personal question about who I was dating and I said, "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas."

 

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FUNNY STUFF MY FRIEND BARBARA HAS SAID

 

       Once Barbara asked me, “When someone dies, why do people say, ‘He died?  I just saw him!’, like seeing you should be a reason for them to live.”

     Barbara had difficult issues with her mother.  They had very little in common.  When she died, the rabbi doing the eulogy asked her what her mother’s hobbies were and Barbara said, “Dusting.” 

     She enjoyed doing community theatre alot.  One play I was in was so stressful that I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. She said, “You should be like me.  Take a small part, learn your lines and get laid.”.

     My father had gall bladder surgery in 1993 and they saw a spot on his chest x-ray the size of a dime..Once surgery was done, they were going to do some tests to find out what it was…I called her very scared and said, “maybe it’s…….. maybe it’s….” and Barbara said, “Maybe it’s a dime..”
     Years ago, her outgoing message on her answering machine was extremely funny.  I have no recollection what it was, but it made me laugh every time I called.  The man she was dating back then said, "Well it was funny once."  After she shared his critique with me, she said, "So's a limp dick." 
     One day she said, "What if Sleeping Beauty was cremated?"
     


      
    

MY UNCLE JOE

     My Mom's brother Joe was very sweet... When his wife got sick with liver cancer in 1990,  my mother went frequently to help, but her greatest contribution was that she cooked for the family and all who took care of my Aunt Ina which was around the clock.  I was impressed at all she was doing and told her.  She replied, "Well Chrissy, I can cook."  Then she told me a story about when I was born..She said, "Your father brought me home from the hospital, and then said he had a meeting at work and he left me alone, still healing, with you and with your two brothers, ages 5 and 6 running around."  She said, "Very shortly after, Joe stopped by.  He didn't make a big deal of it, he brought some groceries, put them away,  made you a bottle and gave it to you.  Once he knew I was settled, he left." 
     I noticed my Uncle operated like this alot. He was quiet and just served others, especially his sisters and he had five including my mother.   When my father was dying, he came every day to the hospital, and then one day he didn't.   He had gotten very sick, very quickly, fell into a coma and within a few days died.  He didn't want to take the attention away from my Dad....

HEROES AND FRIENDS

    My friend Danna is incredibly kind and a little shy.  She was one of my 5 closest friends in high school.  She always supported me in plays I was in and told me how talented I was.  She was a great student and after graduation went to college to become an R.N.  We saw each other on breaks. 

    I was in a play about seven years after high school and lived an hour away from her.… I called and asked her to come and stay the weekend and see the show I was in. She explained that she couldn’t as she was getting married in 4 months, and had so much to do.  She said I was invited.  I remember feeling sad that we weren’t as close as we used to be, but I was looking forward to the wedding. 

    A couple of months later, I helped someone roof a house, fell off and broke my back, almost severing the spinal cord.  I was taken to the emergency room and they sent me to another hospital an hour away because I needed a neurosurgeon.  In the ambulance, they told me the name of the hospital, and I remembered Danna worked there.  I had the paramedic see if she was there when I arrived at the E.R.  She was and had just gotten off of her shift.  When I saw her, it was like a breath of fresh air.  She was so pretty and seemed so calm.  We were 24 at the time and when I heard her say, “Hi Mrs. Vartorella!”, it brought back so many memories of high school.  My parents had just arrived and had to drive 3 hours to get to me and when they saw Danna, I think they were so relieved.

  After several days, I had back surgery.  I had a spinal fusion and two rods were put in my back to stabilize the fusion.   I was in surgery for a couple of hours and in recovery for a long time.  I remember people telling me to breathe when I arrived in my room.  I just couldn't catch my breath and it was so frightening... I was lying on my stomach and then they turned me over on my back.  I then heard footsteps of people running and talking and a burning in my arm.  They had put something in my I.V.   Then I started to feel better.  The room was dark and I felt very high.  I don’t remember my parents leaving but I remember Danna swabbing my mouth.  I then heard her talking on the phone.  She was talking to my mother.  She told her my blood pressure was back to normal.  I remember telling Danna that I never felt so close to her.   When my parents came in that morning, my mother started crying.  I was so much better.  What I found out was Danna had gotten off her shift that day and stayed with my mother while I had surgery.  Then when I got to my room at 8 p.m. and they turned me over, she said, “Mrs. Vartorella, go get a nurse, Chris’ stomach isn’t moving.”  I was overdosing on morphine and the burning in my arm was something to counter act that.  Then Danna told my parents to go back to their hotel and she would stay the night with me.  So she worked all day, then stayed all night with me.. making sure I was taken care of.

   I went through a great deal of emotional ups and downs after that.  And Danna was there.  This was 1980 and back then you could stay in the hospital a long time.  I was there for 10 weeks. By the time I left,  I could take a few steps with braces on my legs and two crutches but was mostly in a wheelchair.  I was released the day before Danna got married and I got to the wedding. I walked in the church with my father holding on to me. I walked incredibly slow and I was  so scared I would fall.  We got to the reception and I stayed in the wheelchair.  This was truly the best wedding I had ever been to.

 

REALLY, NO... I GET IT!

   My dad used to repeat the same thing to get his point across.  He got mad because we would use a glass and leave it on the front of the counter.  I get that part… then he would say, “Front counter people…. Front counter people… Front counter people"

   Once my brother and I were in the back seat of the car while my father was driving and my mother was in the passenger seat.   My brother decided to hit the button on my seatbelt, so it came undone.  It would snap and it made a loud noise.  He did this more than once.  Finally my father said, “I can’t concentrate on driving with those assholes in the back seat.  Assholes!.... Assholes!  (then one more for good measure)  ASSHOLES!

    When my dad died I went to the post office to get his mail.  I was told by the young clerk that I needed “power of attorney.”  I explained I lost that after he died.   I showed her all the papers, etc…including his death certificate.  She said “Power of Attorney .”  Every time I opened my mouth to speak she would interrupt and say, “Power of Attorney.”, like a robot.  I decided to go another day and got someone different and got his mail.  (Power of me.)

     I worked at a telemarketing company for five years .  I solicited funds from businesses for Mothers Against Drunk Driving.  Usually, about once a week, I would say I was calling on behalf of MADD and someone would say, “I’m a member of DAMM.  Drunks Against Mad Mothers.”  Every FUCKING week….

    When I was a clown for kid’s parties, I never used my crutch, because I had so much to carry… Unfortunately, I waddle without my crutch.  A few times, one of the parents would watch me and say, “Walk this way.”, and then imitate how I walk… and then explain the joke…. And then laugh…….

    When I was a secretary in an emergency room, I was usually the first person you saw.  When the emergency was severe, the nurses and doctors would waste no time and start working on the patient.  When people came in for something like a cut finger, I would have to get all their information first.  About once a week, someone would say, “Now if I was having a heart attack, would you be asking me these questions?”  Finally, I started saying, “Yes… yes I would.”

AT THE END OF THE DAY

     My first job was working at the local hospital, in the kitchen.  I had heard that a lady had been in the hospital for a while after a man had broken into her home and raped her.  Then he did things to her that were so bad, I can’t write about it but let’s just say, she needed surgery. I delivered her dinner and as  I put her tray of food on her table, I  watched her very slowly struggle to swing her legs to the side of the bed.   Watching her struggle took my breath away.

     After a few months of working in the kitchen, I applied for a job as the ward secretary in the emergency room in the same hospital.  It was a small hospital, so we didn’t usually get the real serious stuff.  I was 18 and not equipped in any way to do this.  But now that almost 40 years have passed, I see that it was a great education.  This emergency room had only 3 beds and a casting room.  I saw a great deal. There were a couple of nurses that simply didn’t care for me and I felt the same way about them.  Then I would watch them in action.  All my of my angry feelings  melted when I would see them doing CPR on a person .  I saw the one nurse pick up a little boy about 2 years old.  He burned his feet in bath water that was too hot.  The kid took to her immediately and laid his little head down on her shoulder.  I never thought of this nurse as nurturing at all.   I saw her in such a different way holding that child and comforting him.

     One time a man was brought in after having a seizure and going through a plate glass window.  A piece of glass cut something inside his ear and blood was pouring out.  Immediately, they began working on him.  The doctor on call was not very happy or nice but I watched him work.  It was taking a long time to stop the bleeding and do stitches.  At one point, he had someone take over just before he fainted and fell on the bed next to the patient.  He was soon revived and he continued.  He finished the job and the man was admitted.

        After being there a little while, one of the doctors, who was married, asked several times if he could take me home.  I would always say no.  He flirted with me a great deal.  I was very uncomfortable with this and he didn’t seem to care. One of the nurses talked about the lady who was raped and was working the night she was brought in.  She said that she hugged her husband extra hard that night because it affected her so much.  She said the doctor, the one who kept wanting to take me home was the E.R. doctor that night.  She said that he was so good with her.  She said he was so kind and gentle.  He remained calm and so everyone else did too.

       I learned that we’re all human.  We all mess up.   The doctor didn’t deal with an 18 year old girl very well, but was perfect for a woman SO abused.  The nurse that didn’t like me showed such love to a little boy.  And the disgruntled doctor who wouldn’t even say hello to me, tackled a life and death surgery, passed out, but kept going to save a man’s life.  I realize that is their “job”and to leave all bullshit at the door, but I was still impressed.  How much have I messed up in my 54 years?  Let’s move on….My friend Kelly Camlin wrote, “In the end, only kindness matters.” 

BOSSES

    You know how people have issues with their bosses a lot?  I had the most amazing supervisor at a call center I worked at… Kathy.  She had to fire me about 6 months into it, because I was doing so poorly.   I wasn’t “second efforting”, as they say in telemarketing, and I hung up on someone… not that I remember it… Then she called after a few days and said that she felt bad and hired me back.. I worked a little harder but I am not a salesperson and HATE calling and bothering people.  There were several days where she would come up to me and ask if I was in a lot of pain… I would say yes and she would send me home.  She was very kind to all the women that worked there and that she supervised.  And we had about 50 in that part of the office.  She kept us laughing a lot and she always kept us motivated with contests.  Like the first one to get a pledge gets a gift.  Or the most pledges in an hour.  The gifts were sometimes envelopes with a little cash.  Many of the young women that worked there were single moms and she always asked about their children.  She was married with three children and loved her family.  She told me a lot about her kids.  The most wonderful thing she did was she give me a surprise party.  I walked in on my birthday on a Saturday , and there was everyone yelling surprise.  When I got to my desk there were many gifts and the flyer she sent out to everyone but me… the most amazing flyer about ME that I had very seen.  She explained that it was a surprise and that she would make sure the contests would revolve around me… “Questions about Chris”… like my favorite movie… etc.  What she didn’t know was that I had been in a real funk and couldn’t get out of it.  One doctor wanted to put me on anti-depressants and I didn’t go on them.  This party was all I needed… Never did those pills and even though I haven’t worked at this place in 4 years, I still visit from time to time… and I always give a special hello to Kathy. 

THE BUREAU OF VOCATIONAL REHABILITATION

      The Bureau of Vocational Rehab works with me a lot to get me work.  It’s difficult because my energy is so limited.  Now they hire vendors to help because each BVR counselor has such a big case load.  Mine has over 90 people.  Years ago, the career center at Jewish Family Services was the one to help.  They were extremely helpful and once I secured a job, they made sure I was trained properly for it.  Then, not too long ago I needed a job and went back to BVR and the vendor they hired was great.  A young woman was getting me in to interviews and working so hard to help me.  She asked a lot about me and my physical issues.  She got to know me very well.  She knew my energy was limited.  Once, when we were talking, I told her I went on a retreat to Mt. Shasta and climbed the mountain.  This was after I had a spinal cord injury.  She said, “How did you climb Mt. Shasta when you were 30 and now you’re like THAT?.” She pointed to my body.  I felt like crying but didn’t say anything.    I am not a THAT.  I was able climb Mt. Shasta, because I had lots of help.  When I first broke my back, the Bureau of Voc Rehab came to my parents home where I lived after the accident.  The young man was very nice and each time he came, there was some improvement in my body.  He was amazed at how well I got around.  He explained that this would take a long time and that was fine.  My legs improved enough that I was on two crutches.  While I waited, I worked with my father and was a typist.  I didn’t get paid, it was more like occupational therapy.   I was ecstatic to be doing anything… I was wearing a back brace and after a year, the rods in my back that were put there to stabilize the spinal fusion had moved.  You could see two bumps in my back where they were sticking out.  The pain was incredible, and I needed a second surgery.  I stopped working with my father as I could not sit very long.  The young man from BVR found me a job and I said I couldn’t take it.  He was so upset.   He said he couldn’t believe that I had such a good attitude before and now had such a bad attitude.  I explained that it wasn’t about attitude, but my body was not working.  He didn’t buy it.  I did get those rods removed, however....

   I think with me, you are damned if you do, and damned if you don’t … On the one hand, the young lady understood how much pain I was in, but I didn’t like what she said, and on the other hand, the young man applauded getting out of a wheelchair and walking but didn’t understand how much pain I was in.  I want people to understand my limitations, yet I want them to see how far I have come….In 31 years, the BVR has come a long way.  My BVR counselor is always in my corner.  When I first met her, she was quick to get me computer training and wanted to know exactly what I was learning.  She gets my limited energy and shows concern when no one gives me an interview.  She questions whether people are stuck on the way I walk in with a crutch, etc. and maybe overlook me when it’s time to hire.  She wants my feedback on everything.  She calls, emails, whatever, despite the intense case load that she carries…If we haven’t talked for a while, she will call and not only ask about work stuff, but will ask about whatever else is going on with me.    I am picky about who I have in my life.  I want supportive friends and supportive job counselors.  I never knew I had choices about that until I had lots of therapy. 

  I highly recommend the BVR if you have a disability and need a job.  But if you don’t like the counselor they assign you, don’t let any grass grow under your feet to get another one.  You have choices. 

WHAT WERE YOU SAYING?

     I titled my blog the way I did, because I have been called on my lack of humility many times by family and friends.  I work on listening to others, “actively”, but I have screwed it up more times than I can say.  I will listen to you, really…. I’m all ears…… for a little while anyway…..Once, I got a birthday card from my brother that had a woman with a birthday cake on her head with lit candles and the other lady said, “Don’t tell me, it’s your birthday.” When I opened the card it said, “IT’S ALL ABOUT YOU.”A long time ago, I broke my shoulder and had nothing to do while it healed, and I drew a picture for a friend, even though prior to, I could only draw stick figures before, but this picture came out fairly well and gave it to her.  I was a little too excited about it.  I talked about it too much at dinner with her and some other people and a friend leaned over and said very quietly, “Shut up already.” I knew I was in real trouble when my nine year old nephew said, “I think you’re a little self-involved.”  About 5 years ago, I visited my brother and his wife and 2 boys and decided not to bring the conversation to me at all the whole week.  I did really well.  My brother shared a lot about himself.. he told me when he lived in L.A.,  about his acting and music career before he became a teacher…he shared a little more than usual.  His wife told me about some issues with her father.  I stayed present.. I was there.   I played with my nephews and cheered them on at the county fair as they went on rides.  It was a great week.

   All went well, until the last day.  My sister - in- law talked about a movie she had just seen.  She was trying to remember the name of a child actor…. She took a few moments, and I interrupted and said, “Did I ever tell you about….” It was a story about…ME and had nothing to do with what she was saying.

Old habits die hard.